- 10 years ago
Hi everyone. I’ve been on the boards awhile but haven’t posted a whole bunch about my situation but the situation has come to a crossroad and I would love the support of the bees.
The background: been dating SO for 2 1/2 years. We are both divorced and his was a traumatic awful situation. Mine wasn’t great either or HEY, let’s face it, it wouldn’t have ended but I think he went through a lot worse than i did. He’s soooo good to me and I love him dearly. I’m having financial issues due to my divorce in part but also because I lost my job a year ago. However, I’m lucky…i found another one and I really love it but it was a $9 an hour pay cut. OUCH, right? My boyfriend, who we’ll call “Mister” to make it easy to reference, helps me out. He buys all my paper goods, cleaning supplies, cat food so that all I have to buy is food. He also gives me $200 a month to help me out and fills up my tank a couple times a week. We live an hour apart and are together typically Fri-Sun taking turns going to each other’s home.
I love him – and I know he loves me. He tells me this so I’m not guessing. He wants to move in together and we’ve been making preparations for that. but, I’ve put the brakes on it.
Here’s why and here’s why this seemingly perfect love relationship has a big problem…hence why I’m writing and why I need some help. First thing that happened to let me know he was a commitment phobe when it comes to marriage. Rewind to last summer. He skypes with a childhood friend, a man, and he wanted me to “meet him” on skype. So, I did. he introduced me as his “life partner” and said “of course I’m never getting married again.” He and I had not had the marriage talk at this point (my bad!) so I was SHOCKED…(again, my bad) so I said “Nice to meet you to his friend, calmy got up and started cleaning the kitchen which was what I was doing before he asked me to “meet” his friend. He knew I was upset and got off the skype call and came to me. I cried. I told him I didn’t know he felt that way and that if NEVER was true I did need to know that because that’s not how I felt. He said “no I would never say never I’m just not ready now.” Also said “I was pressured into it with last marriage and I want it to be my idea and it has to naturally happen for me.” Long story short he didn’t propose to her and she pushed it and he regretted it. He made a mistake – she was going to inherit money and he was kind of “pulled in” and he admits that greed messed him up.
Anyway – that was the first “marriage” talk. I got past it, sort of and the relationship continued and grew. we went on vacations together – declared out love and he continued to (and continues in the present tense) to be a fabulous partner. Except the “m” situation.
So – fast forward to now. About 2 months ago I finally decided to have the “m” talk. He was uncomfortable. i was calm and did a great job if I do say so myself. Told him that since that comment i had felt insecure about where we’re headed and was confused because he wants to move in together and talks about us in “forever” terms and reiterated that I did want to marry ONE DAY. No timeline, nothing. Just said one day. He said he wasn’t ready and it’s because of his bad marriage and because he just wasn’t psychologically there yet. Finally said “yes” to the question “do you see us ending up in marriage and is that what you want.” reluctantly kind of said it because I pushed it out of him. he’s not the free-flowing with emotions type. he’s an earth sign – very pragmatic, very very logical. I’m the emotional one.
Okay – fast forward to NOW. He made a comment that hurt my feelings about 2 weekends ago and it really hurt my feelings more than perhaps it should. I concluded the reason is because I’m really unsure about his intentions with marriage and us. So I brought that up. He is not ready. he is resisting. He says he doesn’t want to break up, wants to spend the rest of his life with me but isn’t ready to commit to marriage. I have said “I need to know we’re on the same page and if we’re not I need to put on my big girl pants and take that into consideration because I do want to get married one day.”
He is moving into my house. or at least that was the plan (I’ve put that on hold given the recent events). He’s poured well over $1,000 into my house making repairs that he wants made before he moves in. He is planning on adding a garage to the side of my house (there’s a carport there now). I told him “thank you and I appreciate you doing this for me but unless we’re legally married no matter how much money you put into my house, you will have no ownership in it.” He plans on renting his house out for now until the market improves.
This morning: Said these exact words: “yes, if we stay together and keep getting along like this then I do see us ending up in marriage.” But I’m not there yet.
Kind of a half ass response. I am finally standing up for myself. I told him that I deserved someone who “knew” after 2 1/2 years and that I deserved a man that would fall all over himself to marry me or at least say freely that he wanted to do so.
We almost broke up last night. I didn’t go over there. It’s my weekend at his place but I’m not going. He’s coming over here. I told him I had no desire to drive over to his house and be stuck there upset and that if he wanted to see me he’d have to come to me. So he is going to. I asked him to please wait until mid afternoon because I needed to take care of house cleaning.
this is how it ended:
Him: said the above statement. recluctanty. Made it clear he does NOT want to break up.
Me: Okay, I can accept that for now but I need to be honest and let you know that at some point it’s not going to be enough for me and the relationship will have to end if you don’t want to marry me. that’s what I want and deserve. I said if you’re uncomfortable with that, we need to end it now. he said, no – I’m comfortable with that.
so – I guess it’s GAME ON, huh? I’ve said it all.
Please help me through this difficult time….I don’t want to talk to very many people about this because you know how people gossip. You guys are the experts.
I hope he comes around but if he doesn’t I am not staying. I haven’t given a timeline, but I might do that soon. I asked him how long he thought it would take for him to be sure he wanted to marry me and how long it would take him to overcome the psychological issue he has with marriage due to his past – he said “I don’t really know right now.” He does also say “I know I love you and I don’t want this to end.”
HELP!!!!!! distraught and nervous!