Indifference towards fiance's family

posted 1 month ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7348 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Does this matter? In other words, is your Fiance upset that you don’t connect more with his family? Does he wish things were different? Do YOU wish things were different? Or is everyone happy with the way things are?

I have never been particularly close with ANY of the families of ANY of the men I have dated (long term relationships) and I am not particularly close with Dh’s family, either. If/when there is a funeral, I will feel worse for Dh than about actually losing that person, simply because I don’t really have a connection to them. I’ve never really viewed it as a problem, and Dh has never pressured me to be closer with them, so…

Post # 4
Member
7348 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Dh isn’t particularly close with my family, either, although my mum loves him. But generally, I see my family, he sees his family and every now and again on holidays or what not, we see each other’s families. Honestly, those affairs are never really comfortable for either of us, as we just don’t feel “at home” in our IL’s homes, even though I feel at home in my mum’s house and he feels at home in his dad’s house (his mum and my dad both passed away before we met). It just isn’t an issue for us. We are all cordial with one another, just not close.

Post # 5
Member
696 posts
Busy bee

I dont think this is a problem. Im the same with my in laws. They are nice people and I dont mind the holiday/birthday/etc get togethers… but Im also not super close with any of them. SIL is the only one I could maybe get closer to but she lives out of state so that limits us. I play polite hostess on holidays and encourage hubby to get gifts where indicated, but thats about it. 

Post # 7
Member
952 posts
Busy bee

I dont thinkn you need to stress about this to be honest. Being super close with the in-laws can also come with its own pitfalls such as blurred boundaries and overstepping. I think as long as it is not causing any problems within your couple then I would just enjoy the peace. I also think that maybe once you guys are married you might just naturally grow close to them, just wait and see how things go 🙂

Post # 8
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@elody789:  I think as long as you’re nice to them when you’re around them it’s fine. You don’t have to go out of your way to be super close to them if you don’t feel like it, but you also should try your best not to let these feelings show since, as you put it, you can’t identify why you feel this way (aka they haven’t done anything to you to make you feel distant). I’m SUPER close with my fiance’s family, I probably talk to his parents and siblings more frequently than he does, but I think that’s really uncommon and only makes sense if it comes naturally to you. My fiance is not very close with my family–doesn’t talk to them outside of in-person interaction, doesn’t really think about them unless we’re talking about them or to them. And that’s perfectly fine! When he’s with them he’s friendly and engages with them, and they love him even though they’re not ultra close. Everyone is different, it’s okay!

Post # 9
Member
10387 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m not close to my husband’s family (it actually drives me insane when his mom just randomly texts me because I have nothing to say). And he’s not close to my family. We didn’t marry each other for our families we got married because we love each other. As long as everyone is civil and generally nice to each other nobody needs to be close.

Post # 10
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You most definitely aren’t alone here. My in-laws are lovely people and I enjoy the time I spend with them, but I’ve never been close with them (through no fault of theirs whatsoever!). It makes me feel guilty too, especially because my husband is actually really close to my family!

My brother has literally become one of his best friends (which I actually love because my brother and I are close, so it’s fun for the three of us to hang out) meanwhile I feel like I barely know my husband’s brother.

And there will be times when we’ll watch a movie and my husband will be like “I bet your dad would love this, we should call him and tell him to check it out!” Etc. He knows their interests and seeks out contact and connection with them when he has no obligation to. He really loves my family and I love that… but man, do I feel guilty that I don’t return the feeling 🙁

Post # 11
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee

I felt that way in my first marriage,  and both sets of families were like that. 

This time I feel closer. Most of  fh’s  family is so authentic and welcoming. .. and I have no family near me except my sister. 

I just wish my fh could be closer to my family as it’s his nature. But it is not a big deal. And they are so far away. I was upset my father has never even spoken to my fh nor would he come to our wedding even with us paying. His loss. 

I was totally ambivalent about my ex mother in.law as she was cruel and standoffish. But some of my other in laws were great, just not close. 

 

Post # 12
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

My mum and dad have been married for 45 years. I dont think I’ve ever heard my mum to call my grandma, aunt or uncle form my dad’s side or visit them when she is in their hometown on her own. My SIL does occasionally spend time alone with my but it’s usually that they are visiting as a family and then everyone gets split due to activity interest.

If everything is polite and you socialize togethr, I’m not sure there is an issue. Not everyone is super close with their in laws. And I’m going to claim that majority of people don’t have a strong individual relationship with in laws.

Post # 13
Member
35 posts
Newbee

I think the only person that is not a blood family and i am very close to is my brother’s wife, and i really feel like she is family and would be very upset if anything happened to her. Other than her, i have no feelings whatsoever for any of my fiance’s family or even my extended family. I think it’s quite normal. Yes, i would be sad FOR HIM if his parents/sister died, but i wouldn’t feel like grieving myself. 

Post # 14
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would only be concerned if this might cause issues later on. If you plan on having kids would your fiancé expect you all to spend more time with his family and your child’s cousins? In that case this might be a deal breaker that won’t show up until later on. So I would discuss that with fiancé.

I’d also say that while you don’t have to spend crazy time integrating with his family, when you have kids sometimes you need to do things for the kids. What I mean is, it wouldn’t be fair to not put in the effort for your kids to spend time and get to know their cousins even if it wasn’t what you wanted to be doing. Kids deserve a support network and to know their cousins and grandparents as long as those family members are healthy, kind, and add value to your child’s life.

if you feel that you couldn’t deal at all with being around your in-laws enough to let your child have a relationship with them, than maybe this isn’t the right fit for you. At least it’s something to consider. 

Post # 15
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you or anything wrong with the situation (since your SO doesn’t seem bothered). I’m a little closer to SO’s family than he is to mine. His parents are almost second parents to me. They’re extremely relational, wonderful conversationalists, and very actively pulled me into the family. This has been such a huge unexpected gift – that my family (in the warm fuzzy sense) would double in size like it has. It might be worth trying to get to know them better for this reason. Maybe you could find more people who love you and love them back. But so much depends on the individual personalities. Maybe you’ve already discovered that and that’s why things are the way they are. 

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