In the “No Contact” stage of breakup…. advice…

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2466 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

It’ll take a couple of months at least to feel like you don’t need him. Don’t beat yourself up over feeling the way you do and seeking validation from him. It’s normal. Try to keep busy with hobbies, friends, the gym, READING! Get some good books that will engross you. 

Post # 3
Hostess
11431 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

anonbee299 :  it’s been my experience that people who get why something ended enough to apologize for it are not the people we break up with. We break up with people who won’t work on things, who don’t see the problem, or who don’t care enough to bother.

the break up behavior tells you/reminds you why you broke up with him.  You feel disregarded and forgotten. That’s part of why you broke up with him- because he lied to you and made you feel bad. 

So when you feel those feelings, remind yourself that you’re going to hold out for someone who doesn’t let you feel forgotten as an overarching feeling. Sure, no one is perfect, but the takeaway feeling should never be that you feel worse because someone is in your life. 

You’re going to hold out for someone who makes you feel cherished and special and never forgotten. You deserve it. 

Post # 4
Member
5716 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

You might never get that moment of validation and that may actually be a good thing. I’ll share my story:

I was still in love with my ex when I broke up with him (our relationship was heading nowhere and it was a long time coming, really he was just too cowardly to break up with me so I ended up having to pull the trigger) and was not as strong as you and didn’t cut off contact. We had dated off and on for 5 years and I was weak. I should have but I think a big part of it was I was waiting to hear that he missed me and wanted me back. Even after I moved to a different state, I was still waiting. Well…over a year later I got my “validation.” It was via email and he basically said he messed up and always thought about me and still loved me. He sent this email after I had finally decided to cut off all contact and he became engaged to someone else. I was furious! I never responded but that email totally messed with my head. I’d read it like 10 times a day and just cry. And of course he sent it right as I was finally feeling able to move on. It’s like guys have a sixth sense about those things. 

Point is… I wish he had never sent that email. It pushed back my recovery from the breakup by months! So yes, he finally said what I had wanted to hear, but it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact it made me feel worse. 

Post # 5
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I have been there! We all have. Try the book “It’s called a break up because it’s broken.” Life changing stuff!

Post # 7
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

In my experience, men take longer to figure out their emotions. While you’re drowning in sorrow now, he’s probably distracting himself with numerous things to keep his mind off you and his feelings. In a few weeks, he’ll start to realize what he’s lost, and then you may hear from him. My best friend is going through a divorce and experiencing this now. She gave her ex so much time to come around, but it wasn’t until weeks after she filed for divorce that he finally started contacting her, begging for her back. 

If and when this happens, hold strong. Do not agree to talk or to see each other. It will only make it that much harder for you to get over. 

Going no contact sucks. It’s really a testiment of willpower. But it works for a reason. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
8764 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Honestly.. eventually you just realize what an asshole he was and start to question what you saw in him. Like I know you know he is, since you left him, but always for me it’s another few months of no longer seeing/hearing from an ex that I start to truly understand just how much I really never want to talk to them again.  You also eventually understand that any apology would be hollow and self-serving and would just be engineered to make you feel terrible/guilty.

I am a fan of having casual sex with someone new as a way to help get an ex out of my system. Just putting that out there.  It’s very healing to be reminded that you are desirable.. and that you can orgasm with someone else.

Post # 9
Member
4070 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

At least a year for me.  Every decision I made after breaking up with my ex was done with him in mind.  When I found out he made his new girlfriend pregnant (together a few weeks) I still didn’t move on.  In fact it was only when he married her for visa reasons I finally asked myself “why do I even care” and finally allowed myself to move on.  Don’t get me wrong, if I think about it I am still pissed about not getting proper closure and that it dragged on for about 8 months longer than it should but that’s a personal regret more than anything.  It doesn’t bother me day to day.  

Post # 10
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee

Delete him from your phone and other social media.  Even if you have the number memorized, you will likely forget it before too long.  Delete your text history, too.  No contact is easier when there are barriers to making contact.

Post # 11
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper

BalletParker :  “it’s been my experience that people who get why something ended enough to apologize for it are not the people we break up with. We break up with people who won’t work on things, who don’t see the problem, or who don’t care enough to bother.”

Yesss…spot on! 

Post # 12
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

anonbee299 :  Guys are idiots sometimes and they do miss you, they’re just real shitty at showing it. My thinking is that it’s an ego thing. I broke up with my ex that I was with for five years back in September and I def. felt the same way you are feeling now but it passed in probably 2.5-3 months time. I cried a lot during a whole weekend, and got it all out of my system. Then I went on some dates and realized it was kinda fun being single. I also kept a piece of paper where I had written down all the nasty things he thought or said about me (and my parents) and when I had a moment of weakness of missing him, I would pull out that paper and be like THAT’S WHY I’M NOT WITH HIM.. FOCUS! Then I’d go back to having fun with friends or whatever. It also helped being around my good friends and my parents. I was living with my parents for a bit so it was nice to just be home and spend time with my mom and step dad but then they drove me crazy haha so I moved in with my best friends who own a house and it’s awesome. Like think about not having to share your bed and being able to just take over the whole thing!! Also, volunteer somewhere, that made me feel better too knowing I can help a homeless animal (or whatever cause you like). Just basically staying busy helps you get them off your mind. Go to the gym, get used to a new routine. That’s really what it is when you “miss” someone, you don’t miss them per say, you miss the routine of them BEING there with you.

Remember, you broke it off for a reason and he isn’t worth your brain power crying or feeling like poop.

Post # 14
Member
8591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

The men we dump rarely ever realize they were in the wrong in the first place. Don’t hold your breath for tearful apologies. 

My ex never reached out UNTIL I started dating my now husband. He didn’t reach out because he knew he screwed up (actually him reaching out confirmed to me dumping him was right as I had dumped him over cheating and he reached out to me while dating someone else) he reached out to me just because he didn’t want me to move on from him and I guess he thought maybe hearing from him would get me to dump my husband and keep waiting in the wings as his back up plan. It was a manipulative power play.

Post # 15
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee

I dealt with the ex not going away… so be blessed. Like calling me from all sorts of numbers… showing up to my apartment at all hours crying…

Had to move… change number.. block on facebook… he got mad and started slandering me..

Even a year and half later he was trying to get back in touch. I am postive he STILL stalks my sites and accounts 3-4 years later.

I would say work on pampering yourself and taking care of yourself. I had my own place and was alone with my dog by choice. I made myself really nice dinners… meanwhile somehow losing a bunch of weight with no effort (blame the ex for weight gain!). I spent hours at the pool with wine… went out with friends regularly or had friends over for drinks and tv/dinner etc. Relaxed on my balcony with music and wine… I smoked my hookahs alone too (no drugs ofcourse). Got promoted at work. etc etc. Just didn’t have time to care about getting contact… I was more scared and glad when he DIDN’T reach out. 

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