(Closed) Inapproriate relationship between fiance' and his ex

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Do you really want to have to trawl through all this drama after you’ve already been through a divorce? You deserve better. Better to be alone and happy than in a relationship and suspicious and lonely. Create space in your life so you can fill it with people who will respect you 

Post # 17
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

weddingbird2016:  

” I am hesitant to go through with this wedding now. He has proven that I can’t trust him to protect the sanctity of our relationship. “

 

^ your words

 

Best wishes to you, Bee.

 

Post # 18
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t be able to handle this.

I would have constant anxiety about them being in contact and once you feel like you need to check up on them you should check out of the relationship.

I’m sorry but 20 years is a long time and I doubt that pattern of behaviour is going to change.

Post # 19
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

weddingbird2016: I think if he is doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, it is wrong. Express to him how this woman is making you feel, and let him know that your feelings are justified. If he continues to do it, obviously the relationship with her, however innocent or not it is, is more important than his relationship with you. Don’t tolerate that.

Post # 20
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

He had a relationship with her, slept with her, and she has recently admitted ongoing feelings for him. No, no, and no–maintaining a friendship with these facts in place is unacceptable. It’s an emotional affair, misleading to her, and hurtful and disloyal to you. There is nothing to be gained by keeping this up. He needs to cut ties…now. If he can’t or won’t, you can be sure the real reason behind it is shady as f. Don’t drink the Kool Aid. Trust your gut.

Post # 21
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

weddingbird2016:  I’m so sorry you are going through this.  That’s really hurtful behavior.  I think you should give yourself some time to think, don’t rush into breaking up and definitely don’t rush into marrying him.  When these big emotional things come up it becomes  very difficult (physiologically even!)  for us to think reasonably / logically about what we should do and how the issues could be resolved.  Take care of yourself and give yourself some space / time to think about how you want to move forward.  big hug.

Post # 22
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry you’re going through all this but if I were you, I’d end it. You wouldn’t want your children to go through another possible divorce stemming from issues you both have.

It doesn’t matter whether or not she has feelings for your fiance. Fact is, he disrespected you by not ending it then or making it crystal clear that you are his priority in life to her. And you seem to also be very insecure about your relationshp with him. That doesn’t just go away.

Prioritize your children. Divorce is always harder for the kids regardless of their age. You can always find someone who will respect you and love you more. You shouldn’t have to work for him or nag him to be trustworthy. That’s not healthy for you and it’s not healthy for him. If you truly care about about him, you should end it while you two can still somewhat be on good terms.

Post # 23
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

He likes the attention. He’s your fiance, he should be making you feel safe at all times. Like THE LEAST thing a husband can do is make sure his woman knows she’s the only one. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage?

Sorry bee, if you guys were only  a couple of months in, then these things could happen. But you guys are getting married now. He shouldn’t be leaving doubt in your mind. Besides, you don’t know what he’s saying back to her. He must be encouraging this. Would you keep sending texts to someone with kissy faces and cleavage pictures if you never got a positive reaction?

If my fiance did this, believe me he would not have fingers left to text anyone. >:(

 

Big hugs, stay strong. You are in this with your eyes open, and what you are saying, I can only agree with. He’s leaving the door open to an (emotional) affair.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  papatya.
Post # 24
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

NOWAYY!! This guy has asked to marry you… all his loyalties should lie with you… you are his number one priority in life!!  Tell him that straight up he needs to cut this crazy a** *** out of his life completely… end of. Or your gone. Don’t put up with this crap. They dont have any kids… theres no way he should be talking to any girl let alone an ex, let alone some thot that has no respect  whatsoever to your relationship.

If hes not man enough to cut her off – leave him

Post # 25
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

From what you’ve said so far, it seems to me like it’s more like some kind of codependent thing, where it’s hard for him to say no to her, and he’s also afraid of angering you (hence him keeping silent about the text from her after you had confronted him).

I would think about going to counseling – both of you, together – to figure out what’s going on here.  You seem to really like him otherwise, and while the boundaries you are setting are the right ones to set, it would be a pity if your relationship ended because of another person’s actions (I totally get and agree that he is responsible for his actions too – I’m just saying that sometimes these things are a little more complicated)… 

Post # 26
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Wait… did I read this correctly? You said that there were A FEW women who admitted feelings for him after your engagement announcement?? I can maybe understand one random girl having unreciprocated feelings for your Fiance but if there are MULTIPLE women having feelings for him…. he’s having inappropriate interactions with far too many women, not just this one friend. No man, no matter how hot he is, just has a bunch of adult women admit romantic feelings for him after he announces his engagement unless he is encouraging inappropriate flirting behavior with them.

Post # 27
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I know that people can meet and get engaged pretty quick and works out for them but you only started a relationship with this guy last year. Maybe you’re taking it too fast by getting married. I agree with other PP, you should give yourself a timeline and if he screws up again..you have your answer and you have to stay strong. I think you should also put a hold on any type of wedding planning.

Just from this post, you said everything bad that he’s done. You didn’t justify it by saying he’s a great guy or that he loves you etc…you just said what he’s done wrong. Which means that you KNOW in your heart that this isn’t a great relationship and there are MAJOR trust issues.

 

Post # 28
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

weddingbird2016:  I think your FI’s female friend should most definitely be more respectful towards you. Her telling him of her feelings and the cleavage photo are not cool.

But I don’t think your Fiance has feelings for her. And I dont think you should keep snooping in his phone because to him, she is a longtime pal and you are being controlling.

And you don’t want to forward her messages to her husband as he is abusive! Maybe since nothing is going on your FIs part, you could both be friends with her together. She is hurting and you are with your man 3000 miles away

Post # 29
Member
4103 posts
Honey bee

OP, I can relate to some parts of your story so my heart goes out to you. 

As PPs have said, he enjoys the attention. And the fact that MORE THAN ONE woman confessed her “feelings” for him after he got engaged is a MAJOR red flag. Why would random women be confessing this? Think about it logically – obviously he is having conversations with these women as well. And the thing that pisses me off most with stories like this, is that if the tables were turned and you were the one being inappropriate, he would NOT be ok with it. Funny how people can see what others do, but have a hard time looking at themselves. I really think there’s more to this story. I’m sorry bee. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but if he had nothing to hide, why didn’t he tell you all of this? 

Post # 30
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

weddingbird2016:  Wow, sorry you’re going through this. Out of respect for you he should have been the one to end his friendship immediately after the two of you started dating.

I empathize with you as I went through a similar situation. This happened when my husband and I were still dating and had just gotten back together; he knew he wanted to marry me but there were things we needed to discuss. His ex girlfriend (who’s also married by the way) would call him 5:00 AM, leave voice messages, and when he didn’t respond she’d send several emails.  We both found out though married she still has deep feelings for him.  This was totally inappripriate so he did what he wanted and needed to do by requesting that she cease all communication with him.  The response he received from her was not the most classy but being the nice guy that he is he let it go… Why? Because he had more important people and things in his life to focus on.  

The other crazy part of this situation is that she tried to befriend me through social network; claimed she had to end her friendship with my now husband because he sent her a “very mean message” and wanted to see if I’d meet her for coffee.  I wished her all the best and asked for her to move on with her life as my husband has with his.

If your Fiance can’t respect your feelings now he won’t tomorrow, next week, next month or even 20 years from now. He’s not being transparent with you and seems to have excuses for every question you ask.  I would take the time to think long and hard about this relationship.  Don’t settle for less.

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