(Closed) Inlaws trying to be nice but don’t understand my issue with it.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s too late to “take back” their payment. In order to preserve a future relationship – I would thank them graciously for their gift, let them know you didn’t expect them to pay for the photographer and that the message from FH might been have been miscontrued (even though it probably wasn’t). Then, send your photographer a nice gift (gift card, money, etc.) to “up” his payment for your wedding.

Post # 4
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would talk to them.  I’m sure that your husband going to them and telling them that you didn’t want them to pay for the pictures probably hurt them.  So you need to go to them and explain that it wasn’t necessary and maybe give them a little background as to why they think that you aren’t willing to let them pay for anything.  I really don’t think that they did this as a way to go behind your back and take advantage of your friend.  A lot of people don’t really know how expensive photography is so they might not have known the difference.  Before I got married, there was no way I thought it would cost thousands of dollars for photography at the wedding!

Post # 5
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Wow! I’m so surprised to see how worked up you are getting about this. Your reaction to all things money related seems a bit over the top. Why won’t you let people give you gifts of monetary value? Your friend has a skill that he wanted to use to give you a kickass wedding gift! By acting so upset about it, you’re kind of ruining the intentions. It’s not like he won’t be able to put food on the table because he gave you guys such a low price, right? And why exactly is it so bad that your inlaws paid for it? Surely they did it because they wanted to, not because they felt they had to, or for any other negative reason, right? I don’t know, I think I must be missing something here!

Post # 6
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree that maybe getting him and his wife a really nice thank you gift is a great idea! You dnt have to let your in-laws know you sent any kind of thank you gift to make up for the low cost of photography he charged you just kind of do it nonchalantly and let it go after that. 

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think your inlaws are being asses.  Just wanted to get that out there.  🙂  Gifts are supposed to be for the benefit of the reciever not a weapon.

Still, I think the first priority is to get your husband and you on the same page.  He is not supporting you here and it is so important that the two of you support each other when interacting with families.  Compromise might be necessary but the two of you need to really understand where the other person is coming from and agree how to deal with money issues and his parents. 

Also, I’d send the photographer a gift after you get the pictures, an “Oh I love these! gift.”

It’s pretty weird the way they went behind your back with the photographer – are they and the photographer/his family good friends?

Post # 8
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think the biggest issue at hand here is your husband not supporting you and essentially throwing you under a bus where his parents are concerned. Not okay, imho.  
Other than that, I think what you’re experiencing is a difference in familial values. In my family, refusing a gift is a HUGE insult so my thought is that they may be feeling defensive because of something like that.
I recommend either picking up the phone and calling them or inviting them out somewhere (neutral territory). Explain that you consider it a great source of pride to be able to pay for things yourself, and that in your family you take turns. And you stopped paying for lunch because you felt that it was something that they wanted to do and you appreciate their generosity.
Nothing more needs to be said about the photographer, but I would recommend doing as others suggested and sending a thank-you gift/$$$.

Post # 10
640 posts
Busy bee

Perhaps the photographer would have given you the pictures as a gift but knew you would feel uncomfortable with that so gave you a low number? As to your in laws, maybe your husband can talk to his parents and explain how money & gifts works in your family. 

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