(Closed) In need of some fresh eyes and insight

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I too am confused by her actions. How do you move a relationship forward if marriage isn’t wanted? I don’t see why anyone would want to get engaged if they never plan on getting married. Her wanting you to propose but not get married sounds greedy on her part. Out of curiosity what are you supposed to say if you did propose? Obviously not “Will you marry me?”. I agree with strawbs she really wants a promise/relationship ring then get a more plain one so when and if she comes areound to the idea of marriage you can still use the ring you have.

I think the two of you need to have a long serious discussion on what the future steps are. I hope everything works out for you, you sound like an amazing guy that any woman would be happy to call their husband.

Post # 48
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with PP’s – mixed messages.  This is no different than a guy stating he will propose, and then drags his feet, EXCEPT it is completely reversed, and ‘strange’.

You started your past by stating the facts – she is divorced, and will not re-marry.  You love her enough to give up something you want just to be with her.  All fine. But then, YOU purchased a ring ‘just in case’, of which she tried on (first mixed message, as someone who would never get married, would probably not try on rings with her Boyfriend or Best Friend ‘just for fun’).  Then, she saw the ring, and is now ‘upset’ that you will not propose, even though she will not marry you (second mixed message)?!

I think with a lot of honest communication, you 2 should be able to come to terms with a fair resolution.  1) You return the ring, and get her something else for her right hand, of which shows your love and commitment for each other.  2) You propose with the engagement ring and start planning a wedding/your future together as man and wife!! 

Having an engagement ring without a marriage is not fair, you are correct with your stance on that matter.  Having her fault you for not progessing with the relationship by doing this is not fair for her to ask!

Couple of questions back to you:  Why is she divorced twice?!  Im curious to see if she just found really crappy exes, or if it was amicable, or if perhaps she was the one with long-term commitment ‘issues’.  Also, had she NOT seen the ring, or had none of this played out this way, what would your plan have been with this purchase?!  Do you think you would have waited and tried proposing when the time felt right, knowing there was a chance she would have said no?!  I ask because you did make a really large purchase knowing her stance going into the relationship…

Let us know!! Good luck!

Post # 49
1012 posts
Bumble bee

God this sucks for you!! Sorry but it does! You want kids and a marriage. She wants neither.  Do you not think that compromising on something so fundamental will cause resentment down the road? Just wondering.  Because i see those as some very key issues you should be in agreeance with when picking a partner. 

You can do one of two things in my mind if you want to repair this. 

1.  Give her the ring as a sign of your love, tell her it is not an engagement ring and you are not engaged at all and will not be proposing without a wedding taking place. 

2.  Sell the ring to get ride of it and tell her if she wants you can both buy wedding bands. I actually do know people who have been together like 10 years but wont marry die to divorce etc and they have matching bands to show their committment.  BUt they agreed they would not be marrying and no “proposal” took place. 

Stick to your guys.  My biggest issue is not giving her a ring, its her wanting a proposal.  Why would you want that when you know there wont be a wedding?

Post # 50
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@mypinkshoes this exactly!

She is the love of your life and you are sacrificing kids and marriage for her and this relationship.

That’s great! BUT, what is she doing for you? Where is the compromise on her end?

Like a PP eluded to, really think about EVERYTHING you have told us, I hope its not something you resent or wish you had handled differently later regarding what you would like and deserve for your future and your life instead of giving her everything she wants without getting your needs or desires met or even compromised on.

Not trying to be harsh/snarky, just my $0.02.

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