(Closed) In need of reassurance and comfort….

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I think this is just one of those situations where you can’t please everyone. I think also that people are thinking that your elimination of their bf/gf means you are passing judgement on their relationship, and they’re sensitive to that. Others expect dates to be invited; some feel that this is traditional. As far as a wedding being something people "bring a date to," yes, some feel that weddings are just that. 

That said, you’ve made your decision, it’s the best one for you, and you’ve been as polite and apologetic as you can. Hold your head up and don’t let anyone intimidate you or try to make you feel bad. Don’t get involved in the drama. Planning a wedding is a HUGE deal and the insensitivity of others never ceases to amaze me!

I find that repetition helps when people are trying to intimidate you or get you to change your mind. As in, "I’m sorry, we can only invite +1 in certain circumstances." "But what about…" "I’m sorry, we can only invite +1 in certain circumstances." "Well so & so said…" "I’m sorry, we can only invite…" etc., etc. You may have to repeat it several times but at least people will get the point! When they get there and see how big & beautiful your wedding is, they will understand. And if they don’t, well there’s nothing you could have done anyway! 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

We are in the same kind of boat and it sucks,but hopefully people will be understanding…sorry hon..

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m so sorry to hear that this is stressing you out, especially as you’re about to hand out your invites! We are only inviting plus 1’s if the guest is married, engaged, or has been with the SI for more than one year. But the exception we made to that is with the bridal party. Everyone in the bridal party is getting a plus one, even if they’re not in a relationship. We felt that seeing as these people are devoting so much time – not to mention money – to our wedding day, that we should at least let them share it with their SI.

 From what i’ve gathered from etiquette books, it’s customary to allow all the bridal party a plus one, even if no one else is getting one. That may be why your siblings that are in the wedding are upset, because they just assumed that they’d get to bring their SI’s. And if their SI’s know that usually wedding party gets a plus 1, then they might feel personally insulted that they weren’t invited. I don’t think that it would be strange if the wedding party brought dates, but others still couldn’t. I think that the guests would understand that a) they’re the bridal party, and b) they’re your siblings, so they’re going to get special treatment. You never know, your brother’s girlfriend might end up being his wife one day, and the last thing you want is to upset her now and then get stuck with an angry SIL forever! I think that if you can squeeze them in, then you should try to do it just for the bridal party. I hope maybe that helped a little bit, and that it all gets sorted out soon. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

They’ll understand more later when they are not single and going through the  wedding process themselves. I used to be one of those ‘hurt’ people who didn’t get to bring a guest but I TOTALLY understand now.

Post # 8
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

oh my word, it sounds like there’s some major tension between your FIL’s and the gf. That’s not fun at all, and it totally stinks that it’s landed on your doorstep. It sounds like you’ve made the right decision, and I hope the phone call goes well. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that she doesn’t end up becoming family one day and creating drama wherever she goes!

Post # 9
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

To be honest, you might let your Fiance handle talking to your Future Brother-In-Law and his Girlfriend.  Even if you like her and have a good relationship, it might just come off better if it stays in the immediate family.

For reassurance, nothing you are doing is strange…so don’t feel guilty.  A serious Boyfriend or Best Friend (from before my FI) was really excited to bring me to a family wedding and kept talking about it, but then his aunt told him no one who isn’t married or engaged.  And it was no big deal.

And you are totally right that siblings in the Bridal Party will really have very little time to be with SO’s during the wedding.  There was no way I was bringing my Boyfriend or Best Friend (of only a month or so) to my sister’s wedding.  My brother’s Girlfriend will be invited to ours, but they’ve actually been together longer than me and my Fiance.  And she will know several other people there.  Nonetheless, even though my Mom loves her and is looking forward to their getting engaged (which won’t happen soon b/c she’s in school), she is pretty adamant that the Girlfriend won’t be sitting at the head table etc…which is fine with me.  I think non-married/engaged SOs of siblings at weddings are particularly awkward b/c tehre are many things (e.g. formal photos etc) that you probably don’t want to include them in and it can be kind of strange.

Post # 10
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

To be honest I’m a fan of allowing plus ones.  I do understand budget issues, but I feel that :

1.  Siblings and Bridal Party members should be allowed dates, at the least.  Can you at least allow their plus ones to come after dinner?  That’s when these siblings and Bridal Party members will get the chance to spend time with them, anyway. 

2.  I’m not sure if FI’s brother’s gf, and the whole Bridal Party not spending time with their dates are  really the reasons behind not them not inviting dates.  If so, I don’t think the rest of the Bridal Party should be punished by not bringing dates, because your Future Mother-In-Law and this gf are not getting along.  I also know the Bridal Party is busy for most of the day, but you shouldn’t dissapoint them because you feel they won’t spend time together.  Now if the real reson is simply money, I think you should keep it simple and state that.

3.  I think some of the shock comes from what seems to be not including serious relationships.  More times than not, even when people aren’t including plus ones, it’s often regarding singles who would bring random dates, not long term relationships.  You seem to be excluding long term SOs.  Think about it, they all want someone to dance with for slow songs etc.  Weddings are exciting and romantic.  Perfect stuff to cuddle up with your honey.

Allowing plus ones is a nice way to accommodate guests and make them feel more comfortable.  But if you have budget and space concerns, you need to just figure out how to best sort out the guest list.  If you don’t invite plus ones, I would at least consider making an exception for your siblings and Bridal Party.

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

well my situation is with childrens yeah! most of the couples we know have from two to three babies and when we added them up it was almost 20 kids hhmm? so we decided to ask not to have any kids at the wedding soo im hoping they understand

Post # 12
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Aw that’s a hard situation — everybody’s already given you some great advice.  I know when my Fiance and I had been dating for less than a year, I was personally surprised to be invited along with him to two weddings.  But everybody has a different set of expectations.  Is there maybe something you can do for them to make up for it?  Throw a little party or BBQ with them? 

I hope you find a solution and feel better!  it really does seem like the guest lists are the HARDEST part.

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I know how you feel, I have the same issues with some of my guests. What I’ve decided to do is offer the +1 to my closest family members and my bridal party. Although we will be taking photos, etc.. and they won’t really be together for the day, they are going out of the way to be with me and my groom. They are spending a ton of money on their dresses, tuxes, gifts, showers, etc.. and  I think it would be nice for them to have their significant other to dine and dance with at the reception.  I just re did my list and obliterated some of my mother’s work friends (sorry mom) so I could do what’s right by my friends.

Accommodating friends and family who are there for you is something you’ll never regret. It’s all a nice circle of friendship and love

Best to you,

Gilda

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