(Closed) In shock right now. (LONG)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like he wants to see other people, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy, so he’s pulling the “I’m just dragging you down” card to make it seem like this is your idea. 

Post # 33
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@KoiKove:  There’s no specific rules to follow when it comes to relationships. I’m glad the book worked for you but those are some very solid rules for a very fluid situation. I do agree that you should give him some space but only do what you feel comfortable with. If you don’t feel like unfriending him, then don’t. 

That being said…

I did this to my Fiance.

 

I was hitting my apex at school, working full time and still had household/family obligations that were completely stressing me out. I was always running here and there, always rushing, always having at least three things going on.

And I just couldn’t be there for him. I couldn’t hug him when he was having a bad day, I couldn’t sit and talk to him when he needed someone there and sex? Fucking forget about it! I didn’t have time for sex! I barely had time to brush my teeth!

And I felt like a horrible girlfriend, I felt like a horrible person because he was doing everything a good boyfriend should do. He brought me caffeine, food for studying. He was nothing less than kind, patient and understanding with me even when I was acting like a crazy person.

So, one day I sat him down (in person, not over text, shame on him!) and explained everything to him. I even gave him the “break up to work my stuff out” line. And I was very sincere about it.

I knew that if I was going to give him the time and energy he deserved, that I needed time to figure my own stuff out. 

I’m not telling you this to give you any false assurance that “oh yeah! It’ll totally work itself out”. But just to give you an idea of why he might have done what he did and how he did it. Sometimes it’s easier when you have an idea of what is going through the other person’s head.

Someone on here said to just treat the whole situation as though you two aren’t getting back together. Give him time, let him figure his stuff out. Let him know that you’re ready when he wants to talk about it but pushing him to talk to you is just gonna push him away. He does owe you a better explanation but don’t expect to get it. 

I’m sorry. The situation you’re in sucks. But you owe to yourself to treat yourself better and not let yourself be strung along if that looks like what he’s doing.

Post # 34
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m sorry to tell you this but this sounds a lot like what my ex did to me. We were together for a little over 3 years and in love and all that when out of no where he dumps me because he didn’t “have time for a gf right now”. Seriously? 3 years of commitment and he ended it because he “doesn’t have time”?? He said he had every intention of getting back together with me in a few months when things quieted down. Well I guess things did quiet down because in a few months he had another gf. He strung me along for longer than I care to admit, but I was eventually able to move on even when I thought I never would.

 

Honestly I think guys do the whole “it’s just a break” thing so that we don’t get hysterical. I’m sorry but I don’t think he has any intention of getting back together and is just trying to keep you calm with the hope that he’ll come back.

Post # 35
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@cassernova:  Can I be honest? My bf in college gave me the exact same line. “You deserve to be with someone who can be a better boyfriend/someone with more time/someone who makes you happy.” I honestly believe this is a reasoning used by people because they just don’t want to admit they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore and instead want to make themselves feel like they’re doing something noble or they’re doing you a favor by breaking up with you.

And, who knows, maybe he is. Because if there’s one thing I’ve realized by being in my current relationship is that when you and your boyfriend are actually in it for real, breaking up is never an option. Just as in a genuinely strong marriage, divorce is never an option. It shouldn’t ever be uttered, no matter how stressed or how busy he is. It shouldn’t matter how busy you are, or how far you live apart, or what his family thinks of you, or any of that other noise. If you both genuinely do love each other, you don’t talk about breaking up.

And 2.5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship; but I think it is worse spending a lifetime with someone knowing that, at one point, they had their foot out the door. I’m not saying relationships can never recover, but at this point, the work is on him; sadly, it appears he just does not want to do it.  And as much as you need him and love him, you have to find the strength to not want the relationship anymore. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but do not contact him. That will only make things worse. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be with you, and he did it in a shitty way, but trying to get “closure” from him will just tell you what you already know: He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. So allow yourself time to grieve, but also realize that your worth is not tied to being in a relationship. If you are young and in college, you have a whole community open to you where you can learn new things and meet new people. Try doing things that literally take your mind off of it (running is a particular favorite of mine). And eventually, this will pass and you’ll be stronger for it. 

 

Post # 36
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@cassernova:  Can I just tell you how much I understand what your going through! My HUSBAND, whom Ive been with 8.5 years, living together for 3.5 years and married 4 months, told me about a week and half ago that he doesn’t know if he loves me. He told me that he doesn’t feel he can give me 100% anymore and it was by far the hardest thing to hear in my life.

 

When your with someone who you truly love and care about its so hard to imagine your life without them because in some cases its all you”ve ever known. You have such a big community of people on here that will be here telling you such good advice and even though right now its hard to hear it, I’ve learned that they are probably right. Yes you need to keep yourself distracted, and yes you need to STOP the contact. Stopping the contact was the hardest part for me but I’ve managed to go just about 4 whole days without talking to him. It’s so hard not to send him that text in the morning or to tell him some news I learned during the day but its all about self control now and its time for you to give him his space and make HIM MISS YOU! He knows that you do love him and that you miss him but now the ball is in his court and he has to figure his sh*t out.

Post # 37
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@cassernova:  I can feel your resolve weakening from this post. Hence, I suggest that anytime you feel like contacting him via text/FB/email/whatever, post to this thread instead. Don’t worry about s-p-a-m-m-i-n-g the thread – just use this as your therapy in a sense. Like corasong said, the work is on him if he wants to get back and fix things. And he has a lot of work to do when it comes to fixing things.

I know that it feels like the end of the world right now and it may feel like it tomorrow, but in a few weeks, it won’t feel like it, and before you know it, you’ll have moved on. I dated a lot in my 20s and whenever a “relationship” would not work out, I would have three days of “mourning” where I would cry how it was the “biggest tragedy.” Now I laugh at it. I was being ridiculous. Trust me – you’ll feel the same way. Just give it time and give yourself some love/respect.

Post # 39
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@CandieC88:  I disagree (slightly). My boyfriend is an Accountant and right now it’s Tax Season which means he is working about 60 hours per week. Not only do we talk everyday on the phone, but he also always makes time to see me (at least on weekends). Is it tough? Absolutely. Maybe it’s just different personalities at work or something. I agree with the rest of what you said though. 🙂

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@cassernova:  I wish I knew what to say to make this easier for you. One of my friends went through something similar late in 2011. Her boyfriend broke up with her and then, a few months later, he realized what a complete idiot he had been. They’re currently planning for their December wedding. So these stories can have happy endings, but it depends on the people involved.

Keep attending your classes. Keep up on your schoolwork. You mentioned that dying your hair made you feel better for a bit; have you thought about doing Yoga or jogging or something? How about reconnecting with nature and the outdoors? I find that being outside always makes me feel better.

I agree with everyone else: focus on yourself and filling your time for now. You don’t have to date right now if you don’t want to, but be open to the idea of meeting new people and making some more friends. Concentrate on being a happier and healthier version of yourself and you will start to feel better (it will definitely take time though). And remember that its ok to mourn what happened, but don’t let this define who you are.

Post # 40
Member
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@cassernova:  Here is my honest tough love:

I understand that you miss him, I understand that it hurts right now and you didn’t see this coming…..but please, please remind yourself every single day that he didn’t respect you enough to talk to you about this to your face.  He broke up with you BY TEXT.  Seriously.  Why would you ever tolerate that kind of immaturity and disrespect? I know it hurts at the moment but if your friend told you this story, wouldn’t you tell her to DTMFA and move on with her life?

Every relationship has rough patches.  Every person deals with stresses in their life, be it work, family, money, health etc.  What defines a healthy, mature and successful relationship is that the people involved work out the stresses while staying in the relationship, rather than bolting and not being mature enough to handle their issues with their partner.  By what you describe, he isn’t able to do that and didn’t see you as enough of a priority to even have the balls to tell you to your face.  

Trust me….I was dumped like this once.  And I wish instead of my girlfriends validate me in my moping and wishing and hoping, that they had taken me for cocktails and said what I’ve said to you: DTMFA! He doesn’t deserve you if this is how he behaves.  The issue isn’t about how he feels (he has a right to that), it’s about how he deals with the difficulties of his life.

Go on with your life, do things for yourself and invest in yourself.  Don’t be friends with him, you don’t want him as a friend so why accept less than what you want? And if this time that he wants helps him to see how important you really are to him and he finds some maturity and tries to work things out with you, that’s great if that’s what you want.  But don’t wait. Grieve….then move on.  

I hope you feel better soon.

Post # 41
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

First, I am so sorry this happened to you – especially after 2.5 years and moving to be with him. It sounds really tough. However… why are you posting on Weddingbee about it? Not that we aren’t supportive, and you are very welcome, but perhaps the fact that you’re posting here points to you putting more pressure on him about moving forwards (ie to wedding stuff) than he is in any way ready for, and that is actually fair. Regardless, I agree with most of the posters above that he handled this terribly and you should seriously, seriously consider if you want to be with someone who treats you like this, even if he does come crawling back. I hope you figure it out and feel better no matter what happens :/

Post # 43
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@cassernova:  I’m sorry you’re in such pain. I totally feel you…those first days and weeks after a break up can be excruciating. I would try to keep your mind off it. Watch a movie (weirdly, I actually liked watching war movies after my worst break up because they just reminded me of something bigger than my own troubles; any romantic comedy was just too painful). Just try structuring your days (I’m sure you’re already really busy) so you don’t have too many blocks of empty time where you can sit and think about him. I promise this will get easier and you’ll eventualy start to feel better. *Hugs*

Post # 45
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I am so sorry that this happened to you.  You didn’t deserve to be broken up with in a text esp after you moved.  Maybe you moving there made him feel locked in and he realized he wasn’t ready for that or that like someone said before “he is just not that into you” kind of thing…nothing you did but just it isn’t what he thought.  The fact that he did it in a text and the way he was talking makes it seem like you need to explore your options and see if he even would be right for you.

Best of luck and spent time having fun with friends!

Post # 46
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

That was not a sign of anything. Dont read into it. Quit finding reasons to contact him. Unless you were helping a stranded friend, you didn’t need your air compressor.

However I do recommend you plan for the exchanging of the stuff. Go around your place and collect all his stuff and put it in a box. Then plan to drop it off (when you wont see him) or have a friend do it. 

The topic ‘In shock right now. (LONG)’ is closed to new replies.

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