(Closed) Inequality in sex….

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@LadyElva:  I think you need to tell Fiance what you just told us, maybe see a therapist to help with the discussion?  Sorry I don’t have more advice.

Post # 4
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyElva:  I don’t really have advice other than that seems incredibly unfair of him. It would be difficult enough to deal,with but with the trauma you’ve been through it must be that much more painful. I think you should have a very frank discussion about your feelings. Is this relationship going to be healthy for you?  (((hugs)))

Post # 6
Member
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Maybe it goes beyond the OCD and he’s doing it not to offend you out of fear of hurting you physically?

I don’t know if this is something you can solve yourself. Have you guys considered a sex therapist? Maybe you can find the source of his issues and you can figure out a way to work through them that works for you two.

Post # 7
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I rarely am on a “dump him” bandwagon around here but as a fellow rape survivor this makes me so angry. You deserve someone who is on your side, not someone who treats you like you are broken because of your abuse. I’m sorry, but this disgusts me! Screw him!

Post # 8
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

@CountryRose:  I’m going to have to agree with this lovely rose here. There’s nothing wrong with you. You aren’t disgusting. Vaginas are amazing. Fact. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@LadyElva:  You may be right.

What if he’s afraid you’d harbor some resentment or fear? Maybe he feels you’d see him like your attacker. I don’t think he is doing this to be selfish, truthfully, but you’d know your own SO better than I would. I think it’s pure fear as opposed to discomfort. He’s worried about making you uncomfortable in a physical, emotional or mental sense, which I can sympathize with but also see the intense frustration.

If I were you, if therapy is out of the question, I’d try having a really lengthy sex talk with him. Tell him there won’t be any judgement, just freedom to voice whatever might be on your mind. Take my advice with a grain of salt since you know him better than I, but if you suspect any of the things I’ve brought up, bring it up with him. Maybe compromise to start off real slow and see how both of you feel? Maybe fingers, or oral, or just touching? Maybe you can guide him to allow him to loosen up to the idea and/or to prove that you’re comfortable with it?

Not sure what else advice to give, but you both have my well wishes and sympathies. I hope things equal out for you.

Post # 12
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I hate to be the asshole who says this, but I feel like it needs to at least be addressed–are you sure he’s not gay? When you say all sexual contact happens above the waist, what does that mean, exactly? Have you had vaginal intercourse? Is it just that he doesn’t want to touch your vagina with his hands and/or mouth? How is his sex drive? 

Honestly, vaginas are NOT disgusting and it saddens me that your Fiance is behaving in such a way to make you feel that, particularly given your history as a survivor of sexual assault. Many/most heterosexual males find them quite beautiful–scars, quirks and all. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but to hammer home the point that this is in no way a reflection on you. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful and wanted on all levels–sexually, emotionally, intellectually. 

I find it very hard to believe that it is your scars that are causing your FI’s behavior, and I find his unwillingness to even talk about his sexual hang-ups at least as problematic as his behavior. Communication about difficult subjects is the foundation of all healthy relationships, and him shutting down over a topic that is clearly so important to your emotional well-being is a huge red flag in my opinion. Something’s not right here. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Post # 14
Member
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@pookiesmom:  Honestly, vaginas are NOT disgusting

They absolutely are. They smell, they drip, they ooze and weep, they get yeasty bits, blood spews them like fountains, babies waltz out of them… they’re constantly moist and, yeah. They’re pretty disgusting. I’m an owner of a vagina and you’ll never see me on the “Vaginas are beautiful and wonderful!” bandwagon. They’re gross axewounds.

Post # 15
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

@Hyperventilate:  I agree with you. I think he is trying to be very considerate. I think he is very conscious of what happened to you and doesn’t want to make you even the least bit uncomfortable.

I don’t have any other advice, but I am truly sorry for what happened to you <3

Post # 16
Member
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I work with a charity that is primarily online and all of the members communicate via forum. A lot of these women (primarily anyway) are victims, and I can name six moments off the top of my head without even researching the archived posts where their husbands had completely accidentally triggered them, and a few of them had claimed to be “emotionally rock solid” on the situation.

Sometimes it just happens, and while I’ve not been a victim, I can understand, and my suspicion is that may be his fear.

If he triggers you, you might see him differently. It’s the whole “An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure.”

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