(Closed) Inlaw Expectations

posted 10 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

@Mrs. Spring, that is CUCKOO!  Luckily I haven’t gotten toooo much advice yet, mostly about resting, drinking enough water…generally taking care of myself, which I don’t mind…and as I’ve mentioned before, the advice to not pass on my husband’s name if we have a son…um, I was 5 or so weeks pregnant when this advice was given…like we have any idea of the gender, and we aren’t the type of couple to pick names super early.

Post # 18
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Being a mom comes with a couple of signs that say:

– Judge me

– You know how to raise my kids better than I do

and

– I would love to hear your opinion/advice

 

Or at least, that is how it seems with how people act.

Post # 19
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

@MrsSpring: Yeah, that happens to me too!  My coworkers are the WORST at saying the most offensive things!  From advice to comments on how big I am, they just have no filter!  And the females are the worst offenders!  I had one girl tell me the reason I’m still so small is because I’m carrying the pregnancy in my a**.  Isn’t that awesome??

For the OP, I think it’s important that you decide what your own parenting style is.  You can’t argue with his parents unless you know what your own position is.  Once you know, it will be easier to counter what they say with a tidbit of your own.  Or you can just listen and nod.

A lot of people will ask me what I plan to do because they have an agenda.  They then lecture you anyway, whether you say yes or no.  It’s annoying, but it’ll happen a LOT once you get pregnant!

Post # 20
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Fiance and i are still on the fence about having kids but his parents always talk about how we “have to have children”..esp because we are catholic. Over Christmas my Father-In-Law, assuming that we would of course have a child, went on to tell me that “if you don’t have at least 3 children you are not a family.” WTF??????? He then told me that if we have a boy he must be named after him.

scheesh, we are not even married, and i’m so worried about their increasing expectations with having children, the # of kids, their names, and how to raise them. trust me, i know i’m in for a tough road ahead with them. 🙁

 

Post # 22
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

That actually sounds like things went pretty well, realeastcoaster!  At least now you know the worst that will happen when you disagree with your inlaws is a little cold shoulder.  That’s not so bad!  Good luck in the future!  🙂

Post # 23
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Ha.  Yeah I don’t know what kinda of advice to give.  Luckily my mom will be the pushy one and we’re best buddies so I’m quite alright disagreeing with her 🙂

My SIL kept her pregnancy a secret for as long as she could at work mainly because she wanted to avoid all the ‘unwanted’ advice.  She works in a doctor’s office – so there was plenty of it!  I think my husband is taking this same route.  He works at the hospital and has only told 2 co-workers so far.

One thing my brother decided when he had his first which I think is BRILLIANT…. they asked for no family visitors (aka MIL’s) for the first week or two.  They don’t live close to family, I think they did have friends drop in to say hi.  The idea was to give them time as a couple to ‘figure things out’ and make their own parenting decisions before the stress of having MIL’s around.  Both MIL’s were ok with this and understood.

I did have the first person pat my stomach the other day.  (I had just met him!)  Hello I’m not even showing yet!!  ha.

Post # 24
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’ve had to arm myself with lots of protective comments, and am learning how to be assertive.

For people who want to pat my belly (the baby isn’t even where you are patting, she’s like a foot lower.  You are patting intestines) I say, “Only if I can pat yours too”.  Only one girl has taken me up on the offer.

For the people who say I’m too (insert fat, skinny, chubby, thin, carrying high, carrying low, not showing enough, carrying twins) (and yes I’ve heard all of these!)  I say, “You know I have a history of an eating disorder and these kind of comments are triggers.”  At least the individual never comments again!

People should tell pregnant women that they are beautiful, glowing, looking fabulous etc… but if they don’t have anything nice to say, they should keep it to themselves.

For the well-meaning, “This is the way you have to raise your kids” folks, I usually say something like, “We’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.”  or something silly like , “We were planning on feeding pop rocks and coke” (works great for breast feeding rants) or something dismissive like “We’ll take that into consideration when the time is right.”

Because I’ve gotten much better at handling comments right then and there, they’ve really tapered off.  It’s kind of amazing, actually!

Post # 25
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

DG: You should check out cafepress.com’s maternity wear.  They have some awesomely sarcastic t-shirts!  My fave at the moment is: “Yes I’m pregnant.  I’m due in May.  I’m fine.  No you may not touch my belly.”  Says it all up front, huh?

OP: Glad you did a test run to see how they’d react!  I think a lot of parents just ASSUME certain things (like you will travel to see THEM for every holiday…where’d they get THAT idea?!).  Darling Husband and I set a precident by NOT traveling this whole first year.  It would be incredibly expensive to travel every year, let alone every holiday!  When we remind our ILs about that they usually back off.

Post # 26
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ MightySapphire– OMG…I love Cafepress!!!  I will seriously look into those when I get pregnant!!!!

@ lilyfaith– We aren’t planning on baptizing our children, either.  I KNOW that will cause some drama when my mom finds out about that!!!

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