Post # 17
If this kind of behavior is atypical of your mom, I’d suggest talking to her about it in a non confrontational way. Chances are she’s going through a pretty tough time and might need a dose of reality (like, hey, it’s not like you to slap your kid – what’s going on?).
When my parents were going through a divorce, my mom (who is very “motherly” and nurturing) took a lot of her stress out on us in strange ways. I’m not saying it’s right, but it happens.
On the flip side, my brother and I also started acting out and probably should have been slapped for some of the things we said. Divorce is equally hard on parents and kids.
eta: not sure why there are so many spaces between paragraphs, but trying to fix it is only making it worse.
Post # 18
Hmm…I don’t have a clear stance on whether it should ever be ok to hit a child (spank whatever), probably because I’m not a parent.
But here’s what I feel strongly about – if a parent is “emotionally out of control” when they spank the kid, that’s not ok. If they are in control that can be different.
Post # 19
I agree with this post. I wouldn’t jump to any horrible conclusions or go tattling to your dad or yelling at your mom. I’d bring it up in a non-confrontational way and asked what happened and how she’s doing. Hear her out and see if anything more needs done.
Post # 20
So, here is one instance that I was able to get more details about: My mom wanted my sister to join a certain sport, and my sister was adamently opposed (14 at the time). They fought over it, my sister said she didn’t want to do it (but would join a different sport). My mom told my sister she was taking her somewhere (I don’t know where) and took her to her first day of this sport instead. My sister was extremely upset and refused to get out of the car. My mom slapped her, and forced my sister out of the car to the sporting event. She ended up sitting at her first ‘practice’ sobbing with a visible red mark on her face. My mom never apologized and said my sister deserved it because she was histerical. It may be relevant: the sport is water based and my sister didnt want to participate because she was doesn’t like water and was self-conscious about wearing a swimsuit. The red mark comment is from my sister and I can’t confirm it from here…
Some kids can be out of control, but my sister is on her way to being valedictorian and has never truely rebelled (no drinking, drugs, she has never even kissed someone, never snuck out of been out past curfew). She is a really tender-hearted person.
Post # 21
I need more information. Why was your sister slapped each time? Is it something you’d be comfortable talking to your mom about to find out her side?
I fall into the camp that says spanking/slapping is no bueno. Rather than jump to conclusions though, I need more info and context as to why it happened. If your mom is taking out frustration on your sister because of whatever messy stuff from the divorce, then thats unacceptable.
Post # 22
I just posted one of the instances I know the most detail about.
Post # 23
As a clinical social worker I’m a mandated reporter, so personally I would call DCFS and report them for child abuse. However, in your case… I mean, ideally at least talk to your mom about it. It really isn’t okay.
Post # 24
I am not opposed to a light and reasonably administered slap or spank. I also usually leave parenting decisions to the parents, but seeing as this is your mother, I see no reason why you shouldn’t call her to express your concern if you have it.
Based on what you said (“…said my sister deserved it because she was histerical”), I’m assuming you’ve already spoken to her and she was dismissive. Have you explained that you are concerned that she may be in a difficult situation due to being in between your two parents?
I would avoid bringing your father into it or being accusatory of your mother if possible, but the real issue here doesn’t seem to be that your mother may have lashed out inappropriately (and your sister might be blowing it out of proportion; it’s hard to know), but that she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place because of your parents’ situation. If it comes to it, you could try to play mediator and simply convey to both your parents that you understand they are going through something very difficult, but you hope it won’t adversely affect your parents’ relationship with their younger daughter.
Post # 25
+1 is all i have to say, i got hit as a kid not beaten or anything and i deserved it and i turned out fine i did not dare answer my elders back.
Post # 26
@anonybee56: The laws in my state are very clear about what is acceptable and slapping on the face is not. I have very mixed emotions when it comes to spanking in general. I think there are times when it is necessary, but more often than not it seems to be done out of anger.
That’s what gets me about slapping. You don’t thoughtfully approach a child and slap their face as a punshiment. A slap on the face is a spur of the moment thing done out of anger, and as such not appropriate punishment, regardless of where the law stands on it.
So that is my objective answer.
In response specifically to the scenario in question I would consider talking to your mom about it if you are concerned. If this behavior is uncharateristic of her it may be that something is going on with her (your mom) that is prompting this behavior. Without knowing your mother and your sister it is impossible to pass judgement or give much advice.
Post # 27
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
I don’t have any children, but if my young children ever do something *very dangerous* e.g. about to touch a live cable. put their hand in a blender, run into the road etc I think a sudden, quick slap on the butt could be very effective in dissuading them ever risking their lives again as opposed to explaining ‘You shouldn’t run into the road because a car might hit you and you will get hurt’. Children are more likely to retest this boundary unless you associate pain with it.
Other than this kind of exceptional circumstance, I disagree with corporal punishment. Especially for a teenager, who can understand logic.
Post # 28
@anonybee56: honestly it all depends on the circumstance (ex: behavior and action)
my mother was never abusive to me, very understanding but the day I got a tattoo at 15 she smacked me. and let me add, it was well deserved. BUT if the parent is using violence towards the teenager or any other child as an outlet from stress from her/his disvorse totatly not ok. Also remember there are two sides to every story, teenagers do tend to exaggerate. I hope everything works out, good luck.
Post # 29
: +1. I agree completely.
, based on your update, I don’t think tht slap was warranted at all and I would be very concerned. It sounds like maybe your mom isn’t handling the divorce well. Has she sought counseling to help her through this difficult time? It might be a good idea.
Post # 30
@anonybee56: I forgot to add, I am a parent and I do spank when needed (severe tantrum episodes) but face slapping is a big no no for me. I feel like that degrades a person. If you know what I mean
Post # 31
Across the face? No. Unacceptable regardless of gender.
Across another part of the body? Sure.
Smacks to the back of the head? Sure. My grandma smacked me more times than I can count.