- 3 years ago
Longtime bee going anon here, writing a damn novel. I very much appreciate this community’s input and have seen it swing from gently compassionate to harsh-but-fair truth telling in responses, so I’m ready for either…I just really have nobody unbiased to talk to about this sex and closeness issue and need some different perspectives, because it is tearing me apart.
TL;DR — is premature ejaculation normal after 10 freakin years of sexytime with the same damn person and if not, what do we do? How can I enjoy perpetual quickies if he gets defensive and feels threatened when I try to help out by getting myself close first?
(If you want the unabridged version, keep reading. And reading.) Hubs and I have been married for several years now, and we really are best friends, have known each other since childhood and never have struggled on any issue until this one.
He’s a very active hunter and fisherman plus has a love of fixing vehicles and motors, and he almost NEVER slows down. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and is still very much “busy till he drops” and has trouble collecting his thoughts in an orderly way when he’s excited. He can be impulsive but is always warm-hearted and easy to like.
I’m also outdoorsy, but quiet and methodical, and I love reading, art, and introspective pursuits. I have trouble relaxing when there’s shit to be done, and would rather do a task myself and do it well and quickly than watch other people try to figure it out.
We have hit a roadblock trying to mesh our personalities in sex even after years of having it, and I feel like it’s steadily deteriorating, even as the rest of our marriage is great. It didn’t bother either of us too much for a while because we assumed we would get old and bored and it would cease to be an issue eventually but it hasn’t. Hubs is constantly active like I said, and always thinking of work or hobbies UNLESS the sudden urge for sex hits him out of the blue. Which is frequent, short-lived once he has finished, and then it’s back to whatever he was thinking about, no cuddling or pillow talk. Like, the sex drive is gone so fast once he’s done that I half expect a slap on the ass and “good game, team!” On the other hand, I have a heck of a time trying to get turned on that quickly at his hand to coincide with his lightning-bolt need, and then it’s over in like 5 minutes or less, even with him working really hard to last longer. I think none of this would be so hard for me if he could sprinkle some physical affection (without consummation!) throughout the day, like makeout sessions and passing butt grabs or fun dirty texts, but he is so balls-to-the-wall with all his other thoughts and hobbies that it genuinely isn’t even part of his thought process unless it’s “go time.”
I have such a hard time with the bizarre and unincorporated dichotomy we are living, where I am the bestie and partner in crime 95% of the time until BAM suddenly I’m this desirable piece of ass he can’t keep his hands off of and needs to get inside me as soon as possible. He’s no sex addict, heck I can barely get him to watch any porn and he rarely shows interest or appreciation in other women unless I point them out first, although he does get himself off at least once a day which I consider healthy and almost wish he would do more of. He insists that when he does slow down from his other pursuits enough, his sex drive suddenly comes to the forefront and I am so hot to him that he can’t contain himself. He says NONE of his other girlfriends before me ever did this to him. And I completely believe him…he’s the world’s worst liar, and I can absolutely tell that he is TRYING not to come from the minute he’s inside me. Any and all foreplay only make that situation even worse.
I’m ok with a duration of about 5-10 minutes, I don’t think I’d even enjoy a marathon sex session, just as long as I also get to get off in some way. The problem is that the longer the foreplay, the quicker he comes once there’s penetration, even if neither of us has been touching him and he’s just been getting me off. Then he gets frustrated with himself if it’s too fast, which conversely makes me feel like a bit of a selfish failure that he had to work on me for 15 minutes but hardly got any action time himself. If I get myself off first as foreplay, or work myself close to orgasm before penetration, HE feels upset that he couldn’t do it himself for me, so it’s a lose-lose situation and we’re at a frustrated impasse that has left him mad and me in tears. It’s not that he’s not ready quickly enough for a second round, it’s just that the duration is no better each time we try, and usually after he has gotten off the first time, his mind zooms back to work or his myriad hobbies anyway.
There’s so much behind this that my head is in a complete muddle. I don’t have a high sex drive, but it’s also not low either. Sometimes I like to read a naughty book in the bath and just get off by myself, for the sake of enjoyable relaxation, NOT because I feel sexually frustrated and unfulfilled…but hubby absolutely can’t comprehend that me doing that is NOT me saying “I’m not getting enough out of you.” Which in turn is very confusing to me because I know he gets himself off multiple times a day and I don’t think anything of it.
Maybe it’s because I’m a type A personality, but I sometimes would prefer to get myself off, BY myself, than have sex that comes with a lot of emotions between the two of us. I can get off in less than a minute if it’s just me in a quiet room, either thinking about hubby or some sexual scene from a movie or a book. Whereas it takes so much effort for me to block out all the sensations and expectations of actual sex that I find it takes me a good 5 minutes to even get warmed up and stop worrying about how he’s feeling, whether he’s in control of himself, whether I’m making enough of a response for him to be able to tell exactly what I’m enjoying (even though we’ve talked through what I like, slowly and repeatedly, he still has a hard time knowing what to do if I’m completely relaxed and noiseless like I prefer to be when working towards an orgasm). He’s come home with all these tips and tricks from his work buddies to try to last longer, but so far none of them (thinking about other things…condoms…stopping to rest) do a damn thing.
We kind of hit our breakpoint tonight, which is why I’m here. I could have handled the whole thing better but we were both frustrated. I was relaxing in the bathtub, playing with myself briefly so I could get off for a good night’s sleep. Hubby was in the other room avidly watching a hunting show and tinkering with a new camera. He came in for a second and noticed what I was up to, and got frustrated with me (but mostly himself). He said “I’m just in the other room…if you’re getting out soon we could have sex!” I told him I was trying to just get off quickly with no fuss since he was busy, and we argued for a second until he guilted me into it. So I got out, dried off, and headed to the bedroom. Because I’d already been working on myself and was still at the stage where I was close, I let him go ahead and penetrate me. He got all the way in and held still, no further thrusting, I massaged myself for all of five seconds, and without him or I even moving anymore as stimulation, he was already coming. He was instantly mad at himself and rolled off me and didn’t say anything more, *I* lost my cool because if he hadn’t rousted me out of the tub I could have gotten off myself in my nice warm bath and enjoyed it a bit longer, so I said “really? I got out for that?”…and we argued some more. We eventually both calmed down and he cuddled me and promised he would try to turn me on more at random throughout the day instead of just springing it on me, but I don’t feel like anything got solved.
I know I should be flattered that he really finds me that incredibly hot, I dunno how in the hell since I’m very average, but it’s not something I should complain about! I’m just at my wit’s end. We could go to counseling over it but I’d like to hear any input from others first if you’ve been through this. Is it a medical issue? Psychological? It’s not like we’re brand-newlyweds! We’ve been sexually active in some capacity for the last nearly 10 years! This feels really selfish to be complaining about his sexual excitement around me actually increasing over a decade, but it’s causing so much tension right now to where I’m literally dreading sexual contact. Especially because I feel like it happens completely at random, when I would love more consistent but not such intense physical contact. I’ve been trying to explain to him that I desire a middle ground between “high five, bestie! Nice belch, let’s grab another beer” (yes. That happens frequently. Somehow it’s not nearly off-putting enough to him) and “We have to have sex RIGHT NOW, you brazen temptress” as I pass him in the hallway with a laundry basket in my sweats. He says it just hits him out of nowhere…and if he were just about “dumping a load” (sorry) as fast as possible, there’s no way he would spend so much time agonizing over whether it was long enough or felt good enough for me, so I don’t think it’s actively his fault. It’s like his dick is seriously just, well, being a dick :/ Help.