(Closed) Inlaw Expectations

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh gosh! Well, it does sound like they’re just being supportive in addition to a little overbearing. Definitely partner close with your Husband and agree on a plan ahead of time, that they can’t go to either of you individually and get you to change the way you’re donig something – all decisions have to be approved by the two of you together. They can ‘suggest’ all they want, but it’s going to be your child and they have to respect you as decision making adults.

Post # 4
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

That’s so stressful! I’m sure we’ve got it coming our way once we have our own… for now, the parenting judgment is all focused on SIL and BIL!

Clearly laughing it off or ignoring it is not working for you, so let Fiance know that it’s not, and that you’re worried about it! I’d work on a few polite-but-distant replies like, “When it’s time for us to make that decision, we’ll consider that. Thanks!” Ideally, your husband would be the one to say something like that, but if he won’t, you should – your life will be easier later if you plant the idea now that your in-laws don’t get to parent your children!

Post # 5
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry your in-laws are being so overbearing on this topic.  While i think they probably have good intentions, I totally understand why their constant “advice” is wearing on you.

Honestly, though, I think your husband has the best advice.  All the way through pregnancy, birth, and parenting, you’re going to have a constant barrage of “helpful” people giving you “advice.”  Your in-laws are starting pretty early, and they’re a lot closer to you than the random supermarket lady who gives you a lecture about fetal acohol syndrome because you’re buying beer while obviously pregnant (it’s for my husband lady!!!!), so it’s going to feel more like an attack on your personal choices.  But really, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, you’re going to start getting comments and opinions on how you should raise your children.  

Sorry, I can’t be more helpful.  Really I think the best thing to do is learn some coping skills now (ending the conversation, changing the subject, etc…) so it’s easier to ingore when the real onslaught starts.  Because it’s probably only going to get worse when you actually announce your pregnancy.  🙁

Post # 6
Member
2719 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow! I agree with moderndaisy. You should talk with your husband and decide how YOU will parent YOUR kids, not his parents.

Post # 7
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Future Mother-In-Law is kinda like this.  Well before we were even engaged she asked me, “why I was bothering with a career bc soon I would be having babies.”  Ummm, I have zero plans of being a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Then berated me for planning to “leave my children with strangers” i.e. daycare.  And on and on.  Not to mention EVERY TIME I see her, she asks me when I’m going to give her a grandchild.  It never ends.

I just ignore her.  Personally, I don’t think my Future In-Laws were candidates for parents of the year, and both Fiance and I agree that we would NEVER raise our children the way he was raised.  Everyone’s got something to say.

Post # 9
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am lucky on the in-laws side, I think they are relatively open minded.  The only thing I’ve gotten is a – “So do you plan on staying home once you have children?” from my Mother-In-Law, and I told her straight-up, no way!  She stayed home until all four were in high school before going to school and having a career.  Not my plan.  My husband’s two older brothers have two children each, and their wives are very different in child raising, one stays home and one works, so I think whatever I choose will be okay.

I’m more worried about my mom.  She has some definite opinions, and I’m not sure I agree with them.  Not pregnant yet though, so I have plenty of time to work that out! 

Post # 10
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Does your husband have a brother or sister who is married? I feel like talking to his brother’s wives helps a LOT.  Not to change the behavior of MIL/FIL but to at least have someone who understands – because while my husband might get it, he is conflicted by them being his parents….

I don’t think you need to just sit there and laugh though – it will be overbearing and make you miserable.    maybe take his mom ? aside and have a talk with her? or ask your husband to?  In a “we know you love us, and mean the best, but we need….”

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh gosh, my mom is all “EJS of COURSE you will breastfeed” and “EJS of COURSE i will move in for 2 weeks when you have the baby” blah blah blah.

I can learn how to take care of a baby without my mom telling me how. My mom was a Stay-At-Home Mom with a nanny…it was different for her than it will be for me!!!

Post # 12
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Eek!  I don’t have much advice to give, but I do want to say good luck.  This would DEFINITELY stress me out too.  Especially since you’re not even expecting a child yet, and you’re already faced with these sort of comments.  If this gets worse once you have kids, then it seems like you might want to get your husband to say something to them… although you also don’t want to put him in the middle of any disagreements between yourself and his parents.  This is a tough one.

Post # 13
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ugh, if you figure out what that magic phrase is, please let me know!  For a humorous example of how much worse it will get, here’s the “advice” I was told by random co-workers in the two minutes it took me to fill up my Nalgene in the lunchroom:

  1. I should be wearing maternity pants because the regular low-rise jeans I’m wearing today don’t “fit right anymore.”
  2. I’m still not showing enough to wear maternity clothes yet.
  3. I don’t do laundry often enough.
  4. I should do at least one load of laundry a night because I need to get used it before the baby comes.
  5. Babies don’t even need clothes until they’re six months old.  It much easier (i.e. cuts down on laundry) to dress the baby in nothing more than a diaper.
  6. Someone saw me having a cup of coffee this morning and just wanted to remind me we don’t have decaf at the office.  In case I didn’t realize it, I was drinking fully caffinated coffee.
  7. We should probably just go ahead and find out the sex of the baby next week so people around the office can plan our baby shower and start buying gifts.  Also, this person hinted that we’re being inconsiderate of our co-workers’ generosity by not announcing the baby’s sex until after it’s born.

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

OMG Mrs. Spring that list is crazy!! I can’t believe that people said you were being inconsiderate by keeping the sex a secret.  REALLY?!?

Post # 15
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yeah, people say stupid stuff.  🙂  Honestly, it might just be my co-workers.  We got quite a few crazy comments when we were getting married, too!

Post # 16
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Geesh, that’s crazy! 

I know that as soon as family catches on to our decision not to baptize our kids, the sh*t is going to hit the fan. 

The topic ‘Inlaw Expectations’ is closed to new replies.

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