Post # 1
Hi everyone. My fiance and I have been engaged for about two months now, we dated about 5 years. He’s my first and only serious relationship. From the very start my fiance and parents never really got along. He’s a no BS kind of guy and i guess that didnt mix well with my parents/ family b/c he would ask questions and say things without thinking all the time and he always came off as a know it all and bold.
Now 5 years have passed and were engaged. My fiance is a really good man. He has a heart of gold with me, treats me with all the respect in the world and puts me before anyone/anything else. He is always trying to make me happy and is very romantic. I love him for that and I know i am lucky to have a guy by my side no matter what. We’ve traveled the world together and he’s opened up my eyes to so many possibilites and Im grateful for that. He does have OCD tho and repeats himself often and he is a germophobe. He doesnt eat food anywhere except mine or in restaurants..it is so stupid and it always bothers me b/c it doesnt make sense. But i’ve delt with it for 5 years.
Anyway the stress of planning this wedding is/has caused minor fights bt us and my family. First it was the money issue..i always assumed that my parents would chip in a little but my mom told me that my fiance directly told her that He and I were going to pay for it b/c he didnt like to be told what to do and wanted his own way. My mom took it as if we didnt want her involved which is not the case..i never said anything like that. I wanted her to be involved, even if she couldn’t put in a dime. I guess I may have started complaining about how much this wedding is gonna cost us and she started telling me to cut down costs here and there and gave her opinions. When i found my hall that i love i realized it was very expensive, but Fiance said that we’ll be ok with it, and my mom started getting almost angry b/c we were spending too much on the hall, the dj ….and then i got into a fight with her bc i guess i just wanted her to support me even tho it was pricey.
Long story short, after not really speaking to my mom for a week i became really depressed and started reevaluating my entire relationship with Fiance. I feel like theres always something complicating things and its never easy anymore. I know planning a wedding is stressful but i havent really been happy this whole time. I think what would make me happiest is having my Fiance and parents/family get along so that i dont have to worry in the future about more problems.
The reason im posting this today is that i voiced my concerns to my Fiance last night and told him i was having doubts. He got very upset with me, telling me that after 5 years if i dont know what i want i never will. I got really upset and being naive i didnt think he would take it that way. I started to panick realizing that we may end our relationship now and i ended up asking him to just give me a few days to sort out my doubts and problems. He says that im too influenced by my parents and they’re the ones causing the strain in our relationship. I guess its kinda true but i have such high respect for my parents and they mean the world to me and i want hiim to respect them too but i feel like its never gonna happen. He’s gonna say what he wants and feels and wants to be repected back for it. My mom told me that she’d support me no matter what my decision in life is as long as im happy, but she does point out the bad things about him and that just makes me question him more. I feel like he never will blend into our family and fit in.
I dont know what im really asking for today. I guess i just needed to vent to someone b/c i cant talk to anyone else about this. I dont even know if im rambling or making any sense. I havent slept all night and am so torn i want to cry.
Post # 3
Totally, completely NORMAL. This happens to so many brides during their engagement. I think the idea that after you get engaged everything is all sweetness and light is total BS. I’d recommend a quick look through the book Emotionally Engaged – the author talks about this very issue. Basically, she talks about how during the entire engagement, you are still in the process of evaluating your partner as your lifemate, and you are also in the process of sort of disengaging from your family. It’s tough for everyone involved, and it causes a lot of stress and in some people, even depression.
Please don’t worry. I’d say pick up a book like the one I mentioned and see if it strikes a chord with how you are feeling. It may help you sort things out. And of course, there’s always the option of seeing a counselor if you need further help.
I just wanted to reassure you that LOTS of brides go through this. This does not necessarily mean that you and your Fiance are not right for each other.
Post # 4
i totally secong emotionally engaged. I became so depressed a few months after being engaged that I couldn’t work for 6 weeks. Things are AWESOME now and the book was totally relatable for me. Def look into it.
Post # 5
i agree that your feelings are normal, as are your insecurities, it’s a big thing getting married, it seems to me both your parents and fiance just want whats best for you so in that respect you are very lucky. i have a simular problem with my mil to be, she is very opinonated and it most negative towards anything i do, she disapproves of anything i have planned. so i only tell her the things that wont cause any conflict, my fiance told her about the cars we want and she went off on one about money blah blah as she does, so i told her my brother was paying for them, and she immediantly backed off.
get your mum involved in the wedding keep the budget to yourself, if thats what concerning her. and thats probably all it is concern you don’t get into any debt.
but the main thing and everyone should understand it’s you and you fi wedding day, and it (usually) only happens once.
oh and call you mum she’s probably been dreaming of her little girl wedding day as long as you have 🙂
Post # 6
I think that if you’ve made it five years, there’s genuine feeling there.
I also think that if you’re looking at a situation like your Fiance and your parents not getting along, it’s just different when you start thinking, “Am I going to be in the middle of this for the rest of my life?”
You really haven’t said too much about how your parents treat your fiance except in response to how he treats them, so I assume that you think they’re reasonable. It seems like you are making excuses for your fiance–he’s OCD, he’s no BS, that’s how he is, but really, he treats me good! But you don’t think he treats your parents well. That comes across very clearly. Saying, “he would ask questions and say things without thinking all the time and he always came off as a know it all and bold,” is making excuses for him. He needs to understand that by being “no BS” he says things that are thoughtless and hurt the people you love, and, by extension, you.
I do think you should talk to him about this. I think you should tell him how you feel when he treats your parents badly. Like, “When my mom makes dinner and she sees you don’t eat it, I know that it hurts her and it is hard for me to see my mom hurting like that.” Try to avoid saying things like “You are rude to my parents.”
If your fiance is really the great guy you believe he is, he’ll understand that he needs to be more thoughtful in speaking to your family. (And you maybe should think about how your family treats and talks to him, too, and if there’s room for improvement on their side as well. 🙂
Post # 7
Stop trying to have your Fiance blend into your fam. People don’t always get along and that’s ok. It’s up to u to decide what’s more important. Being with your Fiance as he is or having someone who fits into your family perfectly. Looks like you need to make some very tough decisions.
Post # 8
I second ’emotionally engaged’. 🙁 I cried all day long when I first got engaged and it’s been hell since. WIth his family, I mean. Just read my posts 😛
I agree it’s a big fat lie that this should be the ‘happiest time of life’ for a girl.
Hope this interview helps, it’s with the author of the book I mentioned.
((( HUGS ))) I’m with you, girl. It’ll get better!
Post # 9
They don’t have to be best friends and always agree, but in a family, they should try and treat each other with thoughtfulness and respect. If her fiance is talking to her mom in a way that hurts her mom because he just doesn’t think before he speaks, that is a problem.
Post # 10
I agree it’s a big fat lie that this should be the ‘happiest time of life’ for a girl.
Kind of like calling high school the “best time of your life.” 😀
Post # 13
Just to clarify — is your fiance *actually* OCD? In the sense that he has an actual clinical diagnosis? Is he in counseling or on meds to deal with these symptoms and learn how to diminish their interference with his (and your) life? Or to learn how his communication style may be misinterpreted by other people?
Regardless of his diagnosis, I’m hearing some controlling behavior from him in your post that I find a bit worrisome. You assumed that your folks would chip in a little bit, but he unilaterally told them (presumably without consulting you first) that they weren’t welcome to contribute, because he “wanted his own way.” His way? What about *your* way — as in “the decisions that the two of you make together?”
And then when you express your concerns to him, the problem is displaced entirely on you — and specifically on your relationship with your parents? I mean, obviously you need to make sure that your mom or dad isn’t stirring up trouble in your relationship for their own reasons (some of us have crazy parents), but I hear you saying that you and your family have always been really close. It’s inappropriate for him to try to drive a wedge between you and your family — that’s controlling behavior.
You also mention that “he’s going to say what he wants and feels and expects to be respected back for it.” Well, he’s welcome to say what he wants and feels, but sometimes people are going to disagree — for legitimate reasons, even! And part of being respected is extending that respect for other people’s feelings back at them as well — which it sounds as if he may have some (OCD-related?) problems doing.
Sorry for writing a book here. I just wanted to let you know (from personal experience) that his illness may explain some of these personality quirks and communication issues — but it doesn’t excuse him from working on them and trying to get better at being considerate of other people’s needs. And even though he treats you super well — one of your needs is for him to build a functional relationship with your family. Since they don’t sound like a nutty bunch, your need is not unreasonable. Good luck with this, and remember that it’s not your responsibility to solve everyone’s problems. (Not meant in a “you’re interfering!” way, but in a “don’t put too much on your own shoulders!” way.)
Post # 14
thank you all for the feedback. I just talked with my mom about this and she told me again that at the end of the day, its between me and my fiance. And if im happy with just him and can deal with all his quirks then i should be fine. However she went on to say that she doesnt really my father thinks im making a huge mistake and that they dont really trust him all that well either. ( i have an older brother with bipolar who is dependent and my Fiance always wants to make sure in the future that everyone helps out with him, which would be the case anyway. My mom said she always got the feeling that he was “puttin us on notice” so that he doesnt want to get stuck w the responsibility.) Honestly tho when i talk to my Fiance about it he always seemed on board with helping and said he would never deny doing his part.
I feel like im split down the middle b/c everything my mom says i feel like he denies and everything he says my mom denies. Who do i go with? I hold both their opinions so highly.