In need of sex analyzing

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

He gets himself off once a day and gets mad with you if you get yourself off?  Double standards much?

Post # 3
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I would try a cock ring and incorporating toys designed specifically for this purpose, they also have desensitizing gels. Maybe he could wear a condom so it’s a bit more of a toned down sensation too? Also just because he’s finsihed doesn’t mean the session needs be over. He could still finger/go down on/play with you in some way. I literally just googled “toy to help with premature ejaculation” and this article came up:

Post # 4
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

It sounds like for the most part your husband is a nice man with… well, a dick situation, but it’s really bothering me that he’s allowed to get himself off and you are not. Obviously this is because he’s insecure about his dick situation, but that doesn’t make it any less hypocritical or any more ok. Personal time is a different thing from having sex with your partner and both options need to be available.

As for the situation, have you guys tried having sex, and then having it again soon after? Desensitizing lube? How about the next time he finds you so hot that he simply must have you now, he gives you head first?

Post # 5
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Second the idea of sex toys for you and him!! Above toys for pre-ejac for him and a maybe vibrator for you? I got off alot faster with vibrator lol. Also don’t worry about him having less palying time than you, 5 min is (in my opinition) not a much time for warmed up. I myself might take about 15min lol, but my DH lovessss getting me all high and enjoys it so much. So mainly after I’m getting hot, I just give him like a 15s BJ and go for it. He never feels I pay less attention, we both satisfied.

Also im my own experience, I know DH will be devastated if he see me doing it by myself. So… from time to time I will still doing it, but without him knowing!! As weird as it is, eventhough I’m doing it myself, I would like DH for not doing it if I’m around and available. But if I’m not available (like now because of medical issue), I will let him. So it’s really depends on the situation, but I rather understand your husband feeling.

Post # 6
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Foreplay where both of you are involved. Mutual masturbation could be fun. Like PPs said, I would also suggest trying a cock ring. Getting him to vary his rhythm too might make him slower to ejaculate, as well. Have him take a break in thrusting and play with you.  I might also suggest having a massage with him; that can just amp up the heat. 

Better still, talk to him about this outside of the bedroom, perhaps on a hike. Talk about your needs. It’s really not cool that only he gets off, and not you. It all needs to be about mutual pleasure. 

Post # 7
16 posts

I don’t understand why sex is over once he comes. My partner doesn’t quit until I’m happy, regardless of whether he’s finished.

Post # 8
617 posts
Busy bee

So he’s allowed to take care of himself once a day but he can’t help you or accept that you help yourself? That would be my biggest problem. 

Post # 9
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Why doesn’t he bring you to orgasm before penetration? Once you’ve already come, then it can still be fun to engage in penetration (at least if you give yourself a little time to be ready), and he won’t have to worry about how long he lasts, since you are already satisfied.

Have you read the book She Comes First? (I haven’t read it, but have heard it’s highly recommended for this type of problem.)

Post # 10
5024 posts
Bee Keeper

I really dont think its just his dick being a dick.  Most couples DON’T orgasm together.  That’s a fiction of open and late night tv.  The fact that he thinks his job is done the second he orgasms and rolls off you is a selfish dick move.  He doesn’t seem to care whether you orgasm from him or you which is another selfish dick move.  Blame it on his ADHD all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that he needs a major attitude adjustment.  ADHD is a treatable condition usually.  What is he doing about this?  Because you’ve had what…10 years of this?  10 years of him not giving a damn about whether you are satisfied.  That’s more that a “how can he last longer?” problem.  What happens if he lasts 3 minutes instead of 1 minute and you still don’t get off?  Does he continue to just roll off you, think he did his part, and then get mad at you if you try to take matters into your own hands?

Go ahead and try all the sex toys you want, but I think counseling would probably go a long way towards getting to the root of the real problem and how to resolve it or work around it.

Post # 11
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think the first step should be going to the doctor for a check up. If this has been a recurrent issue in his life, then it could be linked to a medical history somehow. Best to have it check up first.

Second, I would strongly encourage you to searh for couples counseling. Most of these issues come from bad communication and expectations not reached. You both need help understanding the other and giving the other what he/she needs. Therapy might get you somewhere.

Post # 12
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

View original reply
2beecomeclearer :  

Apologize, stopped reading after I got the gist of the issue. PE is still affecting you after 10 years. That’s a toughy. I know that medically doctors can offer some solutions and/or tips. Has he not gone to doctor or the doctors couldn’t help? After a quick one is out of the way and the sensitivity is slightly less does he not last much longer the 2nd time? You said you like to get yourself 90% there beforehand….why exactly? I understand the theory but it can be a little insulting to not let your mate get you 90% there with touching, oral, sexy talk, caressing etc. instead of excluding them and doing it yourself. Are you saying he isn’t willing to pay attention to you beforehand to get you 90% there or that you’d rather you do it yourself and you don’t want him to do it. Are there certain positions that he lasts longer in vs. others or are all the same?

I’m sorry, I hope it gets better.

Post # 13
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Agree with pp’s , I almost had to stop reading after you got to the part where he gets pissed if you  masturbate, yet he himself masturbates daily. wtf is this madness???? He sounds like he is suffering from major self esteem issues related to his premature ejactulation problem. 

Also, fwiw, I don’t think taking 5 min to get “warmed up” is a long time at all! It can take me much longer sometimes, even when I’m already in the mood (as opposed to having sex thrust onto me out of the blue), and I never thought that was unusual. So I don’t think you should be feeling guilty about that!

I don’t really have any advice other than if this has been going on for the greater part of 10 yrs I think it’s time to take it to a professional counselor. Someone needs to break it to your husband that he can’t have his cake and eat it too (i.e., he can’t continue imposing 2 minute romps on you out of the blue that don’t do much to pleasure you, while also prohibiting you from pleasuring yourself) – and unfortunately that person cannot be you…you’re just too involved in it. I think he is so hung up on his own premature ejaculation problem that he’s not able to get out of his head and look at this objectively. That’s where a counselor can hopefully help!

Post # 14
16 posts

sometimes my partner will give me oral just because he feels like it, then carry on with his day. he gets nothing, doesn’t come… just gets satifaction out of making me come. it doesn’t sound like your husband cares about your satisfaction at all. his PE has nothing to do with your orgasm, he should be making the effort to satisfy you in other ways.

Post # 15
3577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
2beecomeclearer :  I am having trouble blaming this on premature ejaculation or ADHD, probably because DH deals with both of those as well and yet he doesn’t act like a jerk.

Not to totally stereotype your husband based on hobbies, but he seems like the sort of “manly man” who wants everyone to see him as a big strong guy. And then when he has an issue with his dick, his personality is to not deal with the problem, because he’s a big strong man and there’s nothing wrong with his dick. So instead he gets angry and doesnt want to talk about it, because talking about it might hurt his stupid man ego. 

He needs to learn how to get you off. And then he needs to put it into action. Teach him what you want him to do. Tell him that women don’t normally cum from penis stimulation anyway, so it’s not even important how quickly he ejaculates. The issue is that ejaculating is the only thing he does! 

So tell him how you’d like sex to play out. Tell him he needs to slow the hell down because you deserve pleasure too. He can use his fingers, his tongue, a toy. He needs to kiss you for a bit first, talk to you, help get you into it. And keep telling him that your issue is not with how fast he cums, but with how long sex lasts overall. Because even if he lasted longer, that still would probably not make you have an orgasm.

The biggest issue here is that he is ignoring your needs. A part of me just wants to dismiss him as being a stupid jerk, but the other part of me thinks that he’s acting like a stupid jerk becsuse he is insecure and doesn’t know how to solve the problem. I’m trying really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he gets upset when you masturbate because he’s disappointed in himself for feeling like he failed you. So I guess it falls on you to talk to him logically about this and put the double standard, hypocrisy, and idiot behaviors into perspective for him, in the nicest way possible.

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