- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2016
I feel like I am at a cross road in my relationship with my fiancé. He has an ex that he has a sordid past with. He claims that when they were seeing each other over 20 years ago, they were both running the streets and were looking out for each other. He has considered her one of his best friends over the years and feels he owes her for everything they went through during their hustling days. Had that been the situation, no problem. I’ve known him over 20 years as well (first love as a matter of fact) and I know the kind of trouble he used to get into back in the day.
The issue started when he and I reconnected and started a new relationship last year. I saw her posting multiple funny memes on not only her FB page but also on his about being best friends and calling him boo and how important he was to her because he knew her so well and he laughing in return about how great of a best friend she was of his and how great it is when someone knows you so well, etc. Considering that she is married and he was now in a serious relationship with me at the time, I felt both of their actions were inappropriate and I told him so. I told him that the context of their postings gave me pause for concern and that the only man she should be considering her best friend should be her husband and the same goes for him and me. I told him it made me uncomfortable, that although I trusted his innocence in the response, I didn’t trust her intentions and that it needed to stop. He told me it wasn’t serious but that it would stop. The FB posts stopped. However, I noticed that she would continue to call or text him about the ongoing issues she had with her physically abusive husband.
There was one incident where I was posting a gratitude post on his FB page and she commented on it about how lucky he is to be with a woman like me, etc. He scolded her for doing that and her post was deleted. He said something about her doing that was to use that as an opportunity to put my concerns to rest about any inappropriate intentions she might have towards him but that he considered it disrespectful of her to interfere in something I was trying to do for him. I was a little puzzled by his response but I didn’t give it much thought at the time.
A month later, he and I got engaged and when we posted the announcement online, she liked it. Unbeknownst to me until recently, she then approached my fiancé’ and told him she still harbored feelings for him. He let her know that he had chosen me, loved me but that they could stay friends.
Over the last 6 months, they have texted on and off and he has continued to like her selfie pictures on FB. I noticed in one text that she called him Boo and I told him that I didn’t like it, it was inappropriate for a married woman to be communicating with anyone other than her husband like that and he insisted it was innocent, that she called everyone Boo. I told him that he was enabling an emotional affair by allowing her to lean on him about her troubled marriage. Again he insisted that it was nothing for me to worry about. Because I trusted him and knew he loved me (not to mention there is a 3000 mile distance between them), I let it go.
Everything blew up this week when I had to borrow his phone because my phone had died and I had to return a call quickly. During my conversation, a message from his FB messenger came in from her. It was a kissy face emoji. Naturally, red flags immediately went up so I checked everything in his phone and FB. I found messages to him from her about how she is constantly thinking about him and missing him, there was a picture of her cleavage that upon confronting her, she insisted was a joke. There was no record of any response from him for any of the messages she sent. There was also a record of a Skype call two weeks prior that lasted for an hour, and when I checked his text messages against the phone bill, it showed sporadic text messages but all their text messages had been erased from his phone. His FB conversations didn’t go back that far and there were a lot of gaps in the FB messenger conversation thread which leads me to believe that he deleted his conversations there too.
When I confronted him, he said:
1. He deleted text messages all the time and that if he was trying to hide things from me, he would have deleted his FB messenger conversations as well,
2. That she wasn’t the reason he created the Skype account (though there is no record of him using it for anyone else) and that he wasn’t trying to hide anything from me.
It was at this point that he disclosed to me that she approached him about her feelings towards him after we got engaged and that she was not the only person that approached him after learning of our engagement. I was especially upset to find out that he was still FB friends with these other individuals. He acknowledged that he should have listened to me about her being inappropriate and ended the friendship but that the majority of their conversations were about her crying to him about her troubled marriage and him telling her to leave her marriage.
I sent her a message and told her I didn’t appreciate the inappropriate context of her messages and that she should cease all contact with him and that if she chose to contact him again, that I would forward all her messages to her husband myself. I told my fiancé that he should tell me if he hears from her again. The following morning, I checked our phone logs online and saw she had sent him a text message. I waited all day for him to tell me. He didn’t tell me until the following day when I questioned him about it. He showed it to me and showed he didn’t respond to her. His excuse for not telling me sooner was because he figured it was best to wait to tell me since we had some other external family issues going on the night before. I still feel that he had all day to tell me and not telling me earlier because of the family matter that occurred AFTER receiving the text is just a cop-out.
I feel that by his maintaining ANY kind of relationship/friendship, online or other, with anyone that would disrespect our relationship and approach him with advances is disrespectful of not only that female but also of him to entertain. I feel his actions have been disloyal and although I WANT to believe him when he says he wasn’t trying to hide anything from me, my gut won’t let me. I feel like his continued interaction with someone who has point blank said they still have feelings for him while they are married to someone else, he has disrespected our relationship and risked our future in addition to disrespecting her marriage and enabled an emotional affair, whether it was one sided or not. I feel like a fool who has been lied to and played with and given my history with infidelity (I divorced my last husband for infidelity), I am questioning whether to go through with this marriage now.
My fiancé has been very remorseful and aside from this happening, he has been amazing to me and my kids. He was my rock throughout my divorce and until this happened, I considered him my ride or die. He has been my best friend. Although he promises that this kind of thing will never happen again, I can’t ignore the fact that I have doubts that I didn’t have before. Trust has been broken and I don’t know if I have the strength left in me to rebuild that trust and work this out. I don’t doubt his love for me but I don’t want to keep getting played for a fool. Aside from this, we’ve had a great relationship and there is a part of me that still wants to marry him. Hence, I am at a crossroads and could use words of support and guidance.