(Closed) In need of major advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I asking to much of him to tolerate her and accept her in "our" lives together
    yes, you are asking too much : (2 votes)
    3 %
    No, he is the one asking too much of you : (48 votes)
    76 %
    need more information : (13 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    8738 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @sweet4520: Has she continued to question your relationship since that time? Or does she now see that you are happy and fully sport you and your FI?

    I could see where he’d continue to be upset/dislike her if she was trying to undermine your relationship. But otherwise, I think he’s being a little bit unfair.

    Post # 4
    Member
    4511 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    What is it like when they’re together? Is he polite to her, or does he show his dislike? If he treats her with respect, that’s all you can ask. If he doesn’t, then you need to have a talk. 

    Whatever you do, don’t let his dislike of her come between you and your friend. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think this is a part of your life that you’re just going to have to segregate. There’s nothing to say that you can’t invite her over (for example) but be respectful to your husband and invite her over when he’s not around so he doesn’t have to be put in a situation where he’s uncomfortable. There’s a couple friends of mine that Darling Husband doesn’t like – I still see them but I make a conscious effort to see them when he’s not around or when he’s busy. He shouldn’t be asking you to give up your friendship but likewise you can’t expect him to just accept someone he hates into his life either.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2538 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I had a friend who got engaged to a woman and I didn’t think that he was happy, so I asked him if he was happy because I CARE. He really appreciated that I cared enough about him to ask such a hard question. I told his wife about it the other month about 3 years into their marriage and she didn’t care. She knew that I asked because I wanted the best for my friend. Honestly, I’ve ditched boyfriends because they didn’t like my best friend, so maybe I’m the wrong person to be giving advice. I just firmly believe that it’s bros before hos.

    Post # 7
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I have been in your MOH’s situtation. My best friend married a guy, who I absolutely cannot stand. I hate the way he treats her, I hate the way he acts, there is nothing I like about him.  BUT this is the man SHE CHOSE to marry. Therefore, I act civil to him, I don’t say anything critical about him or their realtionship to her. I support her in whatever way she needs. I know as a friend, if I just tell her all the time how much I hate her husband, I’m going to lose her as a friend completely.

    So like some bees said, either have her there when he’s not around. Or flat out tell her..look this is who I chose, and you don’t have to like my decisions, but they are my decisons to make. I’m just asking you to be my friend and support me. Maid/Matron of Honor and Fiance don’t have to be besties, but they should be able to be in the same room without making a scene or staring each other down or whatever.

    Post # 10
    Member
    683 posts
    Busy bee

    As a friend who has questioned friends relationships- I have the ONCE rule. I ask them, reiterate bad things they have said about their SO- whatever, just once and ask if they are sure. Beyond that- you are an adult who is running your own life. Your friend has to deal with your SO- if that means you need to distance your friendship a bit then I don’t see you have a choice.

    As someone who doesn’t like a friend of my SO- I simply don’t hang out with them- and they talk about guy things- then again that friend doesn’t KNOW I can’t stand him so I’m not really able to give you advice on that front. However, if she asked that question a long time ago- it’s his turn to try and deal with her. It’s all about compromise…. and in order to not put stress on you about it he has to let go of the past.

    Post # 11
    Member
    266 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would have a little sit-down chit chat with both of them, separately. Tell your guy that you don’t dictate your life by what your friends say, and that your friend was just concerned for your happiness. You aren’t going to break up with him just because she was asking a question, and he needs to get over that, be secure with it, and act like an adult about it. None of that “She said, he said” kind of crap. It’s just not worth it. If that simple comment is going to eat him up so badly, he really needs to figure out why. You’re still marrying him, right? So why’s he worried?

    And tell your friend that while you do really appreciate her concern, that you are most definately happy, and she’ll be the first person you go do if you start to think that you’re not.

    Post # 13
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @sweet4520: At the wedding I was happy for her. I was in the wedding so I smiled in all the pictures, did everything a bridesmaid was supposed to do. I kept my opinions to myself. It’s still the same way now, her husband is still a jerk, does jerky things to her and now family. I just listen to her when she needs me, give her advice if she asks, just to let her know I’m there. It’s sometimes really hard not to say “what were you thinking, or I told you this would happen”, but again that would just hurt our friendship and not really change anything about her relationship.

     

    I think in both cases, they just need to act civil to each other when they’re around one another. Neither one should talk badly about the other to you, because ultimately it damages their relationship with you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Most people have a friend or two of their significant other’s that they don’t like. I really don’t like my husband’s friend that is one of his best friends where we live. We don’t all hang out. It isn’t an issue. Why not just hang out with her on your own and make it a non-issue? Relationships are about compromise, I think you need to give a little ground on this one (but not give up completely!)

    Post # 16
    Member
    1893 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Are you sure that’s the only reason he doesn’t like her?  I ask because if it is, he’s being a big ass baby and needs to get over himself.  People that care about you are going to ask these things and he needs to accept that.  If your mother asked the same thing would he hate your mother forever?  It’s just increadibly immature to hate someone because they dared to question someone’s well-being.

    If there’s other reasons, you’re going to have to find a happy compromise.  You can’t make someone like someone else.  You can, however, demand respect from all parties.  As far as the wedding goes, I’d make it about you to your Fiance.  Tell him if he starts acting weird because your Maid/Matron of Honor is there he’s going to ruin your day and that’s not fair to you.  If he’s a decent guy, he’ll shape up.

    The topic ‘In need of major advice’ is closed to new replies.

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