(Closed) In search of advice

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it’s very good that your girlfriend realizes that her parents are unreasonable and doesn’t expect you to fix the relationship. I think you should listen to her. Unfortunately, not matter how hard you try you can’t force them to change. Every parent has to reach a point when they realize their child is an adult and has to make their own decisions. It sounds like her parents are having a very hard time accepting that.

Stop trying to fix things with her family. . Focus 100% on your girlfriend and building a very strong relationship. Hopefully as time passes, strong emotions will fade and her family will be able to see that you are doing right by their daughter.

Post # 4
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this but it’s difficult to maintain a relationship built on lies.  I can tell you from experience on the other side of the equation that if family is important to her your relationship with her is probably not going to work out.

As far as advice on making it work?  Take 3 months to a year apart from each other.  I mean really apart; not the fake, hiding your relationship from the family “apart.”  Then come back and start courting your lady with complete honestly in front of her family.  If you actually take that time and then return with the behavior of an honest gentlemanly suitor, her family may change their mind (especially since they will have time to see you apart and how much she cares for you in your absence.)  But in all honesty, many people would equate this situation with you cheating on your wife with their daughter and that “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliche would prevent them from ever trusting you or the love you have for their daughter.

Maybe during that time off your lady will decide that she is okay with being “cut off” from her family.

Post # 5
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think it’s great that you’ve realized the impact of your bad decisions, and have made efforts to move on. How long were you married? Why were you having these thoughts of not wanting to be married? You say that there wasn’t anything wrong with your wife, but rather it sounds like you were just unhappy with the relationship- what makes you think that it won’t happen again? I believe that people need alone time to heal and grow in between significant relationships- and that yours started on such a sour note is very difficult to overcome. I think that it’s her decision whether she is okay with never speaking to her family, particularly if they’re so important to her, but if you love her then you also have a responsibility to help her make the decision that will be best for her in the long term- not what feels good now or is best for YOU. I suggest therapy to understand what happened with your ex wife, understand why you took the actions you took, and really understand this current relationship. Her parents will never trust you- honestly, can you blame them? They are looking at it as a man swooping in, lying to their daughter, and they are helpless- I think it’s very telling that her friends like you and are supportive of your relationship, but ultimately she needs to choose her family over her lover- and that is a horrific place to be.

Post # 7
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@InBaptistHell:  “My girlfriends father also explained that I needed to take time to reflect upon my previous marriage and such.  I feel as if I have taken time to reflect and with my girlfriends help, have come to terms with a great many things and because she helped me through it, we are a stronger couple.” 

I think what he’s trying to say is that YOU need to reflect on the marriage, yourself, why you did things. You jumped immediately into a new relationship, built on a foundation of lies. I think it’s admirable that you’re owning up to everything now, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve had any time to be by yourself. This new relationship will become old one day, and the sex might suffer at times. He’s trying to say that YOU need to work on yourself before he feels comfortable with you and his daughter starting a life. I’d feel the exact same way if I were a parent.

Post # 10
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think her parents have good reasons for being concerned and you need to respect them for wanting what’s best for their daughter. Her dad is her dad…he’s entitled to his opinion, even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

However, you two are adults and can make your own decisions. Part of marriage is making choices together. If she (or both of you) rely on other people’s approval, you won’t get very far.

You mentioned you were married for 14 years…is there a big age difference between you and your gf?

You have been dealing with a lot of emotions, guilt and stress over the last few years. Why not slow down a bit, get to know her family and let them get to know you. There has been a lot of drama (ugly, lying, drama). Her parents saw the ugly side of you, it’s going to take some time for them to get to know your good side. And shutting them out (like you mentioned happened with one of your gf’s friends) is not a solution.

Post # 12
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

What happened in your first marriage that made you want out?

Post # 13
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m sure you are a nice persion, but I’d tell anybody I loved to run away from that situation, too. Good luck.

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