(Closed) Inequality in sex….

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 47
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

That’s great that you’ve been very open with him. It’s a healing process, and honesty is best. Maybe he is fearful that he will somehow make you uncomfortable,perhaps directly ask him if it has anything to do with your past that makes him not want to touch your vagina? Whether the case or not, gently tell him that you really want and need him to be accepting of your body and your sexual needs. Sex is great, but foreplay helps the connection as well … maybe he just has little experience down there and he needs your guidance and confidence to let him know where to touch or what to do!? Maybe bring home some ‘him and her’ lube and see where the night goes? If that’s the case (lack of knowledge) I wouldn’t ask a lot questions and just make it a fun and non-pressured experience…when he sees how much fun you’re having, he’s bound to try it again.

Post # 48
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@LadyElva: Thanks for the response! That’s wonderful that you have such a solid foundation of friendship to build on. I’m not suggesting that you should break up necessarily, but I continue to think that therapy (individual for him & couple’s or sex therapy for you both) should be non-negotiable if you truly want lines of communication to open up. It’s also (as many others have pointed out) not fair of him to take an attitude of “oh, it’s just my OCD” when it comes to why he doesn’t want to touch you down there…especially when it seems that neither he nor you know the magnitude or specifics of his OCD.

Good luck!

Post # 49
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think sex is a reason to break up with someone. But I do believe that you and he need to see a couples councelor. Your SO is supposed to make you feel better about yourself not disgusted with yourself.


I’m so sorry what you went through and I don’t think that it has caused your SO to be disgusted with you. If anything maybe he’s afraid of hurting you like the man from your past did. Otherwise it’s something on him why he is the way he is, not you.


My Fiance told me when we first met the he enjoyed going down on women (You get tmi when you do a lot of drinking in the early stages of relationships). After we became sexual he never really did that for me, I brought it up a couple times and he still didn’t do it. I started to get upset and think it was me that caused this, maybe I was different and he just didn’t like the flavor so to speak.

Well it was my mixed signals that stopped him from doing it. When he would try I would get uncomfortable at first and he thought this meant I didn’t like it. But it didn’t I didn’t realize that’s how he felt and he didn’t realize how I felt.


So basically what I’m saying is maybe without realizing there are signals you are giving off that make him think it’s a no zone? There could be any number of reasons for his behavior and if he doesn’t want to talk about it with you maybe you two need councelling. But I agree sex is no reason for a break up

Post # 50
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@LadyElva:  :-/ I wouldn’t dump him for doing that but he should be admitting it’s an issue to be worked on willing to seek professional help if his aversion is that strong. If he refuses to see it as a problem, that’s a much more dumpable offense than having the problem in the first place.

Post # 51
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

His resistance to even talk about this and the fact that he feels comfortable telling you to stop bringing it up makes me wonder about the power dynamics in your relationship. I don’t tell my partner to stop bringing something up and he certainly does not tell me to either. Just talking about something should always be on the table even if he does not know what to say– he could say, I really don’t know what to say, I feel scared/grossed out/etc/etc. I think necessity is the mother of invention, and since you’re completely sexually satisfying him, he has no motivation to change any of his behaviors. I would withold sex until he can have an adult conversation with you about this. Then he’ll understand how serious the lack of communication really is.

Post # 52
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As sexual desire and RESPECT is a HUGE part of a marriage and that healthy relationship… I have to say that your post disturbs me greatly.

I personaly wouldn’t marry this man without going thru some significant counselling about these issues (and for me at least I am reading here more than one issue)

Acceptance of the other person is KEY in a marriage… and being able to work thru things like this (sexual difficulties) is very important (and this is true of ALL Marriages, because at some point in time there will be sexual issues / difficulties… for everyone)

IF he says his issues are OCD related, then he should be getting some counselling to come to terms with those issues (so he can be the best husband possible for you… what he should want / strive to be as your Fiance)

BUT all that aside, there are sexual issues here you both have to deal with… honestly his behaviour is taking its toll on you and your mental health

Altho I APPLAUD you for obviously being able to get strong now and deal with the issues that the Rape caused you (looks to me like you have a very healthy attitude about your sexuality… and working thru issues… such as penis acceptance).

YOU are not responsible for WHAT HE IS FEELING ABOUT YOU in regards to sex … these are HIS HANG UPS NOT YOURS.

And as I said, quite frankly they are RED FLAGS for me… when you LOVE someone enough to want to marry them, then you should LOVE and ACCEPT ALL OF THEM

His reactions towards your vagina are very disturbing… he is only amplifying what you’ve been thru (and made great inroads in regards to recovery from)… this man is dragging you down thru his lack of embracing, ACCEPTING and LOVING your vagina as part of you

I mean seriously… he ONLY wants his penis to touch it !!?  WTF !!

To me this clearly shows he isn’t fully accepting of you… he is clearly sending you a message that your vagina is not normal.

Honestly, your vagina may not look like most (but then again no 2 vaginas look alike any how).  BUT it is yours.

IF he can only be “around it” to have penetration sex… then he is quite frankly using your orfice for his own pleasure

So ya I wouldn’t settle for this behaviour at all… not now when you are Engaged (a time when it should be super difficult to keep your hands off each other)… Because down the road you could be facing a sexless marriage and that my dear truly sucks (and leaves one feeling really sad, confused, unloved and even ugly)

And with all that you’ve been thru… and as far as you’ve come… you deserve sooo much more out of life.

So ya, he needs to go get some counselling for his OCD issues, and the two of you should go see a Sex Therapist too so you can fully understand what is going on in your relationship, how to move past it, and how to have a happy healthy functional and sexual marriage.

(( HUGS ))


Post # 53
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Thistimearound says it very well. I don’t believe vaginas are nasty at all and women who feel that way have a some major issues in my opinion. Your Fiance needs help and while sex may not be terribly important for the health of your relationship, how he feels about a beautiful part of you is a problem. You went through a horrible thing, but you survived and should be with a man who empowers you. I’m sorry, but this may be hard to hear: a man who treats this very essential part of your womanhood with disdain is only continuing the horror and reject a vital part of you. I’d seriously seek counseling before deciding to commit to a life with him.

Post # 54
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I know that you have tried talking to him about it, but have you been as blunt as this:

 Long story short, I feel like crap. I’ve worked really hard to stop seeing my vagina as a disgusting thing (still, they’re not the nicest thing in the world), so to have my fiancé act like it’s something he cannot even bear the thought of touching really sets me back in that respect. On top of that, I wasn’t comfortable with penises when we first started having sex, but I worked through it and now I’m comfortable with any aspects of sex, so I feel cheated that he doesn’t seem to think this is a big deal or anything worth talking about, let alone working on.

Does he REALLY know how it makes you feel? Or when you talk to him about it do you try to sugar coat it (which we are all guilty of I’m sure, I know I am). 

If you can’t say something like this to his face, then write him a very serious letter about exactly how this is making you feel. 

If you HAVE talked to him as bluntly as this then I think you just need to do it again, and again and again, until he realises that this IS a big deal and that it does affect you. 

I am not usually one to suggest using sex as a bargaining tool, however,  because this is sex related and I can easily see how him refusing to touch you could make you feel badly about yourself, if he still refuses to listen I would start refusing sex. But make it clear why! State that all you think about during sex is: “Please, touch me, please, please, please, this time, please touch me” and then when he doesn’t you feel like crap and just want it over with. 

*hugs* I’m sure that you two will work it out. 

P.S. If all else fails perhaps you should show him this post. Seeing all of these other people giving reasons for the “whys” and saying that he is selfish might make him finally question what he is doing and/or finally open up to you about the real reasons why he doesn’t like it.


Post # 55
47 posts
  • Wedding: November 2011


        “…the thought of ‘confronting’ any scars that I’ve got down there. As things are, for the most part the sexual assault isn’t “real” to him, but I think any physical evidence down there might make him realise exactly what I went through”

        I think you pretty much might have the answer (I’m not a phsycoligist though) but I try to put myself on his place and… really, REALLY, it must be VERY hard to know that someone you love deeply went through something that horrible (there’s really a  lack of words to even name something that horrible that the abuser did). Maybe it’s not that your Fiance doesn’t want to know about it; maybe it is just that he ALREADY KNOWS but he just can’t stand it. I mean, I wouldn’t stand it myself if something like that would happen to anyone in my family. I would definitely have the feeling of wanting to KILL the abuser at just the thought of what he did, besides the feeling of anger, sadness, being impotent, etc., and none of these feelings are “allowed” when making love. As you said, maybe the physical evidence you have down there trigger those feelings on him against your abuser. The single act of making love involves that both persons are 200% happy, 200% comfortable and prepared.The feelings of anger, sadness, etc., would empede the total devotion that involves making love, ’cause love is not made of those ugly feelings (Do you know what I mean?).

       I really admire you because seems like you’re now able to speak so openly about this abuse. Maybe you can tell your Fiance that it’s not this past of yours what hurts you, but it is the fact that HE, your Fiance, makes more space in his mind to that moment of abuse than to ALL those moments that YOU BOTH as a couple can enjoy together if he could just stop being sorry. I know it sounds too easy to go and say “hey you! Just stop being sorry!”, ’cause it’s not that easy. But I think that, if you SHOW him, with time and happiness, that you recognize that moment as a part of your past but that it is a past that no longer hurts you, maybe he will start to leave that moment behind too. Remember that if your Fiance loves you so much, then he is connected to you and you’re both one. 

         Obviously, take this advise only if you recognize that this is really what is happening to him because, otherwise, if it has something to do with his OCD, then you could just ignore my post.

Post # 56
47 posts
  • Wedding: November 2011

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I forgot to add: I don’t think your Fiance is doing anything on purpose. If he were doing it on purpose, it would be waaaay easier for him to stop doing it (because he would be conscious about his action). However, judging by your posts here, I don’t think it’s easy for him to recognize his “error” -which I don’t think is an “error” at all but a feeling inside him; a feeling that comes from knowing about what you went through-.

         I don’t think that any feeling can just “go away” just because we want it to go away. If that were the case, it would make things way easier for the whole world, Don’t you bees think? BUT, unfortunately, I’m affraid that feelings can’t go away by just analizing why we feel them. We can analize the reasons of our feelings, that’s for sure; but that won’t make feelings go away. I think what I’m just trying to say that there’s a chance that your Fiance won’t be able to give you that particular thing you’re asking from him, to be down there -at least not in the way you’re asking from him-. 

          In case I’m right and this is what’s happening to your Fiance (which only you could tell), I wouldn’t push him if I were you (judging by one of your posts, you wouldn’t either). I know we all bees are different and give different importance to different needs but we really need to weigh up the importance we give to it VS the pressure we generate in our life partner. You would have to ask yourself if that pressure on your partner would worth it. I think you mentioned that he actually gets physically inside you when you both make love, and if you add to this that he makes you happy in all the other areas of your life, that he is kind, caring, trust worthy, etc., I really don’t know why giving such importance to this particular issue (obviously, just consider that I’m trying not to sound rude with any of my comments, O.K?).

Post # 57
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LadyElva:  If this issue really does stem from OCD, avoidance just makes it worse. I would also encourage him to see a therapist.

I’m wondering too if he feels this way about all vaginas and not just yours. 

Post # 58
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@This Time Round:  +1

A little story about my past: My ex husband and I had a great partnership/marriage. He is a great man. We had a great sex life, in all aspects….until I got pregnant with my 1st child. He started to register that in his mind that I was his child’s mother, instead of a woman with needs. A tramatic birth story later and our sexual relationship weithered and died. I had no idea why. I tried to talk to him. We got viagra from the doctor, we tried herbs, everything.

When we seperated some 12 years later I found out that he could not look at my vaginia without seeing a baby’s head crowning out of it. (Which is why he lost his erection anytime it came down to doing the deed or going down on me at all.) It pyschologically scarred him. I have a history of sexual abuse when I was a child. I cannot tell you what living all of those years was like to not feel sexually desired by the one person who is supposed to love you in all ways. I had a horrific self esteem.

Please take care that this does not happen to you. Sexual disfunctions can break down the best of marriages over time. Communication is extremely important. Have you tried to touch yourself during to foreplay time? I say this because I firmly believe that a woman is just as responsible for a mutually satifying experience as a man is to provide it and it may open up communication that he is just incrediably turned off by vaginias (which he should seek sex therapy about).

Post # 59
1789 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Hyperventilate:  I was thinking that too

I know you dont want to hear this(since you said dumping him wasnt an option) but if he doesnt understand your needs, and has such a hard time with discussing it, ultimatum time.

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