(Closed) UPDATE:Infidelity/Aftermath: Personal Stories Only Please…I need perspective

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@Jewelieee:  Holy SHIT. What a sociopath. I literally want to drive a pencil right through his throat. I hate people that just use and abuse.

Post # 33
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My SO cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and I found out when his ex told us she was pregnant. There was another sexting incident about a year in. It was the most devastating time of my life. 4 years later, we’re in a great place. SO and I are different people, our relationship is strong and our communication has never been better. He’s my best friend. I love SS as if he was my own and I can’t imagine not being able to be a part of that little boy’s life. Bio mom and I have a fairly good relationship and can text and communicate easily. I wouldn’t say we are friends but we’re in a good place and respect each other.

There’s nothing in my life now that I would want to lose or change, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t regret being emotionally destroyed in the process. It took me a few years to be able to trust him again and for him to trust in our relationship. When I think back to me at 19, I was so naive.  The year that she was pregnant and the first year of SS’s life was the darkest period of my life. I remember one night that I was taking a shower and I was just weeping so hard that my knees gave out and I kneeled there in the water just feeling the most intense sorrow and anger. The night that my SS was born was one of the worst nights of my life, though I feel guilty saying that now.  I think back to the days and months leading up to when we found out she was pregnant and all the signs and clues I ignored. I want to go back and shake 19 year old me and say “open your eyes. You don’t know how much he is going to hurt you.” And it’s true, the man that I love more than anything, the man who I have chosen to be my life partner is the same man that caused me the most acute pain I’ve ever felt. It’s a tough thing to reconcile within yourself and forgiving him was not easy. It took a really, really long time and honestly if I went back, I can’t say that i would do it all over again. What we have now, how we have grown and healed and changed is really amazing. What we built is amazing. Our partnership is the kind I want for life. but I’ll never forget the incredible pain he caused me 4 years ago. I’ll never say “yes I’m glad I went through that” because truly, I’m not. It was horrible. It destroyed me and I was walking around broken for a very long time. It changed me and left a scar.

I don’t know what you should do. If you stay, it will be hard. You’ll hate him at times, you’ll punish him. You’ll say you’ve forgiven him and then the anger will bubble up when you’re not expecting it. He’ll resent you because he’ll be doing all he can to gain your trust back. You will fight and cry and hurt. Eventually, bit by bit, you’ll heal. Trust can be regained but it’s going to be an uphill battle and it will take much longer than you expect it to. If you make it out and heal enough that you can start to rebuild, it’s entirely possible that you will share something beautiful with him. but it is an incredibly difficult road. I knew that I was not willing to let my SO go though I had absolutely no logical reason for feeling that way. I think that each and every one of us has a point when we say “ok, enough now.” I never reached that point and I was never willing to walk away. It doesn’t sound like you are either.

Post # 34
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t really know what advice to give you because my ex cheated on me and trying to work through it was no good in the end. But that could be totally irrelevant to your situation, it really does depend otithe relationship I guess and it’s not as simple as sticking a label on it.

I guess what I wanted to say really is that im sending you a big hug because I have been there before and I know it’s pretty soul destroying. No one really expects to get cheated on. How ever It works out for you, I hope it’s for the best x 

Post # 35
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Jellybones:  wow I have nothing to say that can compare to that… but I think this is a really good example of the emotional damage that cheating/mistrust causes, and that every relationship is SO different. I’d definitely say “LEAVE HIS CHEATING ASS,” but I also know how hard it is to leave someone who’s done you wrong… and that some people are capable of change, if they really want it, and some relationships are capable of healing. But it takes a lot.

Post # 36
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983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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@lanalnoco:  I don’t want people to think that I don’t love my SO or my SS. I love them both so so so much and I’m SO excited for our future. But just because we recovered and our now thriving doesn’t mean that what happened didn’t leave an irreversible mark on me. I think it’s important to be honest about the fact that you can forgive but not forget. A big part of us learning to trust each other was to talk very honestly about the hurt that we incurred on one another, through his betrayal and through my punishing him for it for years. I didn’t know it at the time but acknowledging how severely we hurt one another was a huge part of forgiving and moving forward. It was really important that we were honest about the fact that it happened and it is part of our story.

Post # 37
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

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@oldrockingchair:  I’ve been cheated on thrice.

When I was living with ex, I accidentally found out that he was sending e-mails to his ex, asking her to take him back. She wrote back in very passionate and loving terms but said she couldn’t possibly do that. They dedicated songs to each other, he plagiarised one of my poems that I wrote for him and dedicated it to her, called her “practically his wife” and repeatedly asked if there was any chance that she would change her mind. He used to call her on the phone. I even caught him setting an alarm on his phone just so he could wish her on her birthday at midnight. 

Believe it or not, I forgave him for it and gave him another chance. He rewarded me by having phone sex with another girl. He used to ask me to remain very quiet during these calls, and always took them in the other room. Initially I though he was talking to his boss, until I got suspicious and decided to listen at the door. 

Kick my ass if you want but AGAIN I forgave him. Well, this time he just flirted with random girl on FB. After that I didn’t care whether he cheated or not. I had detached myself emotionally. This is not a healthy mindset, though, and I would never advice any woman to be like this. For me, I just wanted to spare myself further heartache. 

Ultimately it was his abusive nature, coupled with his unfaithfulness that led to the end of our relationship. There – that’s my experience with cheating. 

Post # 38
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Jellybones:  Yeah, it really struck me what you said about loving SS like your own now, but being terribly depressed through the pregnancy, the night he was born, and the first year of his life. I can’t imagine that. Of course you’d feel resentful and angry and sad and all sorts of awful things… but it’s beautiful that now you love him and he’s your family. Life is complicated and painful, but you can work through the pain everyone is invested in doing so, I think.

Post # 39
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

When I was 17-20, I very seriously dated a guy-we will call him J. He was the first guy I ever thought I’d really marry, he was my first adult relationship (I had a high school sweetheart but it was on and off, and thoughts never went to the future). J and I spent all our time together between college classes and working, I thought we’d be married by 22 and be young, fun parents…Fast forward to the month before our 2 year anniversary: I was watching a movie with J and was falling in and out of sleep. In my sleepy haze, I heard his cell phone ring, noticed that he looked at the screen to see who was calling, and then put the phone down.

I heard his voicemail alert go off, and then he left the room. I assumed he was trying to be quiet for me since he knew I was falling asleep. The next morning, I called him from work. When he didn’t answer, something in my gut told me to check his voicemail messages (He had told me the code for some reason). Sure enough, there was a message “Hi hun! It’s R____, I just wanted to say I had a great time and you are too cute. I got a new phone and I’m trying to figure it out, the # is ____________” Well, guess who never forgot that phone #?? I could recite it right now… I called her, and she confirmed that they had met at the gym and exchanged numbers, he told her that he was newly single and had just broken up with a crazy girl.

I confronted him and he lied about it. Then, he lied about it some more..and for some reason, I didn’t run. I wanted to believe him so bad. I’d call her regularly to ask what he said, then compare what he told her to what he told me. I made myself crazy. We continued on, with him saying they were just friends, he became friends w/her brother, she wanted him but he didn’t do anything about it…every lie you could ever imagine. I continued checking his VM (idiot never changed the password), and she continued to call. One night, he went MIA and stopped answering his phone. I found out later that he had spent the night at her house. I was routinely going through his phone looking for her number, and it was constantly under a different guy’s name in disguise. Looking back, I’d smack my former self…it was crushing my trust in anyone, ruining the idea that I was worthy of an honest man. We stayed together for 8 months after I found out before I realized I’d never ever forgive or trust him, even though they had stopped seeing each other. Months after I dumped him, I had gone out drinking one night and decided in a fit of rage to call him at 4am and tell him exactly what scum he was…but he didn’t answer. So, AGAIN, I checked his voicemail. There was now a message from a girl saying that she loved him, he was going to be a great daddy, he was so so sexy…I hung up, called back, and left him my own message full of curses and words I’d never say now…The pathological liar called me back saying that he never slept with anyone after me, that he was still “so f-ed up in the head” because of me. Unreal.To this day, when I think of him, my blood boils over all of the lies I believed for months. It took me over a year to trust Fiance, and not think I had to look through his phone. I don’t think I could ever try to forgive a cheater again…it really rattled me and at times I felt like I was the one who was crazy, and I was questioning my own sanity and what was real in this world. 

The irony?? This girl, R, was in my ETHICS class during my undergrad degree. She followed me to the bookstore to apologize and wanted to talk about everything…um, no thanks.

Post # 41
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

When DH and I first started dating I cheated on him with his best friend. Not my proudest moment by far. I fessed up and came clean. Four years later I have never done anything like that again. I never thought I would do something like that, but I honestly think you can predict it. Idefinitely don’t believe the sentiments “once a cheater always a cheater” or “if I was cheated  on I would leave”, because in reality it’s not that simple. Love is complicated, love is hard- a good relationship is not going to be 100% perfect. It’s not about your mistakes and who did what, it’s about how you came through all the difficulties.
 

DH, then SO, said he never thought about Leaving. He said one mistake does not define our relaionship or change my love for you. We worked hard to get to a good place, and it was worth every moment. Our relationship is transparency and I believe we wouldNt be here today if that didn’t happen.

 

Every relationship has a make or break moment, make the decision which is right for you regardless of what everyone else says.

If you wish to talk more feel free to pm me. 

Post # 43
Member
44 posts
Newbee

My ex boyfriend cheated on me after three years of being together. I decided to stick with him and try to make it work. It’s true that you never know how you’ll react to a situation until you’re in it yourself. You can forgive, but forgetting something that hurtful cannot be forgotten. To me, I couldn’t get passed it. I couldn’t live in a life where I was constantly worried every time his phone went off late at night or I called him and he didn’t pick up. It wasn’t healthy. Some people may be able to work through cheating but not me. If it happened to me again I would leave. You may think you trust him again, but deep down there will always be thus “what if” thought in the back of your head. Not worth it to me…. 

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