Incoming selfish kids vent!

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 76
Member
4883 posts
Honey bee

Missed the part where your sis made them say thank you. I would try to forget about it and next time give them something smaller.

Post # 77
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

DaniGirl03 :  We lucked out and got the SNES classic over Thanksgiving weekend! At a Best Buy near my in-laws house, where I think it’s a lot less populated than our NYC area. We barely had to wait in line.

Anyway, I’m sorry that the kids weren’t considerate in thanking you for the gift. While they were probably clueless about the time and effort involved for you to procure it, it’s very basic manners to say thank you even for something that was not wanted.  Not an excuse that “they just don’t know any better” – they would know if their parents taught them and reinforced good manners. They didn’t need to be tactful about not liking the gift, but at least say thank you!

Post # 78
Member
2024 posts
Buzzing bee

DaniGirl03 :  I know this is just a vent, but I’m not sure what else there is to do or say. You didn’t like the behavior, you obviously value your parenting style over your sisters, you did get a half assed “thank you” that  you said didn’t really amount to much in your opinion– which is fine, it is your “right” to be upset if you choose. But thery’re kids, 2 of which for whatever reason have recently just been placed into a stable family life. 1 that just inherited two new siblings. It’s a lot of change, and trust me, from experience dealing with blending kids into families– they pick up on attitudes and behaviors of their school mates/ step siblings/ siblings as quick as you can parent to correct it.

So, be miffed– but I’d extend a little grace to your sister and all the kids involved. The first Christmas as a new family is a toughie– and maybe she went overboard on the gifts (we were very guilty of this our first Christmas as a blended family). Even though as the adult you know gifts do not = happiness or love, it’s very easy to try and patch up some life changing situations with some extra goodies.

This is coming from a pretty hard nosed, take no shit stepmom so trust me… I’m rarely one to really say parents need to back off but I think in this case– you need to step back and consider the bigger picture. And they did eventually say “thank you”, after all.

 

Post # 79
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  You are entitled to your opinion. I wouldn’t consider it passive aggressive, I’d consider it aggressive aggressive and completely within my rights to retract a gift when the recipient was so disrepectful. I think 8 and 10 are fully old enough to have to face the notion their rudeness might lose them goodwill and privileges. 

Responding to behavior in the moment is the most constructive way to make it meaningful. A clear and measured response to a given behavior simply demonstrates that actions have consequences. To come back and scold them later would have less impact and would be unnecessarily spiteful. If they didn’t want the present enough to say thank you, why should they be allowed to keep it? I am sincerely interested in your perspective. 

As for the child in the store, he threw himself down on the floor in front of me. His mother didn’t move him, and was standing there looking totally overwhelmed. I think a child physically preventing me from going about my own shopping is inappropriate. I don’t think that’s an especially radical interpretation of social mores.

I do actually have a fairly nuanced understanding about age-appropriate methods of discipline. Typically, ignoring the behavior until it extinguishes itself is the correct response. However, when in public where behavior is impacting other people, additional intervention is appropriate.

So… what would you have done? Was I supposed to simply wait? Turn around and go another way? His actions were impacting me directly. Am I not allowed to speak for myself? To make it clear he was in my way and ought not be rolling on the floor blocking the path?

I personally find that problematic as a social construct. I certainly wasn’t going to move him phyisically. While I absolutely could have taken another tack – one that asked politely for him to move – I didn’t feel it would be as likely to get his attention in the midst of his meltdown. In addition, I’ll admit to being rather disinclined to be kind to a child who had been hurling nasty comments at his mother. 

I will also admit to having found it amusing to tell this story in the past. However, you raise an important point; as frustrated as I was with both of them, I don’t know what precipitated the hysteria. My response wasn’t kind. There were other ways to achieve my ends than the ones I chose. 

I don’t consider myself pious, but I will admit to being frustrated when I observe bad behavior going uncorrected. Now, I admit, I probably have a much lower threshold for what I consider unacceptable from children, but as I said before, I don’t presume to intervene unless and until the behavior impacts me directly. 

It is certainly your right to be disgusted by me. Or to think that I am rude and petty. I genuinely believe that there are occasions when a stern response to exceptionally bad behavior is appropriate, and this seemed like one to me. 

Post # 82
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

OOOOO LORD!!! 3 hours in line????? I would have been super pissed off as well. 

I dont have kids…I dont have siblings.. so I cant say what I would or would not do.

HOWEVER…—> What this thread has TAUGHT ME: Never go out of your way for child that is not yours. 

Post # 83
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Every kid is different and every parent wants the best for their children. No one is entitled to judge any parent.

Anyway I spoiled my daughter in special event, and christmas is one of them. She is getting lots and lots of present, even ones that I liked (means she might not playing it that much) lol. I dont believe this makes me bad parent nor makes her a brat. She still know how to say please and thank you.

We are having family gathering when all of us bring present for each kids (I have 4 sibling which makes 6 additional present. It was a lot). Each kids is queing to say merry xmas and then got they present. Since it was so many of us, sometimes they forget to say thank you. They took the present and then run away lol. That happens. But as fast as I told her “What do you say?”, she will directly say thank you. Doesn’t make her a brat, she just simply forget.

Post # 84
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand your feelings. Very nice of you to put so much effort into the gift. I remember a sense of disappointment when I took a young family member to a place I thought she would love, and she wasn’t into it at all. One year when I was trying to think of the perfect gift for my brother’s kids, he gave very good advice. He said don’t knock yourself out because it will get a few minutes of attention before they lose interest and go onto something else. This doesn’t mean buy junk,but yeah do not wait three hours. Ask parents for ideas; also some kids write lists and parents can share those ideas.

Post # 85
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

What would we have done in your situation in the store? 

Ermmm…the same thing I would do if anyone was in my way….politely say ‘excuse me’.

Post # 86
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Teamroro

I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to “discipline” a strangers child.

I would be shocked if a complete stranger came up to my tantroming child, leaned down, and said something to them “very loudly” just to shame them out of their behavior.

You think it would leave a lasting impression on the kid, and it probably would, but I doubt the impression would lead to good behavior, it might even give the child social anxiety (yes this is an extreme but I’m a gad sufferer and I can’t imagine my anxiety levels if a stranger got in my face let alone when I was a child). 

As someone who also suffers from anxiety as I’ve seen you post about (and I have seriously loved your advice) I’m really shocked that you thought that publicly shaming someone else’s child was the way to go.

Why not ask the parent if she needs help, ask if she’s ok, or just tell her that you’ve been there? Instead of jumping to trying to discipline a child you know nothing about?

Post # 87
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Carolsays :  

In ops defense, she did ask her sister and her sister thought it would be a good gift for the kids

Post # 88
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sansa85 :  it also really seems like kicking the mom when she’s down. “Oh, you can’t handle your child? Allow me to show you.”

Post # 89
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Meh. I think I’m team teamroro, no pun intended, although I probably would have confronted the mom.

Kids have meltdowns, teenagers have meltdowns. But if you’re a parent, allowing things to escalate and prolong to a point where your child is annoying/impeding/inconveniencing total strangers is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. Everyone thinks their little darling is the center of the universe, but really, no one else cares about your child enough to put up with them being disruptive. If you don’t want people side eyeing you or complaining at you or your kid then don’t let them be a gigantic nuisance.

And no I don’t have kids, but I do do things like grocery shop and eat out, and claiming that only parents have a right to comment on the behavior of children or other parents is incredibly dismissive of and intolerant towards people who are childfree by choice or otherwise.

Post # 90
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

collegebee :  

What exactly would you say to that parent in the store? That takes a lot of balls to go up to a parent and tell them how they should be parenting their child when #1, you don’t know them and #2 you have literally never been in their shoes because you don’t have kids

It’s not about the rights of child free people, it’s about the balls of thinking you know exactly what is going on in that situation and even worse, exactly what the parent SHOULD be doing for their child.

NO ONE is saying to let the child have a meltdown and disrupt everyone else, we are saying to stop the judgment and stop acting like you know how to parent that child better when you’ve never met them before in your entire life. That’s seriously pious and ballsy.

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