(Closed) In shock

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Is it ok for a parent to slap a teenager child?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 32
    Member
    3075 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    @anonybee56:  Oh my God as a kid i would get slapped/spanked and would get scared (though didn’t hurt just get scared easily) whenever i did something wrong but a lot of times i didn’t really think things through/ understand what i did wrong . When i was in high school i think eleventh grade my mom got the belt on me (though we get along great for the most part) because i didn’t wake up. it didn’t hurt, mostly due to shock but later oni realized  had a Mark on my arm from the belt. The thing that annoyed me was the fact that my younger siblings get so many chances and they never do anything to them. They cuss, throw tantrums, say things kids their ages shouldn’t say, etc and they just get a warning almost every single time. I don’t see a problem with a smack when someone gets out of line. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    400 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    It depends what kind of person you want your children to be – as adults do you want them to react with physical violence when there’s a problem, or with calm logic?  Sounds to me like your sister didn’t do anything to deserve it and I would count that as abuse.  

    My best friend was constantly hit by her father as a teenager, and now she can’t date men, and is in ongoing therapy, and is suicidal.  

    Seriously, a light spank to a naughty child is very different from slapping a teenage girl in the face!

    I hope she’s ok 🙁

    Post # 34
    Member
    1051 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I’m opposed to spanking in general, but I’d say what your mom did was absolutely out of line regardless.

    Punishment should never be emotional and it’s often difficult to step back, calm down, and then choose to spank your child. I’m not talking about a light tap on the butt for motivation, smacking their hand away from an electrical socket or an instinctual reaction to them running into the street, I mean hitting as a punishment for disobedient behavior.

    I was spanked by my now cut off sperm donor as a child and I can tell you it was absolutely not warranted and not effective. The last time he hit me I was 10 years old and told him if he laid another finger on me I would call the police. You should never put your hands on another person, especially once they’re old enough to understand basic logic and reason.

    Your mom sounds stressed out and angry and I’d say her behavior is completely unacceptable. If it were my little sister, I would definitely be stepping in in whatever way I needed to to prevent her from ever hitting her again.

    Post # 35
    Member
    480 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I’m anti smacking. BUT, every person loses control at some point, and ends up using physical punishment as a mean of discipline. The best thing would be for your sister to recognise the signs that your mum is a bit agitated, and to remove herself from the situation. 

    I was smacked as a small child, and as a teenager. I think that there is no right or wrong, but a lot of gray areas. If your sister is feeling upset about the smacking then she should talk to her mother when she is calm, see a counsellor, and get in touch with a support agency.

    Family violence can worsen, or it could be a rough patch. Your sister needs to develop a strategy plan to ensure that she is safe, and supported.

    Your father should be informed too. This is his daughter, and he has every right to know. 

    Good luck OP.

     

     

    Post # 36
    Member
    7959 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Under certain circumstances I could see MAYBE.  But in the instance that you gave re: the sports practice- absolutely not.

    Post # 37
    Member
    440 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I don’t think it’s right to smack children, full stop. In my mind if you’re smacking a child you are attacking a defensless human being. I also  think it inforces the notion on to the child that hitting someone when they have done something wrong is the best way to deal with the behaviour.

     

    In turn I don’t agree with anyone hitting another human being – if I came to the bee and said my DH hits me when I’ve done something wrong or vice versa you’d all be screaming at me to leave. Why is it ok to smack someone when they are a child?

     

    When my father was raising me and my siblings, I vividly remember an occassion when I was about 7 shouting and lashing out at him for something and he stopped me hitting him and said to me square in the face, you do not hit me, and I don’t hit you, if we need to get angry about something we talk.

     

    And that was it, and it’s exactly how I plan to raise any future children I may have.

     

    To the OP, I don’t think there is much you can do in the situation other than verbalise your disagreement to the tatics your mother is using and hope that you can encourage her to find other ways of communicating her frustration with your sister.

     

    Post # 38
    Member
    4953 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Nope. I was spanked as a kid, but there’s a difference between a smack on the rear and a slap in the face. 

    In the instance you mentioned, your mom was SO out of line. If she doesn’t want to play a sport, she doesn’t want to play a sport! It shouldn’t be a big deal. She’s not partying, getting pregnant/STDs, drinking underage, doing drugs, or failing school. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    @Hyperventilate:  Agreed 100%. Fiance and I “smack” each other all the time, but I would never, ever hit anyone across the face unless they were posing a danger to me.

    Post # 40
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My mom would slap us. She even broke a handheld mirror on my sister’s face. She had some anger issues. I really don’t want to be a physical punishmant parent but on certain occasions I can see it happening. If my daughter or son ever called me a vulger name then they would probably get slapped, once they were teens.

     

    I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but I’m being honest, that will more than likely be my gut reaction. I shaped right up with my mom hit me.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    746 posts
    Busy bee

    missrain and MrsYoshida:  +1

    I would never advocate physical punishment as it is not a thoughtful way to discipline a child; it’s an angry, emotional thing and only teaches the child fear.  This only serves to instill fear in the child, not respect.  If you want them to understand why what they did was wrong/inappropriate/hurtful/etc, you need to use words or other actions.  Never force.  This is how my younger brother and I were raised – neither of us were ever hit or spanked, even once – and I plan on raising my future children this way as well.  

    OP, from the clarification you gave, that situation does not sound ok.  If she wanted to do another sport, why was your mom so against it?  It sounds like you should talk to your mom and see what her take is.  She sounds to me like she’s really overwhelmed.  

    Post # 42
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @anonybee56:  Nope, not cool.  Does your sister have a safe place to go when your mom is angry?  I don’t care how mouthy a teen can get, slapping them in the face is abuse (and really should be reported to the proper authorities.)  I would discuss it with my sister and remind her that mom is going through a tough time and that she needs to behave and when mom is being unreasonable she needs to remove herself from the situation and not allow it to escalate.  I would tell her that she needs to call the autorities if she fears for her life or mom leaves a mark (and to let them know that I will come and get her if needed.)

    If mom continues to slap her, I would probably call mom to discuss it with her and ask if she needed me to take care of my sister for a little while until things cool down.  However, I am in a position of authority with my little sister because I am 17 years older than her and she regularly stays with me and has to follow my rules.  She minds me way better than she minds my mother.

    Post # 43
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I do not think it is ever OK to slap the face of a teenager (or older child).  I think it just means you’ve lost control of the situation and your emotions and are striking out in anger/frustration/whatever, and since that’s something parents are supposed to teach their children NOT to do, it sets a terrible example.  If either of my parents had ever slapped me, it would have been an enormous betrayal of trust.  Your mom slapping your sister is abusive, plain and simple.

    I’m a little bit more wishy-washy when it comes to spanking/swatting a young child (like, under 6 years old).  I was never hit as a child and I turned out fine (damn it, I turned out GREAT), but on the other hand my FI’s father believed in corporal punishment (different cultural background), and I believe my Fiance got the belt to his bum more than a couple times.  Wouldn’t you know, my Fiance is still a pretty great person today.  I’ll most likely be a non-spanking parent.

    As to what you should do about your sister’s situation – the two of you need to go speak to a trusted adult, like a counselor at her school, and then have a mediated discussion with your mother (and father).  It sounds like your sister can’t talk to your mom one-on-one without risking a slap, so steps need to be taken to ensure a non-private situation with a witness or two.

    Post # 44
    Member
    4272 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    My mom went through this during her marriage and divorce with my father. She was really stressed and we would get slaps or pops in the mouth that I wouldn’t consider warranted. The whole house was pretty much broken around that time and we were all pretty much yelling at each other. One day my mom was in my sister’s face and my sister shoved her to the ground. She also almost ran my mother down with her truck once when she wouldn’t let my sister leave, that was the first time my sister and I ever got into a physical fight. I really don’t know what came over me but I felt the need to protect my mother and I saw red, I was on top of my sister in a flash pummeling the crap out of her. It was weird, the next day we pretty much went on like nothing happened. I am sure we were the talk of the neighborhood.

     

    I guess we are pretty much going through the same thing.

     

    I can see a slap being justified in certain circumstances, but not in the scenario you gave. It was clearly done out of frustration.

     

    Post # 45
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    The only time my mother slapped me, I slapped her back.  If you’re big and bad enough to hit a teenage girl (which I was) then be prepared for the consequences. 

    I hardly see how this is acceptable behavior for an adult to communicate with a teenager.  Especially because she is not getting her way.

    Post # 46
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    No, never. Your mom needs to find other ways to express her anger or frustration.

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