In need of some advice.. feel very confused and lost. my past is creeping up

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4815 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

lostinlife21 :  As difficult as it may seem, try to focus on the issue you are having now, with your current SO.   It is natural when you have anxiety to trigger and to pile on issues your ex had, but do your best not to go down that path.

Talk to your SO about your feelings, let him know that you are upset when he shuts you out.  Try to establish with him a sort of signal for him to let you know he needs some time to process his stress, by himself.   Maybe you can keep in touch during those times by text or email to diminish your stress.

See if you can work something out that gives him the space he needs, and you the sense of reassurance that you need.   Keep us posted, I hope all goes well for you.   And congrats on getting out of the last relationship, you are strong and brave!  

Post # 3
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like you are “ruminating” which isn’t healthy, but it’s understandable. You probably have a lot of anxiety over this.

There’s online resources but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, can you see a therapist? They can help you work through this.

If you don’t get your anxiety and suspicion under control, you are likely to drive  him away.

Post # 4
Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Astra :  This is really good advice.  Can you explain to him what you’re feeling, and that you know it’s not fair to him to think that he’s behaving as your ex did so you need him to help you work through it.  Communication will be key here.

Post # 5
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

It sounds like he is an introvert and needs time to process his feelings of stress, alone. This has nothing to do with you as introverts just need this buffer time to cool off. Another thing you can do is whenever you see that he is not stressed try talking to him about your feelings of anxiety. Explain to him what happened in your last relationship (easier said than done but laying out the past will help you tremendously) and tell him that you are feeling ignored/anxious. If he cares about you he will try to become aware of how his actions affect you. I am an introvert and I sometimes hurt the feelings of my extrovert fiancé on accident because I just need my alone time and he wants to talk about everything immediately. We are navigating through this but we are both very aware that our communication styles differ. This might be the case for you too. 

Post # 6
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

lostinlife21 :  I have been cheated on in past relationship, moving forward I found most helpful to not blame a current SO for feelings caused by an ex. Try to look objectively at the situation, most guys don’t cheat and just because he handles stress similar to your ex, that may be where the similarities end. It would be helpful to talk, but I would definitely do it in a “non stressed” time and explain that it makes you anxious when he shuts down. That being said, he has every right to handle his stress in his own way (as long as it’s not hurtful or destructive towards you), and you may be a bit hyper sensitive to “his way” because of an ex. 

My husband is quiet and shuts down when he’s stressed. I talk about it (it seems to go away when I talk about it, even if no one can do anything to help). He may not change but it may get more predictable for you. 

But don’t let your past relationship poison your current one unless you are seeing real red flags about cheating!

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