- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Hi everyone, I’m sorry if this is long.
Friend insensitively told me she was having an oops baby 30 seconds after I told her of my infertility. I got pregnant, miscarried, and two of my best friends completely shut me out, didn’t try to reach out to me at all. After little contact for 1 month I get a text about my pregnant friend’s baby shower. What do I do.
To preface this I don’t live in the same city as my friends (4 hours away).
During the summer my friend and I organized a time to talk on the phone, she asked how I was doing. I’d been struggling to get pregnant and was very recently diagnosed with PCOS and was having a hard time dealing with it. I told my friend everything, the blood tests, appointments, twanding (twat wanding ultrasounds, bain of my existence!). She said something vague and then said, “Speaking of ultrasounds…” and then proceeded to tell me how she got pregnant on her wedding night, they weren’t trying, only had sex once and that “I guess I’m one of the 2% Plan B doesn’t work for!”. Guys, this conversation is burned into my brain. It felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I choked back tears and asked a bunch of questions and then abruptly cut off the conversation when I couldn’t hold it together any more. It was a very low point for me emotionally and I was (and still am) so incredibly hurt at how she handled telling me that news. She ended up messaging me later in the day apologising, and then sent me another one the following day, which I did end up responding to once I was in the right head space.
I found out I was pregnant after taking femara. I was estatic, but something didn’t feel right from the start. In early December (my birthday, actually) I found out I was going to miscarry. Just thinking about that day and the pain I felt is making me cry. 3 ultrasounds and 2 blood tests later, it’s confirmed. I took misoprostal, took a trip to the hospital, and ended up having a D&C. I called one of my best friends (not the pregnant one) to tell her what I was going through. She did not handle it well and it was really awkward. I asked her if she could pass on the news to our other close friends as I didn’t think I could handle it at the moment. She did, and I got a couple texts within the next few days. After that, silence. From my two best friends. Not a call, text, not a “how are you doing?”. Literally nothing. That really hurt as well, because it minimized what I was going through and made it feel as though my baby didn’t exist or matter, which is something I was already struggling with.
It’s now early January. I’m visting family in the city that my friends live in, and end up running into one of my friend’s mothers, who is surprised to see me as she didn’t know I was back. I was trying to return incognito as the holidays were really tough and I didn’t feel like socializing. I end up getting together with my friends for breakfast and they didn’t ask how I was doing. Completely ignored that my miscarriage had ever happened! They asked how my holidays were, and I said they had been hard with everything that had happened. I was trying to kind of open the door, let them know it was okay to talk about. Polite nods from my friends. Quick topic change. I left feeling extremely hurt about how they had been treating me during the hardest time of my life, a time where I needed support.
Early February I get a message from my pregnant friend apologising for how she had treated me. It was nice and I cried, but still felt pretty hurt and betrayed by people who I’d been friends with since I was 13. To be honest I haven’t responded to it because I’m not sure how to. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know how to stop feeling angry, and I still feel a lot of grief from my miscarriage.
Radio silence on all fronts until a I got a text yesterday from my friend for my email address for invitations to our pregnant friend’s baby shower. I don’t want to go for two reasons. One, I’m still hurt about how my friends have been towards me and I think it’ll make for a really uncomfortable atmosphere as clearly things are not okay between us all. We have a pretty small group of friends. Two, I don’t want to put on a happy fake smiling face and play baby shower games because I know I’ll be hurting the whole time. I feel like I’ll be testing the limits of what I can and cannot handle. If I had to guess based on how I’m feeling now, I’d say I’ll likely cry at some point durng the shower.
Do I try to mend things between us all by pulling myself together and going to the shower? Or do I politely decline and send a gift and a message as to why? This is all new territory for me (and my group of friends- no one except my husband and I have purposefully tried for a baby).
If you made it to the end, internet hugs. I’d love advice and please be gentle if you can. Thank you.