Post # 1
At Christmas time, our inlaws let the whole family know they wanted to take the family on a family trip this spring– they were handling all expenses (very nice of them). They recently told my husband that the cost of the trip was adding up, and they’d recently had some unexpected expense (my SIL, who is 4 years older than me, was supposed to graduate college this year. She failed some classes and has to do another semester. They fund her tuition and other expenses 100%. They are using part of the family vacation money to cover her tuition costs), and asked that we pay for ME to attend the trip. As in, if DH and I don’t cover my cost, I can’t go on the family trip. They are still paying for all the other kids & their SO’s and my husband. They said since my husband and I ‘make more money’ than their other kids/SO’s, they thought we should just pay for me. They will still pay for him, but we need to cover my half.
I’m kind of offended. 1- just because we ‘make more’ (which they don’t know what we make, they are just assuming), doesn’t mean we have the extra cash lying around to pay for what was supposed to be a free vacation. 2- I’d almost be less offended if they asked us to pay for both of us? It almost comes across to me like “we want husband to go, so we’ll pay for him. But you can only come if you pay for it!”
Not at all that it’s my place to tell them how to spend their money, but— SIL screws around and fails classes, but still goes on the family vacation for free? My inlaws also just bought a new luxury brand car, remodeled their home, and made a few other pricey purchases. They are paying for everyone to fly first class and picked a very expensive resort (seems like if money was the issue, we could scale back on some of the trip?). It doesn’t feel like they can’t afford for me to go. It feels more like they just don’t want to pay for me?
Am I being ridiculous to feel offended? Would you pay? Would you have your husband go on the trip without you? My husband thinks it’s strange— he is not sure why this is happening, or what we should say or do. Mother-In-Law and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship, but nothing has really happened recently to set her off, that I can think of.
Post # 2
They phrased it really shabby. They should have just said “can you guys kick in half of your expenses” which would be the same effect without sounding like it’s specifically you. But the fact remains that they’re offering what sounds like a nice trip, half paid for. That’s what I would focus on. You talking about what else they’ve spent their money on comes off as bratty and entitled on your part. It sucks that they are no longer in position to pay for the whole thing but they’re still offering to pay half. Take it (and appreciate it) or leave it.
Post # 3
I mean, I see both sides here. You’re offended because they’re making you pay for yourself and no one else has to, yet I see that expenses are tight and they’re comfortable enough with you to say, “hey, we don’t got it. Can you help? We’ll still cover 50% for you guys.”
Money is always so incredibly uncomfortable to discuss. I wouldn’t take it personally at all. Just realize the situation and ask yourself if you want to go or not. If you do, pay. If not, don’t go. It sucks but I mean, this is your family now. You just have to move on.
Post # 4
Wow.. No, I don’t think you are being ridiculous by being offended. I get that things come up but they offered to pay for the vacation, therefore they should honor that or discreetly ask BOTH of you to contribute. Once you’re married, it’s a package deal. I think if it were me, I would tell my husband we are both not going and tell my inlaws that sorry, “something came up.”
Post # 5
I’d thank them nicely for the invitation and decline for both of you. What they spend their money on is their business, not getting kicked around by them is yours.
Post # 6
Yes, I would be offended. It’s rude of them to plan a whole vacation without your input on cost because they say they are paying and then to withdraw the offer to pay.
I would think that the fair thing to do would be to have everyone cover a portion of the cost your ILs can no longer afford, rather than to put it all on you and your H. But obviously, that’s not what they chose to do. In your situation I really don’t know what I would do but I would probably start with having your H talk with his parents about how rude they are being.
Post # 7
I’d be upset too! It just comes aross as really rude, as if you’re not apart of the family or something.
Post # 8
If I were you I would decline, and ask your husband to decline too. That’s very unfair, they are spending your money when you were planning on a free trip.
Post # 10
that is frustrating, the whole you make more line. That really ticks my dh and I off when we get told that for family things. I can understand your frustration because if you take out the you make more line, why would they choose you.
If it were my DH and myself. We would probably choose to both not attend. As a married couple you are a unit, just as the other married couples in the family. If it was someone you really wanted to go maybe I would cover the cost. But if its a vacation that your excited for, but wouldnt have chosen to go on if not covered, then I would choose not to go. But I dont think you should be alone in not going, it needs to be either both go or both stay. Imho
Post # 11
I would absolutely be offended. They are singling you out for no apparent reason – I actually feel like there is way more to this than we know (or maybe even more than you know). Like maybe there IS a reason.
Anyway, I’d passive-aggressive the SHIT out of this. Well, I wouldn’t, but I would have your husband do it since they’re his parents. Just have him say “oh we’d love to come, but we hadn’t budgeted this type of expense since you invited us on a vacation you said you’d pay for. Hope you have a great time! Also, how many times are you going to let sis fail a semester and keep paying her way at the expense of others? Just curious. Anyway, send us a postcard! Hope the other spouses know they have nothing to worry about, mine’s the black sheep apparently. OK – love you! Safe travels!”
Ok, so maybe less passive and more aggressive. But I say what the fuck I mean.
Post # 12
It would bug me too. Why didn’t they ask the two of you to pay towards some of the expenses? It sounds clumsy and insensitive to me. Yes sometimes money becomes tight unexpectedly but it could have been handled as a team/family without singling you out.
Post # 13
I’d be offended for sure. They could have just said “hey, finances got a little tight, would you mind helping pay a portion of your way?” In all honestly, though, I’d do what a PP said and just decline, saying you haven’t budgeted for this since they said it was going to be their treat. Sorry bee, that was crappy of them (how they worded it toward you).
Post # 14
I’d be offended. You’re supposed to be part of their family. They’ve made it clear that they don’t see it that way. If it were me, I’d decline to go and say it wasn’t in the budget. But for me, going on a vacation with my inlaws would be the last thing I’d want to do.
Post # 15
That’s offensive and stupid of them. Your in-laws should have treated you and H as a unit and either canceled the whole trip, ask that everyone chip in proportionally or privately asked H if you two would be willing to pay more than the others under the circumstances.