Post # 1
So a little background I don’t speak to my Mother anymore she has mental issues and won’t get help for them making it impossible to have any relationship with her. She is also refusing to have anything to do with my wedding. I just recently started talking to my father again still not a “normal” relationship but it’s getting there. Meanwhile I have a 2 year old son, 2 adopted children, and a foster son. My 14 and 6 year old both have special needs. The only person in my family I really have is my sister. She has issues to but she’s the only one I have. Now to the problem:
She lives 3 hours away and visits every few months. Her computer is ALWAYS breaking because she doesn’t take care of it. My FH has spend hours fixing it in the past. This last time it broke she brought it to us. We didn’t have the right disc to try and fix it so I spent my own money ordered the disc which took 2 weeks to get. My FH finally got to trying to fix it yesterday 4 hours later he can’t fix it.
So I get this text from my sister this morning:
“I don’t care if the computer is done or not. Send it back to me this week I’ll pay someone to fix it. Its been 3 weeks since I left it with you. I could’ve just paid someone to do it and had it today. I know it’s been a long time since you’ve had to pay bills but I need it and I need it this week. I don’t ask favors. I’m not asking you to drive it back up here or help me financially. It doesn’t matter that I lug my table back every time I come back to give you a massage or that I always make time to answer the phone when you call. If you want me to be able to attend your wedding in FL ship it back to me by Friday otherwise I probably can’t attend. I’ll deal with fixing it myself.”
So the reason I am so upset is because I have never asked her to bring her table back and give me a massage. She has always just done it because she always give my grandmother a massage when she comes back. Also she asked my FH to fix the computer again because someone else quoted her to fix it and she didn’t want to pay them. Also my FH was in FL looking at a house when the disc came so that’s why he just ran it. I have alot going on right now and honestly she knew the computer wasn’t at the top of our list when she left it here. I have kept her updated on the status of her comp and even tried calling her last night to tell her the disc didn’t work. Also we have already paid for her entire trip to FL to attend our wedding as she was the only person that was supposed to attend. I’m just upset because any time she comes back we open our house for her to stay and for my bridal shower that she voluntered to have she didn’t do anything for and I ended up having to pay for and plan my own shower. I feel like she’s being a bad sister but she’s really the only family I have and I’m so upset that she is being so harsh. Also she set up a horse riding thing when she came back for my bridal shower (that is the reason she was here 3 weeks ago) and I ended up having to pay for it.
She has also only given me a massage twice any other time she would just go to my grandmothers house and give her one. I have never asked for one because I actually think it’s rude to ask her to do that.
Also my great grandmother died a week ago and I have a small chicken flock of 6 my favorite chicken got sick friday and passed away yesterday so everything all at once is really hard.
Post # 3
It sounds like she is just lashing out. It’s hurtful and mean and you shouldn’t have to deal with her nonsense.
I would stop helping her fix her computer now and in the future, tell her to find someone near her to avoid this situation again.
Relationships are a two way street and she needs to be respectful to you too. It’s hard to accept, but maybe you’ll never have a “normal” relationship with her. Are you ok with that?
Post # 4
So what do you want the end result to be?
Do you want her at the wedding? Do you want to make the relationship better? Do you just want to keep the peace?
Post # 5
@lefeymw: I usually always try to keep the peace I don’t like confrontation I usually avoid and in the end I’m usually always the one compromising and getting hurt. People tend to walk all over me. I don’t know what to do really. I don’t even know how I should feel. I guess I don’t know if I should try and save the relationship or not. I tried calling her and she didn’t answer.
Post # 6
Ugh, bad things come in threes. I’m sorry for all your losses, even the chickens (I’m a duck and turkey enthusiast myself, it hurts to lose them).
Guilt trip much?? I hate when sisters pull that “after everything I’ve done for you!!!” crap. You’re family, that’s what you do, you help each other.
I had a friend who LIVED to have these “I do everything for you and you do nothing for me” fights with her sister. It was exhausting. I know that’s not what you’re doing at all, and you do want to stick up for yourself, but leave out any mention of specific things you’ve done for her. Then it just becomes a pissing match.
Just text her back that you mailed back the computer and that you didn’t realize it bothered her to bring the massage table back and forth and not to worry about it from now on.
When she calms down she’ll realize A. she now has to pay to have her computer fixed and B. that she actually liked being able to do something nice for you and give you massages. I have a zero tolerance for BS like this, you’re doing her a favor, she shouldn’t complain.
Just rise above it and be the calmer one here, she’s having a hissy fit and you don’t need that right now. I hope you feel better soon, and again I’m sorry you’re having such a tough week : /
Post # 7
I think she feels like you really don’t know what it feels like to be her. You have taken up so many of the bills and things that she doesn’t have much left to her self worth. I noticed a bit of a money issue going on- is this a case where your husband pays for everything and you have no struggles at the moment?
Perhaps she has something on the laptop that she needs ( to pay bills-which you apparently havent done in a while according to her message )or maybe wants to surprise you with something for the wedding..
Her text is simply showing you all the little things that she does for you and maybe you don’t perceive them as huge because you view the things you do for her to be far more worthy or that you never ask for them..so it doesn’t count
EDIT: I’m also sorry to hear about your week! Our pets are so stressful and family drama is crippling. Hoping things look up from here on our and you can enjoy the wedding:)
Post # 8
@MarryMeTiffany: I think you need to think really hard about your relationship with her and if its good for you and your family to have her in it. I know she is the only one left, but just because someone is family it doesnt give them the right to mistreat you.
Depending on your answer then your actions/words will change
If you want to be honest and let the chips fall where they may then I would say something like this (or write in a card)
Sister, I am sorry that the computer took longer than you expected, but the CD we purchased to help fix you computer took two weeks to come in and Fiance wasnt home when it arrived. I appreciated your massages, but I didnt know that it was such a chore for you to bring the table. I thought since you were bringing it for grandma you offered me a massage to be nice. Please do not worry about massages in the future.
I was only trying to help you fix the computer and I am really hurt that you would not come to the wedding over it. If you do not want to come please do not feel obligated to come. I do not want to force you to do anything.
Post # 9
@Eva Peron: I was a single mom before I met my FH. My son is almost 3 and I met him when he was just a few months old. I remember what it was like to pay bills and I DO still pay bills. I am now a stay at home Mom and I also do daycare in our home. I pay my student loan bills, my cell phone bills, and most expensese for my son including diapers, medial expenses, clothes, etc. The reason she wants the comp is because she does “web cam” stuff which I won’t get into details about because I tell her I don’t want to know and she doesn’t share them.
Post # 10
@MarryMeTiffany: Sounds like she has a few hidden issues that she needs resolve