Initiating Intimacy and Being More Assertive in the Bedroom…Help!

posted 2 weeks ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Don’t force it. Could you run a bath and invite her to join you?

Post # 3
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Hahaha this is me! I can’t do it, I feel so silly! I find a good glass of wine helps me get past some of my self consciousness, but when it comes to dirty talk for example, I just ask him questions to egg him on rather than generating my own thoughts of that makes sense.

Post # 5
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

somedaymrsj :  sorry! My bad. fixed it! Lol ok scratch the bath idea. I like the other postera suggestion of 🍷

Post # 7
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

If you’re not comfortable with it, you don’t have to force it, you know? But maybe you could get creative in other ways…..

Do you have a favorite outfit? Something that makes you feel unstoppable? What turns you on?

For example, a glass of wine, a pair of sky-high heels, a push-up bra, sensual perfume, getting dolled up etc are all things that make me feel like a show-stopper! Even a new sexy costume (pinup girl, police, nurse, etc) can be fun to try! 

You could also watch porn to get some new ideas. Do things that make you feel fabulous- get a massage, do your nails, get your hair done, pamper yourself so you feel relaxed and sexy. 

Go by a different name during sex, surprise her with nothing on but a sparkling necklace, blindfold her in a desk chair out of nowhere, dip your finger in some chocolate sauce and draw a heart on the side of your neck and demand that she taste you while you hold your hair back, role play as her boss and lock yourselves in the home office, surprise her with a night in a hotel, have sex at the opposite time you usually would (morning sex if you usually do at night), play strip poker, dress up as a celebrity and role play as them (Sasha Fierce) go to a bar and pretend you’re meeting for the first time, strip down and strut down the hallway as if you’re a Victoria’s Secret model on the catwalk, the list is endless!

The thing is, any of these things can be cheesy or funny- the key is feeling so confident and OTT sexy in that you mean it when you come on to your partner and you have to have her now. If you’re feeling it, she will most likely feel it too and find it incredibly sexy and different.

There are so many things you can do to have fun with it! And tailor it to something that you would still feel like it’s “you.” 

And trust me, there are times where my partner or I get he giggles and just aren’t in the moment and that’s okay! But he surprised me on our anniversary with a fireman outfit and it was awesome πŸ™‚ I have surprised him as well and pampering myself and getting dolled up always got me in the right mindset. And I always feel much better when I’m wearing heels! 

Good luck and have fun! 

Post # 8
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2005

Bee yourself. Bee patient, keeping trying, bee seen to bee trying to change and your inner and emorging erotic self will keep growing in confidence.

I love that you are already great together and that you both feel you can share laughter together.

Laughter just on its own helps us relax and to be able to reveal the fun and the absurd side of ourselves with special people we call true friends. To laugh and to play is all about feeling free to take risks and to push personal boundaries. To play is to grow through experence. Its no accident that making love is a form of play. Its natural that freedom to just be erotic with a partner is called play/playing. Sure there is a serious side to making love since its an expression of committment but that should never exclude the possibility of laughter. I once fretted for a long time before risking my erotic wish to spank someone. When I finally got him over my knee, all exposed and naked and awaiting the discipline, I instantly cracked up laughing and then we both cracked up. In the end it was something I just need to get out into the open and it was to my relief no big deal with him. Playing’s essential nature is that is fun and relaxing but at its best is the uncensored freedom to grow through being creative. 

Try and see Ester Perel on TED Talks (?Netfllix) as she discusses the value of getting in touch with the erotic side of ourselves and the value of expressing it to a committed partner. As OP said you may find props and a little wine helpful, but please do (just) “Have fun”. 

Post # 10
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

I want to echo a PP poster’s suggestion of watching some porn. This could give you some ideas and what you would be comfortable with.

Initiation – if she’s sitting on the couch or something, just go on top of her and start kissing her. No talk needed. She’ll know what’s going on and what you are doing πŸ™‚

Or during the day, you could practice dirty talk through text! Make her think about what dirty things your’re thinking and make her know it’s on when you get home! This could be your practice for being more comfortable with dirty talk if that’s something you want to try to get better at. If not, then you can still use a dirty text to let her know you want her later that night πŸ™‚

Post # 11
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

somedaymrsj :  Hi bee!! So I am also super awkward when it comes to obviously sexy lingerie, stuff like that. I feel like I’m putting on a show and that’s totally not me… so I don’t try to do that anymore. The other thing about lingerie “dress up” is that (for me) it takes all the surprise out of it. I feel like when you’re already undressed, there’s not much more to “discover” with that. I’m more into a slow buildup that leads into me getting out of my clothes. Then my fiance can see what I’ve got underneath. 

Agree with PP who suggested wearing something you ARE confident in. For me, it’s a nice dress or skinny jeans with a nice blouse, paired with heels. Wear a sexy bra and panties under that. I’ll do my hair and makeup and I feel like a million bucks. Those times get me really in the mood, especially when my fiance notices I’m looking good. 

Post # 15
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

somedaymrsj :  Aww bee I’m sorry πŸ™ That sucks. I really don’t get why she’d suggest doing something different and then when you try to, she shoots the idea down? Why would she think it’s weird to go out alone when the whole idea is for her to meet you there for some sexy role play? I wonder what about this she is opposed to? 

I would definitely tell her she hurt your feelings when she gets home. 

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