Post # 1
Okay I really need to let this out. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years and we’ve been through some really tough times and we have always made it through. We were long distance for about a year and a half and it was difficult but we were so great together that we always pulled through. In August 2012 I moved to his town for college and things were great. January 2013 he gets an offer for his dream job and he accepts and is very excited. He soon discovered that the job was not all he hoped for and he has been working a minimum of 60 hours per week because of a lack of employees right now. Since he has been working so much we haven’t been able to see each other much at all recently.
I will admit that I have been putting pressure on him to hang out and I realize now that it was A LOT of pressure. He got off of work at a decent hour tonight and when I got off of work I saw that he was home so I called him with the hopes that he would want to watch a movie on his couchor something. So I called him and he didn’t answer so I thought maybe he was in the shower or something so i called again about an hour later and he didn’t answer but he texted me this
“You didn’t do anything. I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t give you the attention you want and need so I think we should just step back and turn down the seriousness and be friends until I know what is going on.” I texted him saying that I was calm because I wanted to call him and I knew he wouldn’t answer if he thought I was freaking out. We talked about it and he said that he wants to be in my life as a really close friend but he didn’t want to keep strining me along. I apologized for pressuring him but he kept saying that it wasn’t me–he just needed some time and space to think. I really was hoping that we could just have time and space without breaking up but I guess not. It’s over I guess. He said that it was “breaking up with the intention of working things out.” I don’t understand at all where this came from or why. I really didn’t understand why he needed to break up with me. I’m completely in shock that he seriously ended it with me. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I know he loves me too so I don’t see why breaking up is the answer 🙁 I can give him a break if he needs it but it is killing me already that we’re over. Its so embarrassing I can’t even tell anyone what is going on. Why do we have to break up if he has the intention of working things out with me? Why can’t we just work it out without breaking up?
When it comes down to it he is very stressed out. And he thinks that he is hurting me. Yes it does hurt to not be able to see him much but I can deal with that. I can’t deal with him breaking up with me. He said we will talk more about it soon, maybe tomorrow. I really hope we can work this out because he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I can’t bear the idea of losing him for good. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if there is anything I can do 🙁
Post # 3
@cassernova: I don’t think there is much you can do, but give him the space he is wanting. Give him that space, but go out with friends or relatives and enjoy yourself in the mean time.
Post # 4
I agree with the PP. If he is asking for space, thats the only thing you can do. Not giving it to him when he feels he needs it is probably the worst thing you can do.
I think there are a variety of ways this can play out. The first is that you give him space and he realizes he misses you, the second is that you give him space and he realizes he’s happy that way. If the former is what happens, it’ll be very hard for you, but better in the long run. The only way a relationship can work is if you’re both in it.
Time and space are key right now.
Post # 5
I think you’re handling this as well as can be expected. Give yourself a little time to absorb what’s happened, try not to spend too much time dwelling on “what if” you get back together. Focus on taking care of yourself — eat healthy meals, try to get enough sleep, get some fresh air and exercise, and spend time with friends. Do things you enjoy.
Post # 6
@cassernova: Give him space. go out meet people and if you like them date them. Don’t let him keep you on the leash though. Until you are a couple you are single.
Post # 7
Your situation made me think of a scenario in my life: When we are going to rearrange furniture in a room, I typically move things all at once in the room and just shift the back and forth until they are in the positon I want them. FH has to completely remove everything in order to make a plan and see how he wants them positioned. I think this is the difference in thinking for men and women. We are able to make changes and adjust in our heads and then apply. Men need to clear out their heads and then put forth a plan.
I think this is what your BF is doing. He just wants time to think at his own pace and not be concerned about how you are taking things or feeling (even though he will) it will just be easier if he knows you understand why he needs his time and then he will focus more attention on the matter and the resolution will come sooner.
I hope my silly metaphor at least put a smile on your face, you’ll get through this tunnel, theres always something at the end 🙂
Post # 8
Uh I’d be pissed frankly. Would have been nice of him to tell you this in person not via text. And oh, maybe BEFORE you up and moved?! Rude.
Post # 9
Yeah. That is pretty sh***y…
Post # 10
I really don’t want to be mean, but I think you need to face the fact that if he loved you he would want to be with you. Like the movie: he’s just not that into you.
Post # 11
OP I hope you have some other support there and hopefully not locked into a lease. Once the heartbreak subsides I think you’ll see this dude pulled a d*ck move on you big time and be able to start healing.
Post # 12
@cassernova: I agree, give him space. I know that doesn’t make it easier for you, but allow him some time to find himself and see if he is willing to reconsider. Sounds to me like he really doesn’t know what he wants. Give him some time to try to figure that out. So sorry.
Post # 13
He sounds really stressed out. When my Fiance gets stressed out from work, he tends to act like a baby and throw a pitty party and act like he isn’t good enough or whatever. Usually I just give him time to calm down and talk himself off a ledge. Lol. Maybe just give him some space and he will come around?
Post # 14
Maybe I’m too harsh, but if I were in your shoes I would treat the situation as though there was no intention of getting back together. If he wanted to get back together with me, he would have to seriously work for it, showing that things would be different.
Please don’t let him jerk you around.
Post # 15
@cassernova: I am really sorry that this happened to you, but think of it as a mixed blessing. You moved to the former SO’s hometown for college, right? That’s the perfect environment to meet people, even date, and start a new life for yourself. It would be way worse if you moved to some suburb with zero singles and nothing but married couples/families. You’re in college – EMBRACE IT!
Now about your dude – pushing you away after you MOVED for this guy is NOT a mature move and extremely selfish. If I were you, I would definitely think long and hard should he come crawling back (from my experiences, he will come back/contact you but usually won’t be able to give you what you ultimately want so it’s moot). Personally I think you can do better. If he can’t handle a relationship and a stressful job, how do you expect him to handle all the other stressful things that relationships/marriage/families come with such as money problems, illness, job loss, etc.? Give him space to grow up, and you go out and enjoy being in college! It only happens once. I graduated college in 2005 and pretty much wasted all my college years on an ex who didn’t deem me good enough for a serious commitment in the end. I kind of wish I figured it out my freshman year – I probably would have met way more people and had way more fun.
You will heal. Trust me.
Post # 16
Ughhhh. I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard!!
Ignore him. Seriously. And read “Why Men Marry Bitches”… Focus on your life and getting yourself together. Don’t text or call him for 2 weeks…14 days. Nothing. Remove him or limit him severely on FB.
I am not suggesting there is anything you can do, because you can’t change another person’s mind. But you can choose your next steps in life and you do not need to ALLOW him to call the shots. He said “with the intention of working it out”. Um, you get a say too. You get to choose, if at a certain time, you want to work it out too.
Clearly he’s feeling overwhelmed. But trust me, you don’t want a man that runs from you when he’s stressed. You are looking for the one that comes to you when he’s stressed for comfort.