(Closed) Including a “mom” friend that can never participate…

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Should I keep inviting my friend even though I know she probably won’t attend and then feel crappy
    Keep inviting her. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions. : (73 votes)
    91 %
    Ignorance is bliss. Don’t even mention it to her if you think she won’t be able to attend. : (4 votes)
    5 %
    Some other awesome suggestion. : (3 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I haven’t posted in a long time, but logged in just to answer. Please do not do the ignorance is bliss thing. I’m over 7 months pregnant, and have been excluded from a LOT of things my friends assume I can’t/don’t want to go to. Yes, pregnancy is different than having two little ones at home, but it is so, so hurtful. I’ve spent many nights in tears (my husband can’t stand many of these friends now) from being excluded – particularly when they think I won’t find out. It’s as bad as being excluded in middle or high school, and is never a good feeling. I’d much rather feel badly for declining and know I’m thought of and wanted, than have my friends try to keep me in the dark. Let her make the choice to decline, but don’t make her feel worse.

    Post # 4
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    Would it be too awkward to talk with her about this? I guess I would keep inviting her and hope that she would say something if she didn’t want to be invited anymore or start being able to attend some things once the kids were older. I know I would feel more hurt by not being invited at all than by not being able to come, personally.

    Post # 5
    8438 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Keep inviting her. It is always nice to be invited and whilst she may get bummed about it, it might also be kind of motivation to get back out there again. Are you sure she isn;t suffering from post natal depression?

    Post # 6
    1856 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Definitely don’t exclude her. I’m by myself with my elementary school-aged child 90% of the year and have almost no babysitting options, so obviously I don’t get out much except with her. It would be *wonderful* to be asked, and to know my friends still thought of me – I usually tend to hear about all the great stuff they’ve been doing at work later on, and frankly it’s often hurtful to realize they didn’t even bother to ask if I could go. Yeah, 99% of the time I wouldn’t be able to go, but in this case, for me, it’s the thought that counts.

    Post # 7
    585 posts
    Busy bee

    I wouldn’t exclude her… I’d keep asking, each time. That way she at least knows she is remembered, and one day the kids will be over and she’ll be able to do more. If I were her, I would be extremely hurt by not being asked.

    If you can, I’d just ask her nicely, “hey, do you want me to keep inviting you to things? I know how busy you are, and I really want you to come do all this stuff, but I don’t want you to feel bad if you have to say no. Does it make you feel bad to have to say no? What do you prefer?” It’s always better to talk about that elephant in the room!

    Post # 8
    5670 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Please invite her. As someone who is about to become a mom, I would much rather be invited and have to say no than not invited at all. I wouldn’t want to feel left out and even if I had to say no and felt terrible about it at least I would know that my friends were still thinking of me and included me.

    Post # 9
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I think it’s best to keep inviting her even if she can’t always make it. As long as you keep inviting her, it lets her know you still want to be close with her, which I’m sure she’d appreciate. I’m not a parent, but I’m a graduate student, so I do how bad it feels to lose friends or not get invited out because I’m usually not available to participate.

    Post # 10
    4355 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I would definitely keep inviting her because one of these times, she will be able to go and then she will hear about it through the grapevine and be upset that she wasn’t invited. I also don’t think a friend should be written off once they have a family, it’s hard to be the first in a group to bring babies in to the mix.

    Picture all your friends having kids and you not having any yet, would you want them to not invite you to things simply because you are the “odd man out” when it comes to your family dynamic?

    It’s great that you’re spending this much time thinking about it though, instead of immediately writing it off.

    Post # 11
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Well, I cast one of the lonely votes for not inviting her every single time. Just for the record, I don’t think you should hide your outings or outright act like she’s not invited. Let her know you will keep planning things and she should let you know as soon as she feels up for joining you guys in anything. Since many of you seem to be more flexible then she is, that might be more fair to her.

    The reason I think that might be the better option is because I have friends I used to spend lots of time with and can’t any more. They want to go out super late and go places that are 45 min away from where I live, while Fiance and I have to get up at 6:30 in the morning for long days at school and in class. Turning them down doesn’t bum me out any more because I don’t think these differences will ever go away, so I wouldn’t mind if they stopped asking. When I want to see them, I come up with a plan that works for me. Relationships change as life circumstances change. I’m not saying your friendship is over, but I don’t think you can keep doing things the same way any more. 

    Post # 13
    5221 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I voted to invite her but I also liked your third option of ” other awesome suggestions!”.  

    Post # 14
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I have a two year old and I’m the “mom friend” in my group. I am invited to a lot of things and with enough notice I can leave Dirty Delete at home with FH to go out, but honestly I only do that for things that will be really fun or are a special event (birthday, bachelorette). That might sound crappy, but being at home with Dirty Delete and FH is more fun than going to the same bar with the same people and talking about the same things. So if I’m leaving Dirty Delete with FH, then I don’t find it fun to go to things like couples game night alone, and couples game night usually isn’t fun enough to pay $60 for a sitter so I’m totally okay sitting that out.

    I really appreciate the invitations, though – I have a couple of friends who have stopped inviting me to things and now we’re really just acquaintances who see each other at weddings and birthday parties. They’re the same people who used to text me “Emily’s tonight! BYOB” at 8pm on a friday and then get mad when I wouldn’t come out.

    I think that as a good friend, it’s still worth it to invite your mom friend so she knows hat you still consider a friend. And personally, I hate it when people invite me to things that start at like 10pm and tell me I can bring Dirty Delete…I appreciate the gesture, but I’m not bringing a toddler to some guy’s downtown apartment at 10pm 🙂


    Post # 15
    2548 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Just keep inviting her, and whenever possile try to give her as much notice s possible. I know I would rather turn down offers repeatedly then never hve one to turn down.

    Post # 16
    2401 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @UpstateCait:  Maybe she’s uncomfortable with bringing her kids out? I have a friend who has a very whiny toddler, so she refuses to bring him with her when she’s out with friends in public. I think I would offer her to a more relaxed, less of a group outing. How about offer to bring over dinner for her and her older kid one night for her when her husband is out? Or even invite her to your place for a lunch date. 

    I think I would just try to take the pressure off of her to attend group outings, even if you do invite her kids along. 

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