(Closed) In shock right now. (LONG)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

And you don’t want the guy that breaks up with you via text!!! Yes, I know you talked but he started all of this with a text. C’mon…you deserve a call AT LEAST.

Post # 18
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

Break-up via TEXT!? He’s got a LOT of growing up to do!

I’m sorry.

Post # 19
Member
3695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

… silence…. silence…. silence… “I love you!”…. silence…. silence…. silence… “OMG stop pressuring me I NEED SPACE!!!”

Not amazing.  Not mature.  Not cool, at all. 

If that’s how he reacts to a phone call asking him to spend some low-key time with his long-term committed girlfriend thank goodness he hasn’t been put in an actual stressful situation.  Like, getting married, having kids, etc, etc. 

Space is “Hey babe, I miss you tons, but I’m so wiped I think I just need some time alone to decompress, how bout we plan something for Saturday?”  Space is not “I have no communication skills and haven’t shared anything with you, have built up a non-existent problem, now made it yours, and am still refusing to deal with it in any way other than breaking up with you.  So bye.”

Let him go, live your life.  Maybe he’ll grow up, he probably won’t.  You’ll just teach him a lesson that will make him better for his next girlfriend.  But you won’t forget how he broke your heart, so it probably won’t work out. 

Best of luck.

Post # 20
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@cassernova:  Here is where I think you should take a page out of Kate Middleton’s book and make it clear to him that 1) The break up has not destroyed your inherent fabulousness and 2) You are not going to sit around waiting with this ridiculous “breaking up with the intention of working things out” excuse. Either he wants to be with you or not. It seems pretty clear that he’s chosen the latter. And if he is really the kind of person who cannot balance a relationship with a heavy workload, then that is your gain because who wants to be married someone who shuts down whenever things get tough? If Bill and Melinda Gates (who both have insane work schedules) can make things work, if long-distance military families can make things work, then this is no excuse.

And, as hard as it is, don’t drive youself crazy trying to figure out why he decided to do this. My general sense is that many men, when they’re 24/25/26 are often just too hesitant to go ahead and make a lifelong committment, even if they really love their partner. Or maybe the awful truth is that he just wants to be single right now , but he can’t bring himself to say that. In the meantime, I would cut off contact from him. He doesn’t get to keep you in limbo. Don’t e-mail, text, don’t facebook stalk. Navigating a break up is all about maintaining your own sense of dignity and if you are reaching out to him after he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to remain in a relationship, that will only make you feel worse.

Instead, focus on something new. Try taking up a new sport or joining a new club, or volunteering at an organization you’re passionate about. Take comfort in your friends and know that time will make this easier. I thought I would never get over my break up with my college bf and now I have the world’s best boyfriend; and when you find the person you’re meant to be with, you won’t even remember that guy who broke your heart (via text — wtf!) when you were in college.

Post # 21
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@subtlebee:  +100000

Way better than I could have said it!

Post # 23
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@cassernova:  So he texted you…”hey”. Jesus what an immature douche. The other bees have given you great advice!!! Keep your dignity through it all….even though it hurts like hell. You are way better off without him!

Post # 25
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@cassernova:  

“I feel like I just caught him at a bad time so he ended it. I’m beating myself up because I had a gut feeling I should have just left him alone last night but of course knowing me I pressed the issue.

 

NO. NO. NO. you’re not right. he’s an ass.

 

would you do that to the person you love? no. cause it’s a shitty move. it’s not your fault. amd it doesn’t seem like he’s regretting it or apologizing.

you may not see it, but you will: you’re better off without him

Post # 26
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Give him space, do not sit around waiting for him if you find someone you are interested in, give them a chance. See friends and family. A man that wants to be with you, will be no matter how busy they are they will make time where ever possible to spend it with you, his breaking up with you may simply be from his stress at work, or he may simply no longer want to be with you and feels guilty that you moved out to be with him and it’s not working out.

Post # 28
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@cassernova:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. It will be difficult for you but do not contact him; give him space and let him come to you. Some guys when they’re under pressure can barely take a phone call, let alone two. The whole “he doesn’t think he makes you happy” thing sounds like a major deflection on his part and unfairly puts the burden on you to say, “but you DO make me happy, SEE?!” and feel like you need to prove it. So, don’t take the bait. Live your life, be fab and wonderful, and don’t get dragged into having to explain yourself or your happiness or your love. If it is real, he should feel it and know it through and through without you having to spell it out for him. Hang in there and big, big hugs.

Post # 29
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My DH and I broke up too. It sucked and I was heartbroken. But I followed a book called Getting to I Do. She says (and it worked)…

Give him 8 weeks, but if he doesn’t come back in that time frame, let him go. During that 8 weeks, you limit contact with him–when he calls, dont answer the phone and wait 12-24 hours to return his call. (same with texts, wait 12-24 hours to respond) When you do talk, make it short 15-20 mins and you be the one to get off the phone. Change your VM message so it’s not your voice (the goal is to make him miss you, and hearing your voice is like a little hit of drug that will help him not miss you as much) I’m torn about FB–part of me says unfriend him (tell him that being friends is too painful right now, maybe later), the other part of me says use FB to show him what a fabulous life you are having (Kate Middleton used the paparazi LOL). But make sure you are having a fabulous life–go out with friends, try cooking new dishes, join clubs, travel, etc. If you do see each other–NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!! No holding hands, or snuggling or kissing or sex! Again, you want him to go into whithdrawl.

I did this and it worked. After a month of limited contact (although we did go to dinner and movies a few times, with no physical contact), he realized his life was better with me than without me and was begging to get back together. 

That being said, if he doens’t want to get back together after 8 weeks, he is just stringing you along until something better comes along. 

PS- early-mid 20’s is a tough time. Is this his first real job after college? It’s a big adjustment and he is probably soooooo overwhelmed. No one tells you just how difficult the adademic to real world adjust is going to be. Give him space and let him get his head together.

Post # 30
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I actually sympathize with your boyfriend’s very demanding schedule, and let me tell you, when you are working that hard you have nothing left to give in terms of a relationship.

Just based on my reading of this, I think that given time and space, he will either hit a stride at work, or figure out how to deal, and come back to you.  I warn you, though… when he does come back, I’d be prepared to get a new and engrossing hobby, or stay busy with girlfriends.  You may ultimately realize that you need someone who has the time and energy to devote to you instead of to work.  Whatever happens, I hope that things work out, and I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now πŸ™

Post # 31
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

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@cassernova:  Please think about what he is doing.  He says that he feels he is making you unhappy by not seeing you so much, so he breaks up with you, which makes you even more unhappy…..it doesn’t make sense.  I think there is more to it than what he is telling you.  I personally think he is unhappy, but he is turning it around on you.  Please take a few days and think about this.  I know you want to be with him, but do you really want to be with someone who breaks up with you when things get tough or when he is stressed, especially via text?  You sound quite young, and you say you are in college.  I had a similar boyfriend when I was in college.  He did thinks like break up with me via text, then would make me wait 3 days (or sometimes more) until he had his “head together” for us to meet and talk about why we broke up.  There were also times where we wouldn’t talk for a day after we ended things, and then he would text me “hey” like nothing had happened.  It was mind games, and for him it was about control.  This guy sounds very similar.  Please please think about this, and whether you would be okay with the rest of your relationship being like this.  My ex never changed, and I had a miserable 3.5 year relationship before I wised up and ended things for good.

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