including people in your wedding party who are not married into the family yet?

posted 10 months ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: You should include the partner of a sibling in the wedding party if they are in it.
    Yes always : (7 votes)
    27 %
    Only if they are married : (9 votes)
    35 %
    Only if they are engaged : (5 votes)
    19 %
    If they live together yes : (5 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    224 posts
    Helper bee

    I voted “yes always” because I don’t like any of the other stipulations but my real answer is, people in the wedding party should be chosen individually, their SO’s are not automatically in the wedding party. So just because someone is married doesn’t automatically mean they are in the wedding party if their spouse is, and on the other hand, just because someone ISN’T married doesn’t mean they CAN’T be picked to be in the wedding party.

    Post # 3
    Member
    735 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I agree with PP, pick your bridal party based on your relationships with people. We had my BIL’s girlfriend (they are now engaged) as a signatory on our wedding certificate, so it was a way to include her but not take her away from my husband’s “side”. I get on well with her and would have been open to having her as bridesmaid, but my two were enough for me. I just wanted a chilled out morning with my closest people.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5720 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

     1) is there any etiquette that says you do not include unmarried partners of couples in the wedding party?

    Really? Why would there be etiquette on that? 

    I wouldn’t make marriage the cut off for including or not including some in my bridal party.  It should be based on their actual relationship with you, not a relationship by marriage.

    There is no guarantee a SIL will be a more permanent fixture in your life than a brother’s girlfriend. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4579 posts
    Honey bee

    I’ve never actually heard or experienced in any wedding I’ve been in or attended that significant others of siblings have to be in the wedding party.  In fact siblings don’t have to be in the wedding party at all either.  So your poll is flawed in the sense that they are basically all variations of yes they should be there if X qualification is met with no option for no.  And that’s b.s.  because there is no wedding party requirement at all let alone mandates of who has to be in it.  Every wedding in my life has been chosen based on individual relationships.

    Post # 6
    Member
    111 posts
    Blushing bee

    My sister and her girlfriend are both my bridesmaids. My sister’s girlfriend is like another sister to me. They’ve been together about 6 years now (longer than I’ve been with me FI) .

    Post # 7
    Member
    276 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it depends on your relationship with the individual. I’m not including someone in my wedding party just because they are related to me in any sense if I don’t have a good friendship with them.

    My SO and I already decided we aren’t even going to have our siblings in our wedding party.

    Post # 9
    Member
    5720 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    ladyjane123 :  Would it be rude to include this girlfriend in the get ready room with me and the wedding party if she isn’t in the wedding party? 

    In my view that is the opposite of rude. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2086 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    You are overthinking it. If you like the girlfriend, I would include her in the wedding party because I err on the side of always including family and their SO’s unless there is a compelling reason not to. So what if your Brother-In-Law and his girlfriend eventually break up? It doesn’t mean their relationship never happened or that she should never be spoken of or seen again in pictures. I think it’s odd (and disingenuous) that you would want to exclude her because she might feel uncomfortable about being in your wedding pictures in the future if she breaks up with your Brother-In-Law. I doubt that would cross her mind (seems like a very convoluted way of thinking). What is she supposed to do? Track down every picture of her with your family and ask that it be burned? My advice is to include her and stop trying to predict whether they will break up or not.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    ladyjane123 :  People in your wedding party should be people that are close to you, you’re not obligated to include your siblings partners, even if they’re married. I never even understand people who include their Future Sister-In-Law or Future Brother-In-Law in the wedding party just out of “obligation”. 

    You can ask if she wants to get ready with you, if you want her to. That’s not rude. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee

    When you say “wedding party” are you referring to your actual bridesmaid and groomsmen?  As others have stated, those should be chosen on an individual basis.  When selecting your wedding party, you should chose those closest to you that you share meaningful relationships with.  That is you select your individual bridesmaids and your fiance selects his individual groomsmen.  You may end up with couples, but your selection should never be based off of that.  And if you do end up with couples in your party, they don’t have to be paired up either.  For instance, my fiances brother-in-law will be his best man and I also have chosen to have my fiance’s sister as a bridesmaid because I deeply value her friendship (these two are husband and wife).  However, they will not be walking down the aisle together bc I believe that the procession order should be based on the value of the relationships with each individual.  NOW, if you are meaning “wedding party” to be those who may have duties and be included in family photos, but not necessarily in the bridal party, then there is a way to handle that.  Yes, include her,  give her duties, let her be in photos…. just not all of them.  You dont have to single her out or make it obvious, but there will be a lot of photos taken.  Do some with the entire family, then just newlyweds and siblings, then just newlyweds and grooms family, then newlyweds and siblings and their significant others, so on and so forth.  That way, not everyone is in all the photos and the person you are worried about isnt singled out and probably wont even notice.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2086 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    “There does seem to be guidelines surrounding when you give someone a plus one that depends on if they live together, are engaged, etc”

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should give someone’s fiance or significant other a “plus one.” I think you should invite those people by name on the invitation. IMO, plus ones are for single people and at your discretion.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2086 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    “I never even understand people who include their Future Sister-In-Law or Future Brother-In-Law in the wedding party just out of “obligation”. 

    Because family will be around for a long time and gestures like this can mean a lot and go a long way toward a good relationship. I had my SIL and her wife as my two bridesmaids even though I have friends who are closer to me. Now, I really like my SILs, so it wasn’t a problem (and my friends understood), but it was more important to me to agknowledge family than go strictly by who I was closest to.

    Post # 15
    Member
    6830 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    There’s no rule on this (and their shouldn’t be). I think the wedding party should be made up of those nearest and dearest to you. If that’s your brother’s girlfriend, so be it! 

    Maybe it’s a little awkward that she’s in pics now since they broke up, but it’s really no big deal. Honestly…how often do you look at your wedding pics? I LOVED my pictures but it’s been almost 3 years since we got married and I really look at them. And if I do, it’s usually just a pic of my husband and I alone. 

    Semi-related, my husband’s sister got married well before we got engaged, but we had been dating for a significant period of time by then. Plus his sister and I get along really, really well. Anyway, she didn’t include me as a bridesmaid and I had absolutely no problem with that. We all knew I was going to eventually be marrying her brother but she had other people she wanted to honor with those roles. However, soon after the wedding she told me how she wished she had asked me to be a bridesmaid. Here we are, 6 years later, and I much closer with her than half the people she had in her wedding party. 

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