(Closed) In the wake of an Ultimatum…

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Usually I’m annoyed when people talk about timelines and ultimatums but in your case I completely understand where you’re coming from. Especially when he’s said he can’t wait to marry you several times. It’s odd that he keeps dragging his feet and it sounds like it’s time for him to “shit or get off the pot”. I hope he comes through for you by the end of the year. You said you would understand him wanting to wait a little longer so I don’t feel as if you are doing this because you want to be married more than you want to be with him. I do disagree with a pp stating that if he hasn’t proposed by now, he never will. It took 6.5 years for my Fiance to propose and it seems to be actually pretty common. Best wishes bee!

Post # 32
3462 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. It sounds like you’ve communicated your wants and needs to your SO well and you’re just waiting for him to decide what comes next. Could it be the wedding thing scares him? Some bee’s SO’s want to get married, but the wedding terrfies them. Do you think that could be an issue at all? I know you said he talked about what your wedding would be like, but you never know. I hope he asks soon! Being in limbo is awful.

Post # 33
2083 posts
Buzzing bee

The relationship isn’t perfect if you don’t want the same things.  Further, my experience is clouded by my own experience.  I did the sad, not good enough, depressed thing and then gave up and said its okay if we don’t get married, we bought a house together, spent a decade together until finally he up and left me, told me that he didn’t want to marry ME.  I always knew there was no big fundamental issue he had with marriage because he always said “one day”.  If he just can’t ever get THERE with you then its so sad to say you just might not be the one and its hard for either person to face that. 

I’m so glad my ex did because two years later I’m engaged to the real love of my life.  Things I thought might slow down a proposal (other people’s weddings and proposals, holidays, finances) none of that mattered.  He wanted to marry me so we’re going to get married! 

I’m just offering my own experiences though, there are certainly tons of stories that go the other way where a couple was happily married after 5, 6, 10 years of waiting.

Post # 34
51 posts
Worker bee

I sympathize. I think that you are a woman in an extremely difficult situation and as much as I have always felt but learned the hard way that Ultimatums take away a grain of satisfaction in whatever it is you get as a result of them – I understand why you made it. People on here are asking if you will follow through- you are not at that point in the road yet to know the answer- in my opinion.

I was in your shoes once and I am sharing this experience for the first time becuase it took me so long to get up to it, through it, over it and forget it. I do hope in your case that you take something out of my experience and I wish you nothing but the best on your difficult but important personal journey. 

So basically, I met him when I was 17 (he was 4 years my senior) and we dated and dated and dated some more. I was always very open about wanting to be a young mom and starting a family and that I was not a believer in long dating relationships. I also did not believe in long engagements. He would express to me how he wanted to be married in his early 20’s, how he had all these plans. His father was married with a child at 25 and he idolized his father, etc, etc.

Fast forward 5 years – he decides that he wants to go to medical school – ok no problem. Its long distance but we can make it work. The next two years were hell on earth. Me sitting home crying and him away in medical school. Everytime he would come home his mother had a parade of things she had to do that second or the earth would shatter, so for two years, we spent a collective week of time maybe alone together. Fast forward to year 7, Im pushing 25. He is nowhere near done with med school, keeps going back and forth on what he wants to do. Ive already missed my train on the whole “young” mom thing. He tells me one day before his visit he has a surprise for me. Im thinking, Ive been loyal, Ive been waiting, what else could it be. At the end of his visit, he didnt even so much as endeavor to take me out to dinner let alone propose, the surprise was that there was no surprise. He would tell me a year later that he atually meant to but his mom said it was a bad time. A few months later, during the winter visit. One day, my parents are acting funny in the evening but its like 10 pm – I think they are just tired or something. He shows up with his family and his mom proposes to me. Yes you read that correctly. 

There was an engagement party 3 days later that I was not given time to prep for or invite anyone or anything (people had to scramble to come at all)  but I kept thinking this is what I wanted. He finally wants to marry me. He barely looked at me the whole night.  Subsequent romantic dates were cold and distant. The wedding planning was a FIASCO.

Three months before the wedding, I stopped eating and sleeping and overall felt like cr$%$#% all of the time. I  called off the wedding and spent the next 2 years trying to figure out where were the pieces of my life that would make me be able to move and live again.  He was engaged 4 months after we broke off our 8 year relationship. 

I met the love of MY life at 27 years old and I am grateful to the other one for the experience, for the strength it taught me. He was ready to marry, just not me apparently. It was a blessing. I have learned that had I not gone through what I had, I would not be blessed with the appreciation and  with the kind of relationship I have with my Fiance and he is truly a blessing. I will become a wife at 28 years old, not 24 like I planned, but the man at the end of this long tunnel made all the waiting worth it.

My point, do not be scared of that ticking sound as we get closer to December and your deadline. Allow yourself to be swept by the tides so to speak – you will reach a point, everyone does- when it will become clear to you what to do. And you will fear it and worry about your decision (whatever it is) and question it – but there will come a point where you simply will have to make a decision becuase your entire being yearns for clarity. Then you will see – one way or the other.

Post # 35
1272 posts
Bumble bee

samanthamae:  I know the feeling. I lost a friend from high school when she was in a car crash a couple of years ago, and she was even younger than me. I prefer to respect my mortality and try to live with no regrets. I feel like a guy should know by three years, but that is my personal timeline.

Post # 36
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Please don’t listen to people who try to make you feel guilty for telling you SO where you stand – and being honest with him. Give him until Dec. If he doesn’t propose, leave. Seriously, just go or you will be waiting forever for something that probably won’t happen. And he doesn’t need more time. He’s had plenty.

Post # 37
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t have much advice to give expect I would have never given an ultimatium. I love my husband too much, and if he was dragging his feet it’s because he isn’t ready.

My SIL gave her husband an ulitmatium. They got married, had a beautiful wedding and a child and got divorced a year later. In the end, he said he did it to get her off his back. You don’t want that weight on your shoulders.

Post # 38
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

samanthamae:  What you did is NOT an “ultimatum”, you told him what YOUR boundaries are and YOUR plans and what he chooses to do or not do is HIS decision.  I applaud you so many women are doormats and waste so many years. Come December if he still claims he needs more time, I would definitely not give it to him, it would likely be pointless, 7 years is a loong time to still be “dating”,  it’s doubtful most women (IRL, the Bee seems to be the exception!)would have waited so long. It will take time to meet someone else and get to the point of marriage and babies. I hope it works out for you!

Post # 39
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I would definitely bring up the topic of a proposal again at this point. I’ve learned that men tend to need lots of reminders, and if he is going to hit that end-of-the-year target, he’s going to need to start ring-shopping now. He also might think that since you haven’t mentioned it in a while, your ultimatum no longer stands.

Chin up, bee. My mom ultimatum’d my dad, and they’ve been together happily over 40 years. Some guys just need a kick in the ass.

Post # 40
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

SoonMrsCrocker2:  I completely agree. 

OP, you did a great thing by telling your boyfriend what you want and need. It was the right thing to do. 

If I were you, I wouldn’t waste anymore time with him. If he doesn’t propose by or in December, dump him. If he says he needs more time, dump him. If he says he wants to marry you, but seems unsure, like he’s lying, or like he’s proposing just to make you happy or shut you up, dump him. It has been seven years — seven. You’ve given him more than enough time to find out what he wants.  

Don’t feel bad for telling him what you told him, or like you should have just waited until he made a decision. We are human; we have a finite amount of time on this earth to do what we want to do. You want marriage and that’s what you should have. Time spent waiting on him while he hems and haws is time wasted. 

ETA: I don’t think you should mention the December “deadline” again, like some have suggested. It’s not going to slip his mind. If he wants to marry you he’ll do this on his own without you saying another word about it.

Post # 43
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I gave myself a timeline in my head. I decided if after 5 years he wasn’t ready to marry me I would move on. For me it’s important to make that commitment. My Fiance did not know I had this timeline in my head but was well aware that I wanted to get married. He told me that it would happen to just be patient. I actually sort of gave up for a while. I realized that I probably wouldn’t walk at five years and that maybe this would be it. We would be together but never get married. I was sad about it but but coming to terms with it so I stopped talking about getting married. I didn’t mention it at all. This turned into him asking me quite a few times why I never mentioned it anymore. I told him that there was no point in talking about it. If he wants to marry me then he can but if not, I’m not going anywhere. He ended up propsing a couple months after this happened. I was completely caught offguard and had no idea he had been planning this.

I think a lot of guys feel pressured if you bring it up too much. I would give him a little more time, don’t bring it up for a while and think long and hard about if you want to walk. I’ve seen a lot of bees mention that after they stopped bringing it up their SO proposed.

Post # 44
5846 posts
Bee Keeper

SoonMrsCrocker2:  “What you did is NOT an “ultimatum”, you told him what YOUR boundaries are and YOUR plans and what he chooses to do or not do is HIS decision” Exactly. It’s her life too and couples should be able to discuss anything. 

Post # 45
112 posts
Blushing bee

I’ll throw my 2 cents in here and agree with the PPs who said you didn’t give him an ultimatum. You set firm, and imo reasonable expectations in terms of what you need out of this relationship.  You’ve been together over 7 years and because of the love and respect you have for him and the relationship, you were conscious of his feelings and gave him another year to catch up to the place where you’re at. I’m sorry that he seems to be procrastinating and I’m completely sympathetic to the ticking clock both biologically and in terms of the timeline you provided.  My SO and I are also 28 and have a timeline for engagement by the end of 2015 (and no he hasn’t given so much as a hint except saving money that any of this is going to go the way I hope it does).  I’m in agreement with you that if the end of the year comes and goes and there’s no engagement or mention of that happening, I will also be having a serious discussion as to why that is and what our next steps will be.  ((Hugs)) 

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