(Closed) Including/Excluding 17 year old daughter

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

You seem eager to throw your daughter/scapegoat under the bus

Post # 32
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m heartbroken for your daughter.  17 is a tough age and I’m sure it’s hard on her having two different families and now a mother who doesn’t want her involved in her wedding.  She’ll grow up.  She’ll be less “drama”.  You need to be concerned about whether or not she’ll grow up with you in her life or not.  

Post # 33
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

 

There’s ‘drama’ and then there’s true,heartbreaking drama, and unfortunately she has put you through the wringer in her short life. If you had explained more of what was happening with her, these responses would not have been so harsh. It’s easy to pass judgment when you haven’t walked the walk, and the best you can do now is follow your heart.

I hope your wedding is the best  it can be under these trying circumstances.

Post # 34
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I read your update and had to think for a minute on how to repond best. I know many teens who went through the similar with their parents, abet to varing degrees to your story. The difference on the relationship between the relationship between them in adulthood is how parents help solve the issue. It sounds like there is much more to this. What influenced your daughter to go that direction, it rarely is random occurance for someone so young to turn to drugs, alcohol as well as promiscuity so young. 

She needs support, help and understanding. From your post it sounds like she has rejection issues. I’m glad you are going to include her. Excluding could only sink her further into her issues. You may not like it, but you are doing the right thing as a mother.

Post # 35
Member
12801 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m so sorry OP. What a sad, heartbreaking situation. It would have helped people understand better if they understood some of what you wrote in your update, which goes well beyond typical teenage “drama.”  I don’t think anyone can judge you or your situation without having walked in your shoes. 

Best of luck. 

Post # 36
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It’s very difficult to deal with a person with mental illness. I don’t doubt that any other bride on this forum would hesitate inviting someone to their wedding who was almost guaranteed to disrupt the ceremony or reception with drama, hysterics or anything else. 

I feel for you Mom…people that have a person with mental illness in their immediate family have a much harder time. There is no right or wrong answer here. Although, due to her age, it might be more damaging for her to be left out and will just be one more thing she holds over you for the rest of your life (if she wasn’t there). And now you need to make sure the other kids are safe from her…as all your other guests.

Good luck!

Post # 37
Member
7022 posts
Busy Beekeeper

After all the two of you have been through together she has reached out to you to ask if she is included. That’s a big step.

Do I think she should have been invited/included in the first place? Yes. She’s 17 and has been struggling with incredible challenges for a long time, and while I do understand how much stress/pain/aggravation that puts on you, she is a child and no matter what she’s done or how she’s behaved she’s still your daughter. 

I hope you can have some fun shopping together, but keep in mind dress shopping with any 17 year old girl can be dicey at best. Your daughter still needs reassurance and support from you. Some children can have endless needs–parenthood isn’t always easy.

I wish for you a beautiful wedding day with all of your children.  

Post # 38
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It definitely would have helped to know more info in the beginning, since just saying the word drama doesn’t encapsulate all those issues. I am sorry you have had to deal with all of that. I do think no matter what, even when a child pushes their parent away, they still want to be loved and included and want positive attention. she is suffering within herself i am sure. Maybe thia could be a positive experience for your family. Hope it aorks out for you and you have  great wedding.

Post # 39
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

So your clinically diagnosed bipolar-narcissist, drug-using, sexually promiscuous, underaged daughter is living with a man who refuses to get her treatment, uses drugs with her and works nights? And you say the courts sided with him? Something is very wrong here. 

Please go back and read your first post. You left out those necessary details of your story. I stand by the advice of my first post, and I’m glad to see you’re going that route anyway. 

Your daughter is at a very pivotal point in her life. Sounds like you may need to go back through the court system and fight for what is best for her. I know it’s easier to wash your hands of it or bury your head in the sand, especially if she’s not in your home. Ignoring her mental illness now will have disastrous effects later in her life. I speak from direct experience with her exact diagnosis. 

Post # 40
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
theatrejulia:  +1

17 year-olds behave badly all the time – they are 17 after all! Who knows what is going through her head and who cares when it comes to making this decision. She is, and always will be, your daughter. I think excluding her will drive a potentially permanent wedge between you two. I think it is a decision you will regret a lot more than any drama she might cause. The only alternative would be to scrap the sand ceremony altogether so that all of your children are included in the same capacity.

Post # 41
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

After reading your update I now have a better understanding from the OP it sounds like you are just dealing with regular teen drama which now we know isn’t the case. The fact that your daughter reached out you to see if she was invited tells me that she wants to go and it might be the best thing for your relationship to have her come. I now know alot has happened between your family and her but she is still your child and I think you should include her but I also understand if you choose not to. Again I’m sorry if I knew the full story I would have never replied the way I did to OP. Good luck!

Post # 42
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

helpful update.

I still think you were wrong to not even invite her. She had to ask if she was included or invited, how sad is that?

Your daughter is ill, and almost an adult. I’m uncomfortable with the way you talked about the illness, its rather a lot to put on your child. It isn’t her fault. 

You could have invited her.

Post # 43
Member
4120 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ok, well first off, you were very vague in your original post, and since no one here knows you or your situation, you can’t exactly be shocked that people responded the way they did. Who is going to say not to invite your own child?

Secondly, I think the fact that she is expressing a desire to be there is a great sign, and I for one would want to nurture that and allow her to be there. It does sound like there are a lot of complicated circumstances, but ultimately I think you will regret not having your daughter there. Good luck.

Post # 44
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

You not inviting her makes things 1000% worse. Maybe this is exactly why she feels she needs to create drama….

Post # 45
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Please please invite your daughter and have her as part of the wedding, like her siblings. 17 year olds are difficult, but it would be a shame to make her feel more excluded and alone, by her own mother.

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