- 6 years ago
Greetings all… My girlfriend and I are looking to get engaged soon (November time-frame), but her parents aren’t even onboard with our relationship. What I am about to share with you all is very troubling and may upset many readers, but please, hear me out and help me get through this. It’s a very troubling situation, but I need your help.
First and foremost, I am recently divorced. I hate referring to myself as a divorcee and it’s a title I want to erase from my life, but I have to deal with it and move on. Here’s the back story. About a year and a half ago, I started having these thoughts and feelings of wanting to get divorced, but I never shared it with anyone. I internalized everything that was going on in my marriage and let it eat at me from within. All the thoughts and feelings I was having lead me into a very depressive state of mind and I considered suicide as a way out. I didn’t like where my head was at, so I got the help I needed to come out of the depression I was suffering. However, I continued on with thinking I wanted a divorce and proceeded with my plans. I finally broke down and told my wife I wanted out. However, during this period, I opened up an online dating account under a fake name and started pouring over the internet dating scene to see what was out there and if I had any pull left in the tank. I never really intended to meet anyone and start a relationship, but I did. The problem is, I lied to her and created distortions of the truth to keep my marriage a secret. So I was lying to my (now) ex-wife and the girl I was talking to in an effort to keep my worlds from colliding. One lie led to another and before I knew it, everything was out of control. My ex-wife found out about everything and while I was trying to play damage control with her, she reached out to the girl I was seeing to bring her in on the truth and my worlds started to collide. What has led to even more problems is that while I was seeing this new girl and falling for her, she talked to her family about me, to let them know she too had met someone. However, she had told them about me under the false information I fed her. That’s right… fake name, not married, no family, etc. Looks really bad doesn’t it!? Bad isn’t the word for it. More like, Horrific, Despicable, Unforgiveable and the list goes on and on.
So fast forward a little bit. My girlfriend finds out about everything and instead of running for the hills, she listened to my reasoning behind why I did what I did and gave me a second chance. She forgave me for all the lying and we worked towards the truth about my life and everything that was going on. We continued to see each other and develop a relationship while I worked through my divorce. In the meantime, we had to start playing damage control with her family, who also found out the truth about everything, but through a different source, which really inflamed the situation. At some point, her parents sat her down and forbid her to carry on a relationship with me. I violated their trust and they’re not sure what to believe, so I can understand their dismay with the relationship. To add to it, her father is a Baptist Minister and her family is extremely conservative. She on the other hand is not. She has been fighting a battle against them all her life because she does not share the same views as that of her family. She didn’t want to break off the relationship with me and so we decided to continue on with it, but on a low profile. We didn’t flaunt our relationship or share details with anyone, except for close friends and that of my family. After a few months of keeping things quiet, we decided to break the news to her family that we had continued to talk and that we wanted to engage in a more serious relationship. Her parents were surprised to say the least and disapproved of the situation, but didn’t fly off the handle about everything like they did several months prior. They gave us an opportunity to try and explain the situation and that we have worked through it. Her dad of course is still taking a disapproving stance and does not seem to want to allow us to carry on the relationship. He and I sat down for a conversation a couple months back in an effort to iron things out. While the conversation never got out of control, he did ask me to not carry on the relationship and being a minister, stated that he wants God’s will for his daughter and that right now, he didn’t feel this was the right thing. I told him I would give it some thought, but that I didn’t think I would be able to walk away from his daughter that easily. He began to make several references to the bible and pull out stories that might have applied in an attempt to make me feel better about walking away, but I could not.
So, now after a few more months, things have still not gotten better and her parents are now ready to “cut her off”. By that I suppose they mean that they’re not going to support her decisions or welcome her home and such. She has chosen me over them and wants to get married and build a life with me. I want the same thing, but I realize the importance of family regardless of how bad the situation is and I am striving to continue to fix it. Her dad and I have continued to exchange messages, shooting holes in each other’s logic, but it’s more or less a stale mate at this point in time. My girlfriend’s closest friends are all supportive and know how happy she is. Her sister doesn’t really have much of a position on the situation, other than to say that she just wants her to be happy. Her brother is much like their father and is really against it. Her mother, while against it, does realize how happy Rachael is and just wants the best for her. I’ve pointed out to them both that this is God’s will and that, despite the circumstance, we were meant to find each other. My girlfriend and I want to be able to explore this relationship openly and freely and to share it with them so they can see I am not the bad man who mislead everyone last fall and that I was in a dark place and really messed up. Since then, I have returned to my former self and am a much better person for having met this girl. My ex-wife and I continue to have a good relationship, despite all lying and such. She was hurt the most during all of this and I have done everything I can to apologize for everything, but there will always be a certain amount of guilt I carry with me for my behavior the rest of my life, which will ultimately keep me from ever wanting to travel down that road again.
Anyway, I’ve spilled my guts about a great many things in this post. As I state previously, I’m sure I’ll get some hate messages over this and I cannot say that I blame anyone for thinking negatively over my behavior. But I know there are some compassionate people out there who can offer me some further advice on how to proceed with trying to win her family over. I genuinely want to fix the problems I created and move forward, but I’m at a standstill right now and I don’t want her family disowning her or her deciding to cut them off just to be with me. She tells me all the time, that if it weren’t me they’re fighting over, it would be something else… but that our relationship is worth fighting for in her eyes.
Thoughts? Please, no rotten eggs or tomatoes.