(Closed) Incredibly irritated/disgusted with best man…

posted 7 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

man, this is a tough situation! i am going to think about it a little bit, and then come back to you with some well thought out advice. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow, this is a tough one!

The good thing is that your Fiance is on your side; but he does need to “man up” and have a heart to heart conversation with his friend. He needs to tell him that, while he is entitled to his opinions, that making remarks about his/your relationship is unacceptable.

Now about being the best man, I do really think you need to leave this decision up to your Fiance. If he truley wants this friends to be Bridesmaid or Best Man, then you should accept that. But once again, your Fiance needs to have a converstaion with him to discuss what is appropriate/ inappropriate at the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sadly, you are going to have to let your man handle this. It’s his friend and it’s not fair for you to tell him what he needs to do with him.

To me, it sounds like his friend has some sort of mental problem. My ex’s brother was like this. He’d get involved with something off the wall and just out of the blue and run with it. He would dedicate his life to it. For six months it was all of a sudden gardening when he had showed no interest before. (he also lived at home) he seriously transformed his parents back yard. And then stopped taking care of it one day and moved on to camping out in the woods for six months because he thought the CIA was after him and he was trying to avoid all the cameras in the city.  (he’s schizo)

I don’t like one of my FI’s groomsmen, but it’s none of my business. He doesn’t tell me who I can and can’t be friends with.

If you turned the situation around, would you be okay with your Fiance telling you to make your Maid/Matron of Honor step down? His friend can think any way he wants to think, but he needs to keep your relationship out of it.

Post # 6
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow. That is a sucky situation. I’ve gotta say, you have much more self control than me! I would have laid the proverbial slap down on him loooong ago! While this is really your FI’s battle, he dragged you into it by personally insulting you and I don’t think it would be out of line for you to pressure your Fiance to make him step down as best man. I know if one of my friends spoke to my Fiance that way they would be out of the wedding party! It sounds like everyone just kind of goes along with this guy’s weirdness and rolls their eyes but maybe it would be a helpful reality check for him to see consequences for his words. Lord knows if he keeps going down this path he is in for a long, lonely life. Good luck, I would not want to be in your place!

Post # 7
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree that your Fiance should be the one to handle it however . . . I see nothing wrong with you choosing to skip the Best Man speech.  That would make me nervous too.  

Post # 8
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yeah if I were you, I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone like that to be my FI’s best man.  Honestly, yes, it is his friend, but he insulted you.  Someone like that shouldn’t be your FI’s best man. I think you do need to let your Fiance decide, but I think it’s more than fine for you to express why you don’t believe he should be the best man anymore. 

But yeah, I think he may have some mental issues. 

Post # 9
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, it sounds like he might have a disorder that has effected his personality development. It’s almost OCD combined with Asperger’s-ish.

Post # 10
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yea you should let Fiance decide if he wants to demote him or not, but the speech has to be eliminated lol.

Post # 11
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

It seems like he takes his obsessive personality and takes whatever he is currently into to the extreme- like healthy eating, religion etc. 

He took some Christian values and took them to their farthest level, not being mindful of the company he is with.

As far as Fiance gettting up the gusto to demote or have a talk with the Best man …thats tough! I’m sure there are a lot of boundaries to be crossed and a really uncomfortable situation. Perhaps you guys can come up with a plan of demotion or just meet with the crazy guy and have a heart to heart with him, the two of you!

Perhaps his wedding speech will just be about their friendship and not his personal agenda? I’ not really seeing how his veganism/crazy eating and spiritual views will come up, unless you think hes just gonna get up and give a speech totally off topic?

Post # 12
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

OK. this is what I think. You can’t “UNbest man him” just because of his newfound religious beliefs. Yes, they seem a bit far fetched, but it wouldn’t be fair to him to kick him out because his new mindset is old fashioned or whatever.

HOWEVER, I would also be uncomfortable after the big fight you had with him. If you guys are still conflicting when the wedding comes around, it would be awkward for him to be standing there with you guys when you say your vows. My advice is to talk to him and see if you can work it out. See if he will apologize for offending you, and for getting angry in yorur fight. He can’t apologize for his “religious beliefs” but he can keep his thoughts to himself. He can vow to stop saying such ridiculous things, that are obviously hurtful and offensive. If he is willing to do that, I say that he should still be in your wedding party. If he can’t, then I would say it’s totally OK to ask him to step down.

Post # 12
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

In my opinion you have been saintly as it is. The only time I would be able to tolerate those kind of comments on a regular basis from anyone is if I was absolutely 100% certain they were joking and even then I would sill give them heck for it and let them know that those comments made them sound like a jerk.

I think you are well within your rights to insist he never gets ahold of a mic or says any speeches at your wedding. I don’t really think you should force him to completely relinquish his role in the wedding.

I also think you should let your fiance handle it, but for a different reason than others. If his friend is badmouthing you now and you have even an inkling of a fear he will say something ridiculous at your wedding before all your guests then your fiance should be standing up for you. Plus, if you push his friends around it makes you look like a controlling person. As non-confrontational as he may be, he needs to do something about this situation. You should let him know how important it is to you and that you don’t feel comfortable approaching his good friend.

Post # 13
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

double post!

Post # 15
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Undiagnosed mental illness is a b*tch. (It definitely sounds like a personality disorder to me, possibly OPD.) If you’re concerned that he’s going to be inappropriate, I’m guessing it’s based on past behavior. The single best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I would say lean on your Fiance about this.

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