(Closed) in the BAD stage – had the marriage talk. Need support/advice. LONG post.

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You guys sound like in every other way you have a wonderful, supportive, loving relationship and i think thats something to keep in the front of our minds. I agree with most of the Bees  that this guy needs more time. I can completely see where you are coming from and am not saying that your position isnt justified, however you said

‘This morning:  Said these exact words:  “yes, if we stay together and keep getting along like this then I do see us ending up in marriage.” But I’m not there yet.’ Kind of a half ass response.’ – i think this is a little harsh, perhaps he is just trying to tell you how he feels. If he feels that his opinion isn’t considered, he’s more likely to feel you are forcing him into making a decision he’s not ready to make. And, given the history you have explained and his regret that he let his ex-wife do the very same thing, you will most likely lose what is otherwise a wonderful relationship and by his own admission will most likely end up a wonderful marriage.

I honestly think giving him a timeline would be a massive mistake, even though i realise you are frustrated – even telling him you wont move in with him before he agrees to marry you is putting massive pressure on the guy to propose. It would surely be better to deal with frustration now then marry someone who isn’t ready to make the same commitment, or worse lose that person because they feel pressured and that they aren’t able to make the decision in their own time.

I really hope everything works out!! I hope i haven’t sounded too harsh!

Post # 18
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@prshadow: Have you considered asking him to go to counseling to talk about these things? It sounds like neither one of you want it to end, perhaps talking to a third party will help.

Post # 19
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

“yes, if we stay together and keep getting along like this then I do see us ending up in marriage.”

This phase is exactly what I could see my husband saying about us a few years ago.

He was married previously and it ended badly, we got along great did at lot of weekends at each other’s houses, merged our many pets so that they all got along great, went of trips together, but remained in our separate houses for 5 years.  

At times I was very sad at the idea that he wasn’t ready to commit to me, but he showed lots of other signs of his commitment to the relationship and in that sense I felt secure.  Once in awhile I would point out- I am not your wife or your mother, do not expect me to come get your house ready for company etc unless you ask me for help, and he knew that moving in together was not an option with me without a ring.  When I would get frustrated I would think about it and *I* decided that even if we didn’t progress from that point, I still wasn’t going to leave him.  He was a wonderful guy, and he made me feel loved and most of the time happy.

Eventually he started making comments on his own about if we live together, when we live together, etc.  I noticed but said nothing about it.  A few months later he surprized me with a ring.  He was sure and he was ready, but it took him a long time to get there.  

So I guess my advice is to hang in there.  It sounds like you have a good guy.  It sounds like he is trying very hard to be honest with you.  I think it is easier to keep things separate houshold-wise until he is ready for marriage, but that is your call.

Hunting is a big thing with him and he kept checking that he would still be “allowed” to go after we were married.  Come to find out some of his friends had to cut their hunting time back to a small fraction after they got married and that scared him.  I understand how improtant it is him and would never want to take that away from him.

It is easy to say, if he was going to he’d be ready by now, but it doesn’t work that way for some people.  My guy is cautious, everything he does is thought about in terms of it’s longterm effects.  I think he was afraid I would change, or he would and he needed to know that I was going to weather the tough stuff with him (even though there was plenty of that early on in the relationship.)  

Post # 20
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I broke up last week because after 18 months, he still didn’t know if he wanted me forever.  I decided I deserve someone who is falling over himself making sure he gets me before someone else does.  He is the very guy who would “surrender” to marriage just to make me happy.  I am better than that!

I am absolutely miserable without him.  But there is a tiny part of me that is proud that I love myself enough to want more out of life.  I will never allow myself to be in this kind of situation again.  The only thing that’s keeping me sane are self-help books.  The book I’m on now is the book “Why Men Love Bitches”.  I have to reinvent the way I think.  I also listen to lots of music.  Some inspirational stuff.  Right now I am listening to “Beautiful” by Carole King.  I will put in the link for you 🙂

I want to call my ex and scream at him for not seeing my worth, and for not wanting me enough to put a ring on it.  HE NEVER FOUGHT BACK TO KEEP ME IN HIS LIFE WHEN I LEFT HIM.  I am seeing that he wanted out, but he was too “nice” to let me go.  So I had to be the nasty bitch and leave HIM instead.  He would have strung me on forever.

I hope this helps.  You are not alone in this.  And you do deserve someone who is working hard to make sure he has you forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJn3QJYYBr0&feature=related

 

Post # 21
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

First off, hugs! This part SUCKS.

 

He does sound like a good guy and worth waiting for. (Queue the Mulan music, er that was a girl worth fighting for wasn’t it?) Anyways my quick advice is wait until you can’t wait any longer, let him know how you feel straight up. Tell him you have til such and such time (for me it was our 4th anniversary) or there will be major changes, possibly even moving on. Good Luck!

Post # 26
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

he sounds like a major commitment-phobe and although you do have a great relationship, how will you ever be sure he will propose on his own instead of feeling pressure because he doesnt want to leave you? dont let him string you along on this serious long term relationship, only to have your heart broken. be careful with this one, it sounds like a dream riding on a bumpy road…

Post # 27
Member
4886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wish you the best of luck and hope it turns out exactly as you hope, however I would hold off on any more wedding talks/plans/details until you get your real, legit proposal.  You’re already talking about details like food and floral, but this situation still sounds really rocky.  One minute you’re telling him to leave, the next you’re setting a date?  Seems just a little too unstable to me. 

But that’s just me!  Like I said, hope it works out 🙂

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