(Closed) Including a “mom” friend that can never participate…

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Should I keep inviting my friend even though I know she probably won’t attend and then feel crappy
    Keep inviting her. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions. : (73 votes)
    91 %
    Ignorance is bliss. Don’t even mention it to her if you think she won’t be able to attend. : (4 votes)
    5 %
    Some other awesome suggestion. : (3 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I would talk to her and ask her what she wants.  I’m sure she would understand your need to clear the air.  ANd you’ll both feel better afterwards.

    Just say, “I really want to spend time with you and I understand that you can’t make it to events such as xyz.  I don’t want you to feel pressured to come but I also don’t want to leave you out.  I’m going to keep inviting you but I understand if you can’t come, please let me know when you can come, because we all really miss you!”

    Post # 18
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2002

    I’ve been in this situation many times.  I have friends who have kids (me included) that will try and work out ways to attend lunches, etc.. With those friends, even if it’s not often they attend (like one out of 20 times or so), I always include them.  But, I have other friends who might like to come but NEVER do.  With those friends, I don’t include them on plans, but they don’t mind, and prefer to not receive the constant invites while their life is so hectic. 

    I think if I were in your shoes, I would talk with my friend and tell her that you feel bad about always including her when you know it’s hard for her to attend get togethers now but you don’t want her to feel bad by not including her, and what would she prefer?  That she contact you when she’s free (or have more free time when the kids are older) or to still be in on the emails/plans for get togethers.  She might want to have a break for a bit until the baby is free or she might really still want to be in on what’s going on.  I think it comes across as you being super understanding, which you are, but gives her the chance to tell you how she feels. 

    And I don’t mean not talk to her ever but not include her on the events where she might feel pressured each time she receives an invite. I hope I’m making sense… 

    Post # 19
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2002

    @laceandpearls10:  Ok…you said what I was trying to say in a much better, and shorter, way! 

    Post # 20
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I totally know where you are coming from.  One of my best friends was a little socially awkward to begin with, and sometimes hard to get out of the house, and now that she has little ones it is next to impossible.  The only way I can see her is if I invite her to do something that can include the children.  I totally understand this.  Sometimes I miss the old version of her, but at the same time I know we all have to grow up sometime!  Me and my friend don’t talk about feelings, so that’s not an option.  I just keep inviting her, and she keeps declining. 🙂

    Post # 21
    Member
    4323 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

    I have no good advice, not being a parent myself. BUT I wanted to say I did the painting / wine tasting class a couple of weeks ago, and it was so much fun! You’ll have a blast, and get to have a pretty painting to hang up and lovingly say, “I did that!” to everyone who rings your doorbell…. or if you’re me, you’ll have a good laugh at your own expense trying to create “art.” 

    Have fun! 

    Even if you feel like a bad friend at times because she can’t leave the house for the non-child friendly activities you plan from time to time, I think it speaks volumes that you’re going through all this mental trouble to try and make sure you’re taking her into consideration in some way.

    Post # 22
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Frankly, while I see both sides, I get really really tired of being turned down 99% of the time and just asking people out for the ego boost I know it gives, so I sometimes only invite people to things that are appropriate for their situation (easy kid-friendly outings or lunch dates for people with kids, things that dont require reservations for my flaky friends, etc). So I think it’s really nice (and a really good friend) of you to keep asking her even though you know her limitations with her children 🙂

    Post # 24
    Member
    7778 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’m a mom to 2 girls and I would always appreciate the invite.  Sometimes I am able to get out and go to things, and sometimes its just impossible.  But I like being invited!

    Post # 25
    Member
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    If you feel like it bums her out that she can’t make it, maybe you can ask her if she’d like to plan something with you around her schedule. In others words, “Is there a time that WOULD be good for you to have a girls’ night out? We’d love to plan something that you can make it to, too.”

    Post # 26
    Member
    1882 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I have a 16 month old. I don’t get invited anywhere anymore, but I do make sure that when i have some free time that **I** contact my friends and let them know i’m available. maybe she can do the same.

    Post # 27
    Member
    9135 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    I hate being excluded from mommy nights out that my friends with kids take (without their kids.)  Just because I am not yet a mommy doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hang out with my friends or that I have nothing to add to potential mommy discussions (I helped raise my baby sister who is 17 years younger than I am and I was a stepmom for almost six years.)  Ever since they had kids I stopped getting invited to everything but the baby showers; I guess I am only good for buying presents.

    Post # 28
    Member
    1402 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I think if I were in her shoes I would be even more bummed knowing my friends were excluding me from outings just because they didn’t think I would come.  I would continue to invite her; hopefully she’ll take you up some time when life gets a little less hectic for her!

    Post # 29
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    If it were me I would want the invite so I know that my friends are thinking of me and want me to be there. If the invites stop coming then it would probably lead me to believe that the friendship has changed or my group no longer values my presence. Your friend is an adult and as a mother chose her path to bring her children into this world, so I don’t think you should worry that by inviting her and having her decline she feels bummed that she has to be with her kids and not with you guys. That’s a choice she made becoming a mother (not being able to do every girls night out when she has small children, or attend adult only events when her kids need her) so you should just focus on being the best kind of friend that you can be for her while she’s in this stage of life and in my eyes that means reaching out to her just as much as you did before. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    Keep inviting her, even if she always turns it down. It’s really hard and sad when you stop getting the invites and feel like your friends don’t care about you anymore because you became a breeder.

    I had that happen to me, and it hurt me a lot.

    Post # 31
    Member
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    If there is a group of you, could you not maybe offer to babysit for her once so she can go with the girls, and another friend do another time?  Maybe just once in a while, so that she gets to go would really make a world of difference.  OK she probably won’t be able to go to the wine-tasting with you and your friends, BUT she could go for a couple of hours for lunch if one of you could help her out?

    The topic ‘Including a “mom” friend that can never participate…’ is closed to new replies.

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