(Closed) in the BAD stage – had the marriage talk. Need support/advice. LONG post.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I can see why you’re frustrated 🙁 It’s like you can’t win either way.  If you stand your ground you will never know if you pushed him into it.  And if you let it go, you will be insecure with your relationship.  I don’t have the answer but i would ask myself if I would want to be with this man enough to accept where he is now and enjoy the moment.  If not, it would be a deal breaker for me.  Not an ultimatum for him but a decision for you. 

Post # 4
Member
12 posts
Newbee

@prshadow:

First off, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with a great guy.  He is supportive emotionally and financially and shares in the travel it takes to make your relationship strong while you live apart.

I am also divorced – from someone who turned into a raging alcoholic after our child was born.  It has been a terrible divorce and I have not recieved an ounce of financial support from my ex for our child who I have full custody of and I am the sole provider for both my child and I.  Mortgage, daycare, food, utilities, etc.  It hardened me so much that, to this day, my wonderful fiance who I marry next month still doesn’t understand my reluctance to “let go” and let him take care of me.  He is also divorced and though the circumstances were terrible, he is not as jaded as I am.

I think that if you have spent over two years with this wonderful man and you know you love him and want to marry him, you should give him a little more time.  I am not sure if the rush is due to wanting to have kids?  You don’t mention if either one of you have children or if you want children but from what you said above, he does want to be with you and marry you.  And if he is investing in your house, it is because he thinks he has a future with you.  You’ve told him how you feel.  Divorce leaves people raw.  That is the best way I can describe what it feels like.  It sounds like he just needs a little more time to heal before he can get caught up in wedding bliss.  If you break up with him now, I think it would be premature and you would regret it. 

(((hugs)))

 

Post # 6
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

from what you describe, i’d give him more time. it seems like he’s hesitant about marriage because of things not actually related to you–he’s shown that he’s supportive and increasingly commiting to you, by investing in your home, moving in with you, etc. he has baggage from his divorce that’s making him drag his feet, and while not ideal, it’s still understandable from an outside perspective. has he ever talked to a counselor or someone about his divorce? i wonder if that would help him move past his insecurities from it. in any case, as long as you keep seeing him make an effort with you and see growth in his committment to you and your relationship, i’d give him more time. my husband was hesitant when i first brought up marriage because of reasons not actually related to me–he was insecure about his job/career–and he came around. neither of us were divorced though and both saw ourselves getting married, so his hesitancy was making the transition from “some day” until “let’s pick a day.” that’s a little different, since your guy seems to need to keep processing through his divorce to get to “some day,” but still, it’s okay to be ready to move forward before the other person is. you’re not “pushing” him, you’re expressing your needs.

Post # 7
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

@prshadow:  Good for you for standing up for what you want.  I think that both of your past marriages/divorces are important and you both need to respect each other’s needs and wants in a relationship.  That being said, if you are going to be very patient about waiting for you to be married, he should be patient with you WANTING to be married.  You know?  You both have to give and take a little, is what I’m trying to say.  You both might have to make little sacrifices, which is okay.  But I hope you don’t end up being the only one to sacrifice what you want.

However, it does sound like he is working on that for you, so I think he will be worth the wait.  Trust your own judgement and don’t make any rash decisions.  You sound level-headed among all this stress, so keep it up!  Don’t forget to focus on YOU!  Find a hobby, new activity, etc. to keep you happy and help take the focus off your waiting.

As far as his fear of marriage – you can’t change it…you can only work with it.

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m a little more wary than the previous bees. 

It sounds like he’s great and supportive.  While the fact that he got married because he was greedy is alarming – the fact that he recognizes and acknowledges this is positive.  I’m worried you may be too dependent on him financially, but that worry is eased partially by the fact that you do seem to be willing to walk away if this relationship doesn’t meet your needs.  I do think it is good to be clear as you have been re ownership/improvements so there is no misunderstanding.  So money is something that I think drives/motivates both of you, but you seem to have a handle on it at the moment, so just keep it in the back of your mind not to let it dominate.

He’s fearful of marriage and I don’t know that he’ll ever be ready for it.  What is the relationship status of his other friends?  If they are avowed bachelors, I would be very concerned.  If a lot of them are married, I’d be a triffle less so.  Can you talk to any of them to ask them what they really think?  Has he introduced you to anyone else as a “life partner”?  I think that once is a conversation starter and not too problematic, but multiple times would be extremely concerning.  I think you’re between a rock & a hard place.  If you let him move in, he’s likely to grow very complacent and not see any need/reason for marriage.  If you don’t let him move in, he’s likely to see that as pushing for marriage before he’s ready (and I suspect he needs you two to live together before he’ll be ready to get married).  I don’t see any easy way around this.  I would probably suggest holding off on moving in for a while, perhaps six months.  I’d also have some more conversations with him about why he isn’t ready and when he’ll know. 

Post # 9
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m with kay.  At this point, if he doesn’t want it, why would you push him into marriage?  Is there something that you feel is not being addressed in the relationship other than being married?  It seems like you are happy otherwise.

Now that you’ve had the talk, giving him more time would probably be the most fair thing to do.

Post # 10
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

A little confusing for me…..he admits he wrongly got into a marriage, got pushed into it, yet states greed got the best of him….so he knows he was in the wrong, yet suffered a bad divorce and is using that as an excuse ?  

Waiting is heart numbing I must admit. I left my 3.5 yr relationship. I have a regret, that I didn’t listen to what he was really saying, which was nothing basically, and silence speaks volume sometimes, although that is not your case, but Id be weary of the excuse he’s using. I do went thru a terrible divorce, it bottomed me out financially and has taken me 7 yrs to even have a pot to piss in lol , and I was mentally, verbally and physically abused, but I climbed out of that eventually and trusted again and wanted marriage. Being that my ex bf could not seem to speak the truth about wht he wanted, I walked after many broken promises and a bunch of other stupid stuff – again not your situation, but he had 101 excuses and I waited as long as I could and when marriage became vitally important to me and I knew it was not going to happen, I walked. It hurts, it’s a pain to start over or even want too, but the one thing I learned this time around, is to listen the first time what is being said, what he tells his friends is the truth, what he told me was not. 

I think you got a great relationship going on, but I also think he’s skirting around the truth. If he moves in based n a promise and it never happens, is it not only going to be that much harder to end it ? I would put my foot down and say, I need something more than some day, a ring, a necklace, some type of promise. If that would do it for you, it could be pretty simple, but I’d also mention to him his admitting greed got into the first mess, so he needs to stop applying that to the current relationship. 

Post # 12
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

Well – it is quite clear.

He does not want to marry you and he will not be changing his mind on this any time soon.

Let me start off before explaining- I am an “advocate” of the waiting woman – I support all of you because I know how hard it is- but also at the same time, I am going to be honest.

You have a GREAT relationship HOWEVER you are dependent upon him. He is doing for you as a person who loves and cares for you but he does NOT want that in a marriage. Things are good like this because at any point and time he could walk away- let’s be honest here- he is giving MORE to you than you are to him.

Men don’t think like us- they don’t think “I love this person, I want to marry her”. They think logically- if I marry her, what am I going to get (besides a lovely partner)?

Some get the status, some get the green light to move in together, some get to have kids, some feel as if they achieved something, some are ready because they have never been married before and it is time, some fit in with the rest of their married or engaged friends, etc.

My theory on it all is a man commits marriage for another reason BESIDES loving the woman he is with. Almost as if they see marriage being a logical next step. Your guy doesn’t have that, that is why he is saying he “doesn’t know” and the “if”.

If I were in your shoes- I wouldn’t let him move in… number one. In my experience, moving in with the partner intensifies the waiting feelings, especially if you don’t know what you are waiting for (such as money or promotion, etc). Moving in can also be used as an incentive for getting engaged. HOWEVER, in your case, since you are dependent on him, the first step would be severing that dependence. Figure out a way to become self sufficient and not need his money. That could keep you busy for a while to “wait” and it will give him another incentive to getting engaged because you are now bringing as much as, if not more, to the table.

I am rooting for you- good luck!

Post # 14
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What is the driving force behind wanting to get married to your love.  Is it because its been 2.5 yrs?  You want to have kids soon?  You just want to be married.  Decide what is the driving factor and then decide if you want to continue w/ this relationship.  I ended 2 serious relationships cause of the kid factor.  It was painful but now I found my Love who is the guy for me.

My story: I’ve seriously dated 2 men who were divorced and I vowed never again.(My Fiance never has been married and no kids)  My experience is they need a good 5-8yrs to realize that they benefit greatly from being married.  Great guys(still social friends w/ one) but divorce leave men raw and commitment phobic.

I have several gf who are married or divorced who agree that marriage is a one time event.   And we’re in our early 40s.  So, I can understand your SO is.  Love is one thang and being legal is another.  But if you’re not that mindset, it may be time to leave.

Take time and really think about what you want and need. 

Good Luck!!!! 

Post # 15
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Well they are some people who are childless, who are financially independent and want marriage because it is about love and companionship. When two people are not living together after a yr or two, it gets a little unsettling that you go to sleep and wake up alone, when what you desire is to spend your time together, even if that means sleeping next to each other, a simple good morning, someone to come home to – to share your day, a moment with, dinner. I guess if love alone is motivation, reason, than thats what your reason is. 

Personally, i never need another piece of paper to commit with a man, would be happy to live with them as long as there was some symbol of that commitment with a ring, not necessarily an e ring either, could even be a special necklace. Marriage is show, a piece of paper, and it entitles you to some health benefits in some states, and some money if the marriage should fail. So with that said, I agree in a way that if things are working there is not point in breaking them. But at the same time, marriage seems to be the only answer for you so you , or he needs to get pass his past and move on. Once he lets go of it, all will or should come to fruition . Maybe once you stop accepting his excuse of this bad divorce issue he will stop using it. 

 

Post # 16
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

Well I didn’t mean to offend you and yes we can disagree. From what you wrote it seems that you need him more than the other way around and if he is seeing it like that then that is a fuel as to why he isn’t ready. For example, I saw bankruptcy mentioned. My personal opinion, bankruptcy and marriage don’t mix end if he is aware of your financial circumstances then that may be a huge concern to him. Regardless of what you would like to believe, marriage is a business contract. If the contract ends, you can sue for it which is why women get alimony and half of items obtained even if they never worked during the marriage. Men see marriage more than just “I love her” because if it were only that many of us wouldn’t have to wait years to be engaged. I am glad you are taking the steps to get yourself together. I know you bring stuff to the table, I am just saying he might not see it as equal. If my guy was having credit/ financial issues, that would be something I would want him to take care of before we had discussions on marriage. From the little you mention, I completely see why his answer is “I don’t know”. Love doesn’t solve all problems so a marriage won’t either.

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