(Closed) Incredibly upset with engagement

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Totally, completely NORMAL. This happens to so many brides during their engagement. I think the idea that after you get engaged everything is all sweetness and light is total BS. I’d recommend a quick look through the book Emotionally Engaged – the author talks about this very issue. Basically, she talks about how during the entire engagement, you are still in the process of evaluating your partner as your lifemate, and you are also in the process of sort of disengaging from your family. It’s tough for everyone involved, and it causes a lot of stress and in some people, even depression.

Please don’t worry. I’d say pick up a book like the one I mentioned and see if it strikes a chord with how you are feeling. It may help you sort things out. And of course, there’s always the option of seeing a counselor if you need further help.

I just wanted to reassure you that LOTS of brides go through this. This does not necessarily mean that you and your Fiance are not right for each other.

Post # 4
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i totally secong emotionally engaged. I became so depressed a few months after being engaged that I couldn’t work for 6 weeks. Things are AWESOME now and the book was totally relatable for me. Def look into it.

Post # 5
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i agree that your feelings are normal, as are your insecurities, it’s a big thing getting married, it seems to me both your parents and fiance just want whats best for you so in that respect you are very lucky. i have a simular problem with my mil to be, she is very opinonated and it most negative towards anything i do, she disapproves of anything i have planned. so i only tell her the things that wont cause any conflict, my fiance told her about the cars we want and she went off on one about money blah blah as she does, so i told her my brother was paying for them, and she immediantly backed off.

get your mum involved in the wedding keep the budget to yourself, if thats what concerning her. and thats probably all it is concern you don’t get into any debt. 

but the main thing and everyone should understand it’s you and you fi wedding day, and it (usually) only happens once. 

oh and call you mum she’s probably been dreaming of her little girl wedding day as long as you have ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think that if you’ve made it five years, there’s genuine feeling there.

I also think that if you’re looking at a situation like your Fiance and your parents not getting along, it’s just different when you start thinking, “Am I going to be in the middle of this for the rest of my life?”

You really haven’t said too much about how your parents treat your fiance except in response to how he treats them, so I assume that you think they’re reasonable. It seems like you are making excuses for your fiance–he’s OCD, he’s no BS, that’s how he is, but really, he treats me good! But you don’t think he treats your parents well. That comes across very clearly. Saying, “he would ask questions and say things without thinking all the time and he always came off as a know it all and bold,” is making excuses for him. He needs to understand that by being “no BS” he says things that are thoughtless and hurt the people you love, and, by extension, you.

I do think you should talk to him about this. I think you should tell him how you feel when he treats your parents badly. Like, “When my mom makes dinner and she sees you don’t eat it, I know that it hurts her and it is hard for me to see my mom hurting like that.” Try to avoid saying things like “You are rude to my parents.”

If your fiance is really the great guy you believe he is, he’ll understand that he needs to be more thoughtful in speaking to your family. (And you maybe should think about how your family treats and talks to him, too, and if there’s room for improvement on their side as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Stop trying to have your Fiance blend into your fam.  People don’t always get along and that’s ok.  It’s up to u to decide what’s more important.  Being with your Fiance as he is or having someone who fits into your family perfectly.  Looks like you need to make some very tough decisions.

Post # 8
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I second ’emotionally engaged’. ๐Ÿ™ I cried all day long when I first got engaged and it’s been hell since. WIth his family, I mean. Just read my posts ๐Ÿ˜› 

 I agree it’s a big fat lie that this should be the ‘happiest time of life’ for a girl. 

http://www.emotionallyengaged.com/todayshow_april.php

 Hope this interview helps, it’s with the author of the book I mentioned. 

((( HUGS ))) I’m with you, girl. It’ll get better! 

Post # 9
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Atalanta:

They don’t have to be best friends and always agree, but in a family, they should try and treat each other with thoughtfulness and respect. If her fiance is talking to her mom in a way that hurts her mom because he just doesn’t think before he speaks, that is a problem.

Post # 10
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SimplyChic11:

I agree it’s a big fat lie that this should be the ‘happiest time of life’ for a girl.

Kind of like calling high school the “best time of your life.” ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 11
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

wow computer freak out!

Post # 11
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013
Post # 12
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013
Post # 13
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just to clarify — is your fiance *actually* OCD? In the sense that he has an actual clinical diagnosis? Is he in counseling or on meds to deal with these symptoms and learn how to diminish their interference with his (and your) life? Or to learn how his communication style may be misinterpreted by other people?

Regardless of his diagnosis, I’m hearing some controlling behavior from him in your post that I find a bit worrisome. You assumed that your folks would chip in a little bit, but he unilaterally told them (presumably without consulting you first) that they weren’t welcome to contribute, because he “wanted his own way.” His way? What about *your* way — as in “the decisions that the two of you make together?”

And then when you express your concerns to him, the problem is displaced entirely on you — and specifically on your relationship  with your parents? I mean, obviously you need to make sure that your mom or dad isn’t stirring up trouble in your relationship for their own reasons (some of us have crazy parents), but I hear you saying that you and your family have always been really close. It’s inappropriate for him to try to drive a wedge between you and your family — that’s controlling behavior.

You also mention that “he’s going to say what he wants and feels and expects to be respected back for it.” Well, he’s welcome to say what he wants and feels, but sometimes people are going to disagree — for legitimate reasons, even! And part of being respected is extending that respect for other people’s feelings back at them as well — which it sounds as if he may have some (OCD-related?) problems doing.

Sorry for writing a book here. I just wanted to let you know (from personal experience) that his illness may explain some of these personality quirks and communication issues — but it doesn’t excuse him from working on them and trying to get better at being considerate of other people’s needs. And even though he treats you super well — one of your needs is for him to build a functional relationship with your family. Since they don’t sound like a nutty bunch, your need is not unreasonable. Good luck with this, and remember that it’s not your responsibility to solve everyone’s problems. (Not meant in a “you’re interfering!” way, but in a “don’t put too much on your own shoulders!” way.)

 

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