Post # 1
Me and my man are getting married October 23, 2010 (soon I know), we’ve only been dating since April, but everything was just there when we met, we fell head over heels for each other and haven’t missed a day of talking to each other and see each other 3-4 times a week. Everything was great until last week, when my mom and grandma started being super controlling about the wedding. I’m 26 and still live at home with my parents, but my fiance is paying for Everything to do with the wedding! My original plan was to have the wedding in my grandmother’s huge beautiful backyard, but since all the controlling has started, i’m thinking me and Daniel should just elope. I need some serious advice and help on what to do? Has anyone else been through anything like this?
Post # 3
Honestly, if you dont want to deal with the drama…. then elope. We seriously almost did. We came very close to just going to the courthouse after my mom developed a momzilla complex (we had a talk, she’s better now).
Post # 4
You’ve only been dating him for 3 months?
No – don’t elope. Sit down and figure out why you are rushing so much. Honestly – that isn’t what you want to hear, but don’t rush into something so huge as marriage.
Postpone for another year. Attending premarital counseling. REALLY know you’re making the right choice.
Post # 5
What exactly are they being controlling about? If they are not providing financial support for the wedding, then they have no right to dictate any of the details (and even if they were, it wouldn’t be right for them to). Maybe there is an underlying cause for their sudden change to act this way.
Post # 6
Zippy, thanks for the advice, I’m gonna talk to my man tomorrow night about what he wants and what we should do.
SandiegoAli, we aren’t rushing, he’s 34 and I’m 26, we both feel like we’ve found our soulmate and this is my view, why should i keep looking or wait when i’ve found the person I’m meant to be with? We don’t go to church so we can’t attend premarital counseling anywhere here, the churches here only provide premarital counseling to couples that attend their church.I know I’m making the right choice, my mom and grandma are just controlling because I’m the only child and grandchild and they aren’t ready to let me go.
Mcnetn3: My grandma is the one that is the most controlling because she treats me like i’m two and like i don’t know how to make decisions for myself. See, I’m an only child and her only grandchild, i’ve lived with either her or my parents my entire life, with the exception of the 3 years i lived in Florida to go to college, so I think they are realizing that i’ve grown up and are afraid to let me go.
Post # 7
Good for you, I hope you HAVE found your soulmate. But I’d still really suggest holding off on getting married. I’m not saying you have to break up, I’m just saying slow down. Three months is NOT enough time to know if you want to be married to someone, I’m sorry, it’s just NOT.
And you don’t have to attend premarital counseling through a religious organization. I have no doubt there are many marriage and family therapists in your area that offer those services.
Post # 8
Do you think they might become less controlling if you moved out onto your own – I mean, do you think they would see you as more of an independent adult and not try to control so much? (I don’t mean this question in a snarky way – you said they “aren’t ready to let me go” – just wondering if you think they might be more ready to let you go and make your own decisions if you moved out on your own?)
Is their controlling related to the wedding – i.e., do they disapprove because you’ve only been with him a few months, or would they be acting the same way if you had been together for 3 years?
There’s nothing wrong with eloping, but there is probably an in-between of having it at your grandma’s place, and eloping. I don’t know what your budget is like, but if it’s a tight budget, are there any nice parks, rec centers, elks lodges in your area? They typically have very reasonable rental fees. That would eliminate some of the drama, but you would still have your wedding.
Post # 9
Gabrielle, they’d still be acting the same way if we’d been together for 3-5 years, it has nothing to do with the time we’ve been together, they just don’t think i should get married at all. I live in a really small town, about 4500 people, I just finished college in April and have been trying to find a job so I could move out on my own but there aren’t a lot of jobs here. My man has been working at his current job for 13 years so I wouldn’t dream of asking him to quit so I could find a job elsewhere. Our budget is pretty tight, we’re trying to save money so that we can buy a house in the future.
Ali: We’ve spent pretty much every day of the past 3 months together, so we know more about each other than you think a couple that’s only been together for 3 months would. We’ve thought this through and had long conversations about it and this is what we both want. I’m not one of those girls that enjoys being single or dating around, I’m happiest when I’m dating someone and in a serious relationship. I live in a very small town, about 3,000-4500 people so there aren’t a lot of relationship/counseling places in the area. There are general physicians and one psychologist in the area, but I wouldn’t go to him because he’s known me all my life.
Post # 10
I’m sure you’re probably getting people left and right telling you to slow down and wait.
I’m not one of those people.
My mom and stepdad got married 3 months after they first met and they just celebrated their 15th anniversary, and they have one of the best marriages I’ve ever seen.
Just wanted to share a success story! Best of luck.
Post # 11
The length of the relationship or engagement does not ensure success or failure of any marriage. Only you know what is right for you at this time. As long as you communicate, as you have shared that you do, that is what is important.
I think you must create a wedding plan and then propose it to your grandma. Explain that these are your plans, and you hope she will help you follow these plans for your desired wedding. You should be firm and be prepared to allow some flexibility. But think about what you are willing to be flexible about, and stick to it. Without a plan, it is easy to be manipulated.
You are probably right about your mom and grandma not wanting to let you go. Tha tis okay, but they need to work with you, not around you.
Post # 12
I think maybe, you should just sit down with them and talk to them. I’m sure since you’re the only child and grandchild and this is the only wedding they’ll get to “plan” they’re super excited. Just tell them what you want and what you will not compromise on and see what’s important to them. After talking with them if you feel like they’ll still be controlling I would think about eloping. Or even throw it out there that if they don’t calm down a bit then you will elope. I’m sure the thought of them not being able to control everything will be better than the thought of them not even being able to attend.
On another note….we have friends that live in Brewton. Small world!
Post # 13
Laura, well they aren’t really doing any of the planning because they aren’t paying for the wedding. My fiance is, my mom is actually in favor of us just going to the courthouse, she’s never been much of a girlie girl or interested in weddings. So I’m doing most of the planning by myself and with the hel of my cousin. Thanks for the advice though, I really appreciate it. What are your friends names that live in Brewton? I know a lot of people here, so I might even know them. It really is a small world!
Post # 14
What kind of controlling are we takling about?
My MIL was super controlling, and a lot of it I just let roll off my back, sometimes wtih an eye roll also. It was also at her house so I think if you’re using someones house you just have to let it go. Figure out if the stuff she’s being controlling about really is that big of a deal. If it’s like how the chairs are going to be set up and where the food is, just let it go, she’ll feel good about having the control and in the end it doesn’t matter.
Post # 15
What my grandmother is being controlling about is: she wants to hire someone to cater the wedding (someone that i know cooks horrible and raw food), she wants to hire a band and just other things that I do not want. I want this to be a simple, laid back, southern wedding and she knows that. Me and my mom already have the food and music all planned out. My grandmother always just tries to show everyone up and put on heirs which really irritates and annoys me, because my mom and I aren’t anything like that. I seriously think my mom was adopted lol.
Post # 16
A friend of mine got engaged after a few months, married the following summer, and they now have a kid and are still very happy.
If your FI is paying then just ignore your grandmother. It’s not like she can hire anyone without the money. I would not have the wedding in her backyard. Find another place. Take everything out of her hands. Just tell her how things will be once they are done.