(Closed) Increasingly fed up (vent)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Has he said that he plans to marry you at some point? I don’t feel like you should make an ultimatum to get engaged :(. I understand its frustrating, but I wouldn’t want someone to propose to me just because I threatened them. Doesn’t sound the best way to start your life together…

Post # 4
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Are you at a point in our life where you want to have kids? Do you speak to him calmly about your feelings about your frustrations? What is his response?

Post # 5
Member
8455 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Fiberoptic:  Have you thought about proposing to him?  Or at least asking him what is preventing him from proposing to you?  Maybe he just doesn’t understand where you are in your life right now.  I’d try to talk to him calmly about it and see what happens.  Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I get what you’re saying.  We’re kind of our last friends that still aren’t married that have been in a relationship.  It was hard to see people who had been dating far less tiem than we had getting married.

 

Eventually I decided to approach him with it.  I told him my timeline.  He asked why it was so important to me, what would change.  And I calmly explained to him that it was important and that I felt ready.  I told him that I’d really like to be engaged in the next 6 months.  Once I explained how I felt, calmly & rationally with a logical mindset, I think he got the picture.

 

Then I shut up about it.  Completely.  Unless he brought it up, I didn’t broach the subject.  Two months later when things had calmed down from the holidays, he surprised me by taking me ring shopping.  Now the ring is in process and I’m looking forward so much to him proposing!

 

I think you should have that talk.  I didn’t give him an ultimatum necessarily, just a “hey, this is what I expect.”  If he reacts badly and marriage is important to you, then maybe he isn’t the one, as painful as that is.  But, if he has good points why he hasn’t proposed and why he’s not ready to, hear him out.  I had to back off at one point a couple years ago because he told me he just wasn’t willing to get engaged until he had more money saved up and had advanced a little further in his career.  Now is the perfect time, he was right.  We have changed a lot since then and are a lot more stable.

Post # 8
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, I think you deserve better. I would not want to wait that long to start a family with someone who may not ever come around. 

Post # 9
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just saw that you guys are in your 30s… I think that totally changes things!  You are probably stable in your careers and know who you are as individuals… He needs to commit!

 

Have you ever talked to his Mom about it?  I’ve found that Moms can be good at giving a little push…

Post # 10
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

And his reasons about you not being tidy enough are ridiculous. You marry someone because you love them as a person (all of them, including the faults).

Post # 11
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. It’s a super super hard situation and I just want to hug you 🙁

 

I had a quick peek through some of your past threads and honestly I don’t think this man is anyway near mature enough to be thinking about anyone but himself for quite a while.

I think you need to start thinking about what would really be best for you right now. Maybe that will mean leaving him and being alone again for a little while, or maybe it will mean that you realise you could be okay with not having children and think staying with him will make you happier in the long run.

 

I really do wish you all the best <3

Post # 12
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Fiberoptic:  Sounds like it’s time for you to start being in charge of your own life.  Stop asking him if/when he’s going to propose.  Don’t let this situation change you into a bitter person you won’t recognize as time goes on.

You deserve better than this and you know it.  If he is keeping his options open I suggest you do the same.  Nobody should allow another human being to have this much control over their life.  I know it’s hard but you have some thinking to do about whether you even want to remain in this relationship or not.

If you love him and can accept that he may never marry you and want to stay with him anyway, then stay.  If you deeply desire marriage and he isn’t on the same page, and can’t or won’t give you a straight and definitive answer, then cut your losses now and don’t waste more time on him. 

I wish you all the best!

Post # 13
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Oh my, this was totally me over a year ago! I broke up with him and did other things. I bought my own house and took care of myself. I don’t know if he would have ever proposed with how bitter I was! I’m also 35. We did get back together after a year and him begging the whole time and now I know an engagement is in the works in a month or two. He understands how much it hurt me!

Post # 14
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am sorry that you are frustrated with the situation. Your SO seems to be so vague when it comes to getting married. Pulling lame excuses for not proposing is not cool. Not folding laundry properly, really?!!! I would not continue to wait if I were in your shoes. People should know they want to marry their bf/gf or not after 1-2 years together, especially at this point of your life. Unless he is still saving up for the ring, the wedding, a house… he should have proposed by now.

It is useless to keep talking about getting married to him. You should not wait until the end of the year. But if you want to wait, you should change your life style. Start to do things without him, meet more people, go out more often. You will realize there are so many men out there that are ready for a family.

This does not mean your SO is a bad person, you are just on different pages.

Post # 16
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Fiberoptic:  if there is no reason for the hold up, then I say he will definitely get married one day, but not to you. I am sorry but that may be the truth. Sometimes it is hard for him to just say the truth. Someone on this board said that guys do not want to see girls cry. I have to agree with that. Men drag the relationship on until they find another one, or until you are tired and walk. Men do not like confrontation. I hate to say this but that’s pretty coward of them. My ex was one. So I feel you. /Hugs

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