Post # 1
I feel like Fiance is getting really spoiled. Lately he has been so… bratty, to be honest. He asks me to make him breakfast and whines like a 3 year old if I don’t. He goes in the kitchen and wrecks it and complains that the dishes aren’t done. He fried a hamburger last night and it was like a grease tornado went through. Did he make any effort to clean it up? No! I went in this morning to make breakfast and there was grease everywhere and the stove was disgusting.
I don’t understand where this is coming from. Usually I do most of the housework, but he’s never been such a slob. If I ask for help, he refuses. I don’t feel like the chores are divided fairly. I feel like I’m his mother, walking behind him, cleaning up his messes, cooking his meals, etc. It’s exhausting. Normally I wouldn’t be so frustrated about it, but I’m studying for the CPA exam and I’ve asked explicitly several times for help.
What should I do?
Post # 3
Have you talked to him about it? Feeling like his maid/mother is not cool at all. He’s taking advantage of the situation. Most people would, though, because it’s a slippery slope.
Have you laughed at him when he whines for his breakfast? I mean, he’s not a toddler. Just refuse to make him breakfast, tell him you have to study, and tell him he’s a big boy and the milk is in the fridge. It’s one thing to make somebody breakfast to be nice–I always find myself making Darling Husband breakfast (and me!) on the weekends. But he always says please and thank you. If i ever felt like he was expecting it, I’d stop. I only do things for people who appreciate them.
Post # 4
I think you need to stop doing what you’re doing and talk to him, as @ejs suggested. His behavior is not okay, and you need to tell him that. If he’s refusing to help when you explicitely ASK him for help, well…to be honest, I would probably flip out, lol, and say “What the eff is your problem?!” but that’s probably not the mature/rational way to handle it! I would let him know that you feel like he is not pulling his weight in the household and you don’t appreciate feeling like a maid or a mother.
Post # 5
Dear God, don’t make him breakfast if he whines. Also, if he leaves the place a mess don’t ask him to help you clean it. Throw him the sponge, rag, spray and tell him to clean his f’in mess up! I really could never deal with that. You need to nip it in the bud. Seriously, sit him down, tell him to start acting like an adult that knows how to take care of himself because it’s super unattractive. At least, that’s what I would do.
Post # 6
I can’t agree with @ejs4y8 more. You definitely need to have a chat with him. When I feel like my husband is starting to take advantage (not that this is his intent) I do my best to quickly nip it in the bud.
Post # 7
Do something about it now or he will always feel he can do it.
Post # 8
talk to him immediately! this needs to stop now, or it will get out of control.
Post # 9
I know PPs have already said to talk to him about it, but it sounds like you’ve done that.
I would go MIA for a little bit, with the excuse that you’re studying for the CPA exam. Spend a lot of time at coffee shops, etc., studying, rather than at home. If you’re out of the house, then it will put more of a burden on him to make his own food and clean his own mess. If he makes a big mess, don’t clean it. Just work around it (and quiet the Monica Geller voices inside of you).
This will remind him that he is capable, he is a big boy, and ESPECIALLY during this time, you’ve got more important things to do.
Post # 10
First off, good for you for not just taking it. One of the biggest causes of unhappiness within marriages (after finances) is uneven division of household labor. So this is definitely not a minor issue, even if he tries to make you feel like you’re making a big deal about nothing! And I don’t know if you have or are planning to have kids, but it generally gets worse when they come along. So I agree with everyone else that it’s important to nip it in the bud now.
As to how best to do that…I’m not sure. It depends a lot on what your dynamic is, if there have been other changes in his behavior/mental state recently, etc.
I can tell you what worked for us when we first moved in together. He never expected me to serve him, but we had really different cleanliness standards, and he just wouldn’t SEE the mess. So, although it sounds like something you do with college roommates, we made charts for each chore. After one of us did the dishes, we’d put our initial down. That way it was ALWAYS clear whose turn it was. We’ve kept it up for 5 years now and we never ever fight over housework anymore. (It helps that I’ve relaxed about it a little and he’s gotten more diligent.)
Post # 11
Well this is hard if you’ve already talked to him and he still refuses to help cook or clean and whines for his food. IDK, maybe if he’s acting like a child try to treat him like one? Withold something (intimacy) maybe until he cleans his mess in the kitchen? Only cook for yourself until he agrees to clean afterwards or cook the next meal? I mean you have to stand up for yourself and not allow this behavior to continue obviously. If you aren’t getting through to him by telling him how you feel then I would fall back on showing him this way.
Post # 12
Wow, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. My Fiance and I decided fairly early how to divide the household chores, and they’ve stayed fairly constant, though we pick up the slack when needed.
That being said, if he ever seriously whined to me, I would absolutely not do what he was asking. Start doing your dishes, not his. Then when he complains that the dishes aren’t done, they’re all his mess. Stop making him meals. Stop doing his laundry. Get him to step up now, or he’ll never change. (and once you have kids…is this behavior going to rub off on them?)
I always have the image of the mom from A Christmas Story, how they say she’s never eaten a hot meal, because she’s always getting up from the table to get someone a drink or the butter or the salt and pepper or seconds, etc.
I may be harsh, but I am a firm believer that our household is just that: OURS. And that he is just as responsible for it as I am. The second he tells me what to do is the second I stop doing it altogether.
Post # 13
I agree. Time to go on strike!