(Closed) Inapproriate relationship between fiance' and his ex

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

weddingbird2016:  I doubt that after 20 years he’s going to change. I think you’re right to be skeptical. I think it was pointless for you to approach her about it, this should all be his decision. But it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too, which is why you asking him to take care of it didn’t work. Are you ok wondering if you’re the most important woman in his life? Because it seems like this is how you’re married life will be spent. Doesn’t sound fun to me.

Post # 3
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

Do you want to be constantly worrying about what he’s doing or who he’s talking to? I would not want that to be my life. 

Post # 4
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 

weddingbird2016:   reposted – having trouble with the link

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  Astra. Reason: typo on link
Post # 5
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 

weddingbird2016:   You might want to lurk or join the web site http://www.survivinginfidelity.com – you may know about it given your history.  There is some great advice on the site.   Personally I think he has blown it – he shouldn’t have to be told how to behave, especially knowing what you already endured and your divorce.

*hugs*

Post # 6
Member
896 posts
Busy bee

I am so so sorry. This would NOT fly with me, and if it continues I would break it off. I wouldnt be able to handle that. 

Post # 7
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

weddingbird2016:  If he was the rock through your divorce, hopefully he is not being the same to this girl now? I would be a little concerned. It sounds sketchy and I would not be comfortable with the situation.

Post # 8
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think he’s full of shit and enjoys the attention from her. I wouldn’t trust him. How is it going to feel to have checking his messages and phone bill part of your regular routine? 

I would give him 30 days (and don’t tell him that) before you decide. One more strike he’s out- definitely tell him that. 

I bet the next excuse will be he feels bad because she’s being abused… Not valid. Her family and girlfriends can help her with that- she’s just using it to tug on his heart strings (he’s 3000 miles, how could he help anyway?).

Post # 9
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

weddingbird2016:  Gotta admit, at first I thought you were cray cray & psycho controlling. But then I read the bit about your divorce, it’s more understandable that you’re paranoid about this stuff. And what happened with the best friend is pretty damn shady. I don’t mind the fb posts, but a “best friend” wouldn’t have admitted feelings for him after his engagement announcement! Wtf? Was she hoping he’d leave you for her? And he shouldn’t have maintained contact with her after that — it’s cruel to her and disrespectful to you. 

I think you should tell him you’re ready to walk, he’s really blown it, but give him one more chance. Lay down whatever requirements you need to start rebuilding trust (which should include cutting contact with the girl & blocking her number & FB etc., at least temporarily, and the “others” who confessed feelings).

How long does he owe her for what happened 20 years ago?! And does she not have anyone else to help her out of her abusive marriage? Maybe send her some info on women’s shelters as a goodbye note. 

Post # 10
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Geez I hate these posts because I went through something similar with my current SO and his “supposed female BFF”.  In order for us to have moved forward which we did, he had to cut off contact with her.  I would maybe only give him one more chance, and I for sure wouldn’t marry him until he cleaned up his act.  I will also admit i thought you were crazy at first too lol. But no, you are not crazy and I would be at the same crossroads as you if faced with this issue.

Post # 12
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

weddingbird2016:  That’s really tough. His own history with infidelity makes this even worse. I think the tricksiest part is that his actions seem to be in a gray area — to me it doesn’t seem crystal clear that he did in fact break the sanctity of your relationship. But of course that’s down to you to decide. From an outsider’s perspective, it looks like he clearly did some wrong, but from what you’ve posted alone that wouldn’t be enough for me to break up…I would still think there’s something to salvage. But you’re on the inside so if you feel he can’t be trusted any longer then that’s that, seems like you only have one choice. Maybe think on it for a week or so before you make any final decision. Good luck. 

Post # 13
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Aah this post makes me really sad because I know all too well just how you feel. I’ve been in your shoes before (rather recently) and it really hurts. You’re not crazy or unreasonable, you’re right to feel the way that you do about this.

You get to lay down the law here. Being friends with the opposite sex is great when you really are nothing more than friends. The constant communications, the cleavage photo, the kissy face, and especially the declaration of her feelings are all massively inappropriate. Their relationship has already crossed a boundary and this woman has no respect or regard for your feelings at all. This is something that not only you should have a problem with, but your fiance too.

More than all of that, he’s broken your trust and hurt your feelings. He’s a bit of an ass for doing that to you.

I don’t think you’d be doing anything wrong by asking him to cease contact with her altogether. Be clear to him that your intention is not to destroy friendships, but rather to save your own relationship. The pair of you need to put each other first. You both need to work on building your trust and maximising your respect for one another, becuase you’re both lacking it and for different reasons.

Get him to call it a day with this woman. If he will not give up communicating with her, then I think you may have to think about doing something a lot more drastic like walking away. You cannot live like this. I don’t think it’ll come to that though, if he really is remorseful and the relationship you have otherwise really is as great as you say, then he’ll know what to do for the best.

Post # 14
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I ended a 15 year friendship about six months into my relationship with my current husband because this friend had consistently expressed feelings for me, and didn’t respect the fact that it was inappropriate to do so while I was in a serious relationship. It sounds pretty shitty to cut things off with a friend of 15 years for a boyfriend of 6 months, but I was very serious about him (we ended up getting married, after all), and I knew if the tables were turned, him having a friend like that would keep me from wanting to get invested. Besides that, he had substance abuse problems that he was unwilling to get help for, and used that to manipulate me into maintaining a close friendship; sound familiar? Now, I’m not saying your fiance’s friend’s abusive husband is the same as an addiction, but after years of not taking his advice, it sounds like she may know he isn’t in a position to help her, but still uses her situation as a reason to guilt him into not cutting contact. 

Your fiance should want to end this friendship out of respect for you, his future wife. You shouldn’t have to convince him it’s inappropriate; he should know that and be able to use his own judgement to figure that out. 

Post # 15
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

I have a male best friend and my SO knows him well and has been becoming better friends with him throughout our relationship, because that’s very important to me.  My best friend and I have long conversations on the phone, but I would never hide them or delete text messages.  We also don’t send each other kissy faces or inappropriate photos.  I think it’s totally possible to have opposite-sex best friends, but it obviously doesn’t work if your “bff” secretly (or not so secretly) loves you.  Your Fiance seriously crossed a line, especially since he knew what you went through with your divorce.  I’m really sorry you have to deal with all of this. :\  

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