(Closed) Infertility, loss, and my friend's baby shower.

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
7155 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly, the way your friend told you she was pregnant was extemely insensitive, but I think you need to message her back and have a real conversation with her. That’s the first step.  You need to open the conversation because they might honestly be afraid of upsetting you or getting you mad.

If you want them to be there for you, you need to be there for them. I know it’s difficult 🙁 but you love these girls.

I’m so sorry about everything. It’s definitely not easy. *hugs* and babydust to you ❤

Post # 3
Member
15279 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While the m/c may be very live in your thoughts, that’s not how it’s going to be with others.  The way I see it, no one is going to want to bring it up such a painful event and make you think about it and relive it over and over again by asking about how you feel about it.  There’s only one answer to that question anwyays, it fucking sucks… it did when it happened, it always will.  There’s just no other answer to the question of how you feel about it, so why bring up the pain for no reason.  

I told one friend of my first m/c cause she kept asking me about vacations.  Yes, normally a wonderful topic, but for me lately it’s been consolations prizes.  So even talking about vacations was starting to be painful so I told her no plans cause I cant plan diddly with my fertility treatment and the last one which I booked on a whim was cause of my m/c.  She apolgized and told me she didn’t realize, which of course I knew.  We talked about it a little.  And that was it.  No mention of it ever again.  She didn’t follow up weeks later and ask how it was, or what my plans are, etc.  To me, this is a private issue, and I don’t expect anyone to bring it up to me.  She only talks about it if I bring it up, which is exactly how I like it, and how I think most people are.

As for the shower, if you don’t think you can handle it, don’t go.  A 4 hour drive is a long way to go anyways.  My last childless friend got pregnant after trying “a while” (probably a little less than a year) and having a shower next month.  It’s 40 minutes away and i see her regularly for other events, but I’m not going to go.  She has no idea what I’ve been going through (4.5 years, 7 IVF retrivals, 2 m/c).  After she made it sound like she dealt with infertility treatments, I was going to tell her, but turns out she didnt, so I didn’t want to share my grim news so she may wonder why I didn’t come…. but oh well.

Post # 4
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

dont go to the baby shower and the pregnant friends was an arse, I would cut her out personally for my own sanity

 

I have 8 years of infertility under my belt and a loss too so I get how hard it is to try and be excited when people insesativly spill there pregnancy on you when really you just want to cry

 

however you cant put your miscarriage on others… what you are asking is unfair on your friends, asking your friend to tell others and talk about a miscarriage is not normal and forces them into an uncomfortable corner. plus they likely either have no point of comparasion and dont understand or they have been through it themseleves and dont want to relive it and you should never of put it on them to spread your private medical history around thats just awkward for everyone and as cruel as it sound (and ive had a loss too) this just isnt their problem and isnt their world… they should be tactful with pregnancy things but not be expected to be put in the poistion of taking on some else grief

the father SHOULD be your support through this, if he is absen or not helping and you are struggling there are lots of great online support groups and probably local ones if you google, I dont know if your religous (even if not) churches are a great support usually and they will listen and talk, ours offer recognision to miscarried babys and even hold prayer/naming ceremonies/memorial and have keepsakes for parents (many charities do this too) so its worth looking into it

 

its sad but just as with weddings no one else cares about your loss as you do… its not something they saw, felt, knew, loved, lost like you did so its not something they can feel grief over

Post # 5
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So this might be harsh, but I feel like you’re throwing away some good friendships because of how raw your emotions are. This girl apologized twice, so it’s not like she doesn’t care. 

The truth is that no matter what they do or say, you’re going to be in pain. There is no way around the loneliness of grief. That doesn’t mean others shouldn’t try to support you, and here they failed you. 

But support is a two way street. You don’t want to support her pregnancy or hear about it because it upsets you. That’s your right, but it’s not supportive. How is she to know how to broach this topic with you, to leave you out or include you.

they definitely could have been more supportive, but I think you are expecting them to ease this pain and no matter what, that’s sadly not going to happen. It’s a good idea to share those feelings with women who have been there and get where you’re coming from, so you can get the support you deserve. Our best friends can’t be all things and can’t be our biggest emotional support when our need is huge. That drains and strains adult friendships.

Im sorry if this is off base or painful to read. I just don’t want to see you alienate yourself from people who care enough to say they’re sorry unless you’ve determined through other encounters that they just DGAF. 

I wouldn’t go to the shower if you can’t handle it emotionally. But there is no need to share that info, because that would be making her shower about you. Just wish her well and send regrets, a present if you want.

Post # 6
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

Hugs and more hugs from someone who knows.

Other women don’t know what to say, even those who love you most.

When I was experiencing this, there were RULES for what to say and what NOT to say following a pregnancy loss. One of the things woman were told NEVER to say was one of the ONLY things I ever wanted to hear.

Pregnant women may function in pregnancy brain. They may say things or mit saying the kinder things, that would never happen except for their hormone besotted state.

In the years in which I was going through this many of my friends and acquaintances were having joyful, successful pregnancies. I did not intellectually decide to do so, but I ultimately came to rejoice vicariously with them. I actually gave a baby shower in my own home for a friend and neighbor, and had just lost a pregnancy, which we hadn’t announced, that would have had me delivered at the same time as she.

Always, ALWAYS foremost in my mind was my solid faith that I WOULD become a mother, and ultimately I did, twice.

Try with all your heart not to succumb to misery. With that, facing forward toward your hopes you can become surprisingly strong.

My lost dearies will always and forever be a part of me but I am grateful to have found peace. Mourn and then seek joy. That’s really all we “phantom moms” need to hope for.

 

Post # 7
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

No matter what anyone says you’re not going to feel better about this. The other bees are right: while it’s all you can think about they probably don’t want to talk about it, it’s not them going through it. 

If you need support get it from the person you are going through this with, not people outside of the situation. 

Post # 10
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
achilles :  straight up you are correct. MC is very difficult and hard to handle for many people. People don’t talk about it openly like they would an illness or a broken bone. This is hard but it will pass, don’t waste your friendships because they are handling this horribly. 

I think you should ultimately skip the baby shower because it will be too hard for you and I suspect your friend will understand because of the situation. 

Post # 11
Member
6873 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
achilles :  I think the women who have miscarried themselves have given you what is probably the best replies.  I just wanted to address this in your response: I don’t necessarily think it’s unfair of me to expect them to ask how I’m doing, which is how my group of friends has handled other losses over the years (pets, grandparents, other family members).  From a woman who has not experienced anything – and this attitude is very likely to be hurtful to you, but you need to hear it – it’s probably because what happened is not real to them.  I can honestly say that the one I am carrying did not feel real to me and had I lost it early, I’m not sure I would have responded with much more than “oh well, I can try again”.  So now let’s assume your friends either never struggled with their own fertility or haven’t even tried yet.  It’s not real, they don’t understand your struggle and they probably think you’re making a big deal over nothing.  

I can’t tell how far along you were from your post, but I’m assuming it wasn’t enough to be noticeable to others.  So they know you’re upset, but they really don’t know why.  As such, they can’t mourn with you and they’re not going to think of asking you how you feel because it wasn’t tangible like pets or grandparents.  When it does come up, they have no clue what to say and want to just get the hell out of that conversation.  It sucks, it’s painful, but I can 100% see that perspective and it’s probably hard for you to see at this point (also totally understandable).  Some things just have to be mourned in private, but I don’t think your friends are failing you, they just don’t know what to do or how, 1 or 2 months later, to move on with you.  It sounds like they realize when they screw up, feel bad and apologize well if they can have time to think it through and write it.  Then they screw up again, but they are trying.  Try to be the bigger person in an awkward and sad situation and don’t bail on your friends over this.

(I hope you realize that I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but just to help span the abyss between those who do and don’t understand what your loss means)

Post # 12
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
achilles :  my friend had a miscarriage just before her wedding. I knew about the pregnancy and she sent me a text letting me know and that she didn’t want to talk about it. Honestly? That was a relief. Not because I don’t want to support my friend or care what she’s going through. I’ve never been pregnant so obviously never had a MC so I don’t know her pain. It’s only since being on these boards that I’ve got more of a glimpse into the pain of a MC. But what do I say to her? There are no words that can ease her pain. When you’re 15 and all the girls have their separate period class at school, we aren’t told ‘this is what you say to a friend who has a MC’. Do I tell her she’ll get pregnant again? Do I tell her it’ll be ok? Does she want to hear those things or can she not face that idea at the minute? The only words I could find to say to her was that I was sorry.

I don’t bring her MC up because I don’t want to hurt her. I know that with grief sometimes the hurt is just below the surface and the smallest things will bring it all to the surface where it can’t be controlled or sometimes you can get by and things won’t upset you the same. I never want to hurt my friend but any time I send her a random thing to cheer her up it’s because I think she needs to be happy, she’s gone through so much.

Now that doesn’t mean you can’t tell them you’re sad and you’re hurting. It just means you might need to take ge lead if you feel you need to talk about it with them.

I think your friend was insensitive in how she handled telling you. However, I don’t think it was planned or malicious. I think most of us have probably handled something insensitively at some point, when we are caught off guard or we’ve built ourselves up to say something and the conversation hasn’t gone as planned. The ‘speaking of ultrasounds’ suggests to me that she was wanting to tell you and found herself in a position she didn’t expect. (This is providing she doesn’t make a habit of being insensitive or needing attention). I also think she apologised after and it takes a lot to say she was wrong. Yes you were right to be upset. Obviously this is a case of break a plate on the floor, say sorry, is it repaired? Sorry doesn’t make the pain and hurt go away, which is what you’re feeling. However, in this situation I don’t think there’s a lot more that she can do. You’re both now in this slightly awkward phase. If you want the relationship you might need to forgive her, your relationship might never be the same again, and take the lead on talking about your loss.

I’m sorry about your loss.

Post # 13
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
achilles :  Not sure why people don’t talk about MC the way they do about other losses.  Especially when it’s so common–When I finally started talking about my MC to others, the most common response I got was “It happened to me/someone I’m close to too”

For me it wasn’t about people knowing what to say, but just the fact that people cared enough to say anything to me at all—while it didn’t exactly comfort me, I did appreciate deeply, if that makes any sense. I don’t think there’s any point for people to worry about “bringing up painful memories” because it’s not like you aren’t living it every minute of every day anyway when it’s so recent. 

I also skipped a baby shower that took place a few months after my MC.  It wasn’t for a close friend but someone my husband worked with (they have a small close-knit office). You know what you can handle. If you think you can’t, then personally I would not risk ruining the day for your best friend if there’s a good chance that you will have to make your exit suddenly and probably rather dramatically.  

I don’t think it’s weird at all that you had a friend tell your other friends. That’s exactly what I did.  When it happened it was shortly before my wedding.  I had only just told my bridesmaids that I was pregnant, and then when I miscarried, I asked my best friend/photographer to tell my bridesmaids the news because I didn’t think I could myself. No one held it against me.  

#Ithappenedtometoo. It’s kind of sort of like TTC: You don’t know when it will happen but it WILL happen, that one day you’ll wake up and things will be better.  

Post # 14
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

So sorry for your loss. I posted something really similar last month after my SIL didn’t acknowledge my miscarriage, didn’t speak to me for months, then suddenly text me an invite to her baby shower without saying anything else. So I completely get it!

I think it’s a combination of people not knowing what to say, and it not being as big a deal to them. After my first MC all my family and friends contacted me frequently to see how I was/let me know they were thinking of me. After the second, some haven’t acknowledged it at all. It’s like they think I’m just used to it by now. 

Hugs bee! I wouldn’t go to the shower if I were you.

Post # 15
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

its ok if you dont go to the shower. If you still consider her a good friend, jist send her a gift with well wishes.

Also agree with others that often times people dont understand..its like the fetus wasnt real yet so people might not think its as big of a deal or feel uncomfortable talking about it. I know its real and painful to you. I hope you can give your friends a  pass on this and if needed get support from husband, parents, or therapist.

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