Post # 1
Thank you in advanced for reading this…I could really use some advice.
Back in 2015, my LT relationship of 5 years came to an end. It was toxic. He was unmotivated, unhappy, and dragged the relationship on for 5 years. He was constantly stressed out about life and his work, it effected us. It was full of lies, cheating (i found out numerous times but always forgave him), for days I wouldn’t hear from him, never wanted to talk to me about marriage. I was always stressed out because I kept asking myself if he was cheating on me, who he was with, why he wasn’t calling me.. I let it go on far too long.
Once it ended, I was sad..but a few months went by, then a year and I was ready to begin dating.
In 2016, I met wonderful man who isn’t afraid of talking about a future or a wedding…
There is just one problem now. He too is displaying some of the characteristics of my ex. There are times he gets stressed out and doesn’t want to talk to me.
I can’t help but go back to an anxious person thinking all these things in my head. I wonder the worst things, that he is cheating on me, that he has another woman, why won’t he talk to me…I had a discussion with him about cheating, and he said that he would never. All I can do is take that for face value.
I guess the advice I’m looking for is how can I stop having these same thoughts whilst in a new relationship. I am feeling strong feelings of anxiety and feel as if my thoughts keep creeping up on me, this relationship will end.
Post # 2
lostinlife21 : As difficult as it may seem, try to focus on the issue you are having now, with your current SO. It is natural when you have anxiety to trigger and to pile on issues your ex had, but do your best not to go down that path.
Talk to your SO about your feelings, let him know that you are upset when he shuts you out. Try to establish with him a sort of signal for him to let you know he needs some time to process his stress, by himself. Maybe you can keep in touch during those times by text or email to diminish your stress.
See if you can work something out that gives him the space he needs, and you the sense of reassurance that you need. Keep us posted, I hope all goes well for you. And congrats on getting out of the last relationship, you are strong and brave!
Post # 3
Sounds like you are “ruminating” which isn’t healthy, but it’s understandable. You probably have a lot of anxiety over this.
There’s online resources but if you’re feeling overwhelmed, can you see a therapist? They can help you work through this.
If you don’t get your anxiety and suspicion under control, you are likely to drive him away.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Astra : This is really good advice. Can you explain to him what you’re feeling, and that you know it’s not fair to him to think that he’s behaving as your ex did so you need him to help you work through it. Communication will be key here.
Post # 5
It sounds like he is an introvert and needs time to process his feelings of stress, alone. This has nothing to do with you as introverts just need this buffer time to cool off. Another thing you can do is whenever you see that he is not stressed try talking to him about your feelings of anxiety. Explain to him what happened in your last relationship (easier said than done but laying out the past will help you tremendously) and tell him that you are feeling ignored/anxious. If he cares about you he will try to become aware of how his actions affect you. I am an introvert and I sometimes hurt the feelings of my extrovert fiancé on accident because I just need my alone time and he wants to talk about everything immediately. We are navigating through this but we are both very aware that our communication styles differ. This might be the case for you too.
Post # 6
lostinlife21 : I have been cheated on in past relationship, moving forward I found most helpful to not blame a current SO for feelings caused by an ex. Try to look objectively at the situation, most guys don’t cheat and just because he handles stress similar to your ex, that may be where the similarities end. It would be helpful to talk, but I would definitely do it in a “non stressed” time and explain that it makes you anxious when he shuts down. That being said, he has every right to handle his stress in his own way (as long as it’s not hurtful or destructive towards you), and you may be a bit hyper sensitive to “his way” because of an ex.
My husband is quiet and shuts down when he’s stressed. I talk about it (it seems to go away when I talk about it, even if no one can do anything to help). He may not change but it may get more predictable for you.
But don’t let your past relationship poison your current one unless you are seeing real red flags about cheating!