(Closed) Initiating conversation…What if the girl didn’t bring up at all?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think the lucky 20% of women would still get proposed to within 1-2 years (their guys are the ones who GET IT), and the rest of us would be twiddling our thumbs for 6-7-8 years until some other external factor (pregnancy, family pressure, social pressure) got our guys to get the ball rolling.

Post # 4
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Probably nothing for me; my guy is just a teeny tiny bit insecure so he probably wouldn’t propose or talk about it if there was a slight chance he’d be rejected.  I think the majority of men prefer the woman to bring it up so that they know they won’t be rejected.  Man, that rejection is such a huge motivator for men!

I actually think that my SO brought up marriage with us specifically first, but it was just relaying a conversation he and his dad had after we were dating for a year maybe and it was clear he was uncomfortable discussing it any further.  Other times it’s been brought up for us specifically… well it’s been allllll me, baby.

As far as being a planner and him not, I think of relationships in roles.  If there were 2 planners in the relationship absolutely nothing would get done and y’all would be fighting all. the. damn. time.  If there were 2 “just go with the flow”-ers then you would be wandering around listlessly like a boat on the ocean that’s lost all it’s sails and engines.  But with one planner and one “go with the flow”-er, your relationship can be smoothly guided with a couple “corrections” from the “go with the flow”-er whenever they suddenly get a minuscule urge to plan (i.e. the proposal).

Post # 5
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t know.  Part of me feels like my SO would be waiting to save $40K to put toward a wedding before he proposed, lol.  I’m actually not sure who brought it up the first time- in fact, I think it was my SO- but I know that I was the one that did a lot of the serious talking about it closer to the time we actually did get engaged.

Post # 6
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Some guys ARE the first to bring it up. We were talking about my brother’s upcoming wedding when my boyfriend asked, “What do you want your wedding to look like?” Because society has conditioned me to feel that talking weddings with a man is a dicey move, I tried to cut off conversation by saying, “Oh, I have no idea. I suppose it would depend on the style of the person I was marrying.” He answers, “What if it were me? Tell me what you’d want your wedding to be like if you were marrying me.”

So… some of them are willing to to talk about it. But they’re the weirdos.

@LaurenK0105: Totally agree that a lot of guys keep quiet out of fear of rejection. Which is understandable – it’s scary!

Post # 7
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I never had “expectations” and never brought up marriage/timeline, we just let our relationship run its course.  

We would talk about marriage in general statements like “oh so-in-so got engaged, I/ we still arn’t ready.” My husband would occasionally ask me “are you happy with the way things are or do you want to be engaged” and I wasn’t ready yet – he says he wasn’t either, but then again he was the one asking the questions 😉

We actually got married earlier then I ever thought that I would (I thought marriage would enter my life around age 28) and we got married at 25 – but were together for 5 years by that time, so it felt like the right time.   

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I definitely wouldn’t be married right now. And Darling Husband almost certainly wouldn’t even be thinking about saving for a ring, despite the fact that all of his friends are married or engaged. He was SOO against the idea of marriage, he used to get so angry when I would talk about it. So for sure if I never said anything, we would definitely still just be Boyfriend or Best Friend and Girlfriend.

Post # 10
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know why, but for some reason, I always thought that the girl should never, ever bring up the subject of getting married.  So I never did.   Most (not all!) men WILL get around to bringing up the subject when they are ready…but when that is can vary a lot.  I will admit though, that every serious boyfriend I’ve had has at least brought the subject up at some point.

With my first husband, we’d been dating a while when he brought up the subject of living together.  He’d just moved a few hundred miles away to attend grad school and wanted me to come out there to live with him.  After I told him I didn’t want to do that, he then started talking about marriage.  He proposed a few months later.  I am guesing, however, without the distance issue, he would have waited quite a bit longer.

With my husband, I admit I did bring up marriage…but only after I knew that is what he wanted.  He had said fairly early on that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and I knew him well enough to know that meant marriage to him.  I did tell him at one point that I wasn’t comfortable living together without being at least engaged….and again, the proposal came soon after.  I learned later though that he’d planned to propose on that day all along anyway.

Post # 11
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@sarasouth: Totally agree that a lot of guys keep quiet out of fear of rejection. Which is understandable – it’s scary!

While I know for some relationships this may be true, I don’t see this as being the case so much anymore – epsecially if the girl HAS brought it up.  We’re not in the Victorian era or even the 1950s anymore when the guy isn’t 90% sure she’s going to say yes should he propose, and he has to do a big song and dance about formally asking for her hand from the paernts (some guys do this, still, but it’s a fading tradition), proving his ability to provide (this is important in a guy’s mind, but again, he’s not asking her father to approve based soley on his financial abilties) and he really doesn’t have to have anyone’s approval except hers.  Family and friend support is great, but people don’t hinge their lives on it like they used to when your potential inheritnce was a major factor in how well you cold support yourself. 

These days, if you’ve been together longer than a year, and espcially if you’ve made it past two years, odds are the lady has made up her mind he’s a keeper, he’s husband-worthy, and she is waiting, patiently or no, for him to propose.  By the time years 3-6 roll around, she’s getting a bit frazzled, wondering WHY he ahsn’t done it – they seem so happy together, doens’t he want her, why is HE rejecting HER?  

Our society has done a complete 180 as to who is choosing whom for a spouse first, who needs to mention it, and who is feeling rejected if it doesn’t happen. Also, I hate to admit it, but many people used to get married quickly simply because it wasn’t accetable to have sex openly unless you were – so that was a great motivator in moving guys down the aisle. Also, this added to the couple’s nerves, because many people got engaged and married after courting for a span of months, meaning you were now tied to raise a family with essentailly a stranger.  Of course, this worked well enough we still ahve mamrraige as a desired institution, even though it’s pretty much under attack from many sides in entertainment and public attitudes.

Now, that the pressure of if-you-want-her-you-HAvE-to-marry-her has been lifted, guys are free to waffle about making an active choice and instead passively “going with the flow” and are more free to resist marriage if pushed too hard.  This put woemn in an odd place, because women are expected to be the passive party waiting for marriage,  but since the active role is no longer 100% the man’s, since it’s far more acceptable to be a bachelor forever than a spinster, since he can have all the benefits of a wife without the responsibilites, it’s hard for woemn to remain passive and still get that open proclamation of commitment.

I can understand a guy being nervous about asking for that first date,   but if they’ve been together long enough for HIM to consider marraige, even in secret, then it’s pretty much almost always a given that she’s already predisposed to accept a proposal – I can’t think of to many woemn I know who’d tell their Boyfriend or Best Friend of a year or more, “No” shold he get down on one knee if the lady was planning on staying with him.  If she had other interests, or was wanting to end the relationship, then there’s a chance for rejection, but otherwise, guys have far less esteem to put on the table and lose when it comes to this than they used to.

Post # 12
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I too used to think that you don’t talk about marriage –the guy decides, buys a ring and proposes and it’s a huge happy surprise for the girl. That’s sort of how I thought it would be for me. Then I started hearing/reading about couples going ring shopping and picking out a ring together and at first I thought it was weird – where’s the romance and surprise? But then as I became more informed I realized it’s normal to discuss engagement and marriage together before it actually happens – so I took the first step and brought it up and we discussed it a little and went ring shopping together, and so now I wait.

I’m not 100% sure that if I never brought it up he would propose on his own. I’m inclined to say no he wouldn’t because we’ve been together for a looong time, we live together and everything is perfect as is. But I also feel that he would see that our siblings and friends are all getting married and that would make him think about us getting married. So I really don’t know.

Post # 13
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

He was the one that started talking to me first about our future and marriage so I think i would be in the same place. Although most other things I will bring up bc I like things done my way..

Post # 14
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

My Fiance brought it up first, and it was pretty early on. I was shocked! He also asked me to start looking at rings–almost exactly a year before he proposed, though. I kind of got annoyed because a bunch of my friends were getting engaged and I he’d brought it up first and wasn’t proposing.

I think this is an exception though. Most men need a little nudge.

Post # 15
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

We talked about marraige in general, but I never brought up a time like or us actually getting married. I think it was just a given for both of us, so when he proposed to me after 11 months of dating, it was a big surprise since it wasn’t a conversation that we had.

Post # 16
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

We talked about marraige in general, but I never brought up a time like or us actually getting married. I think it was just a given for both of us, so when he proposed to me after 11 months of dating, it was a big surprise since it wasn’t a conversation that we had.

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