Innocent Flirting , or something more?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It smells like an old dirty gym sock to me. If a male coworker texted me “love you always” and was sending me sexual innuendo texts, I would shut that down immediately. I would not respond with heart emojis and LOL’s. 

Also I’ll go on the record and say I don’t blame you for snooping in this situation. I’ve never snooped on my husband before, but I got a spidey sense about his dealings with some lady, I would.

Post # 3
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree that her responses to his flirting are a bit inappropriate, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and ask you to consider her possible reasoning for responding in the ways she does. This is her client, and if he is an important client, it may not be in her best interest to just tell him to f*ck off, even if he’s a dirty old man and she really wants to. I read a very interesting article yesterday (in light of all these men being accused of sexual misconduct) on how women are often asked why they didn’t defend themselves, run away, tell these creepy guys to get lost, etc. The point was that it is a woman’s natural instinct to please when they feel afraid, creeped out, threatened, etc. We smile, we laugh, we play along to keep ourselves safe.

Now, I’m not saying this is definitely what’s going on with your wife. If it was, I would certainly hope she’d be able to be open with you about it, but I wouldn’t rule it out just yet. I know many people think (myself included) that she could simply shut him down by responding “I’m married” to his messages, but that may not be how she sees it. She may feel that the importance of him as a client for her business trumps her temporary discomfort. 

You know your wife better than any of us on these boards. It could be shady, or it could be nothing. I would also take the time to examine your relationship. Is it possible that this man is giving her attention that you haven’t been? I’m not saying it’s okay by any means, but a lot of times people stray because they aren’t being fulfilled in some way, and instead of addressing the issue maturely, they cheat (or just flirt inappropriately).

Either way, this is a situation that you and your wife need to get to the bottom of. You may feel like it’s too soon right now, but perhaps couple’s counseling would be a good solution in the future? 

Post # 4
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

While I don’t think anything more may be necessarily going on at least on her end, I don’t think his messages have been appropriate and, whether intended to or not, your wife’s responses only encourage him to further carry on those behaviors. If a client did the same, I would be shutting down those behaviors quickly. I would also expect my partner to do the same if reversed.

Likewise, there is no making excuses for him. It doesn’t matter if he asks her about family and so forth. Plenty of people still will do so and have deeper intentions. Even if he doesn’t plan to honestly try something more with your wife, it’s clear that it’s a boost for him in a way and her being receptive to it with heart emojis and laughing isn’t really good.

I’ve encountered this with quite a few male employees and it’s never ended well nor not been with other motives. The last one texted me like your wife’s coworker did, I shut it down…months later he got fired because another female coworker had to report him for texting her inappropriate messages. The messages he sent her were way worse because she tried to handle it how your wife is.

While snooping is technically not a healthy thing and, yes, you were wrong to do so…your wife really needs to reevaluate how she’s handling her client especially for her own safety.

Post # 5
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

johnnydoe :  I think your wife is explaining herself really well but the texts aren’t professional, they’re out of order. I’m surprised they haven’t gone for lunch together when he says ‘love ya always’

I can’t say it’s definitely a guilty situation on a physical level but I wouldn’t be at all happy if I saw Darling Husband writing stuff like that…joke of a sexual nature and she writes lol? No not good. Emotional affair at the very least I would think unless they have twisted banter that I don’t get!

Gut feelings followed by dodgy texts says a lot. My advice would be to sit her down and have a real heart to heart. I can’t encourage you to keep snooping but I would keep my eyes and ears ready…

Post # 6
Member
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i would trust your wife and believe her when she says nothing is going on.
this very much seems one sided and your wife is handling it while trying to keep a client instead of losing business.

Post # 7
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

The first test of “just busy love ya always”… not something I would get upset about and I am in a committed relationship with one of the guys people consider a flirt. I have called him a flirt to his face. He has said things like that before, and I would take that as his flirtatious personality. However, he would never cross the line to sexual content with his female friends. And being a nurse he has a lot of female friends. I guess I should ask for clarification as what some people consider sexual content others may consider PG; however, I will trust your description here and say the guy was not being a flirty dude and crossed the line. All of this coming from the girl who has the love of one of those flirty guys. They know what charm to lay on the other girls and what is definitely not ok to say to those other girls.

Post # 8
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While I do believe it could be “inncoent” flirting, as in nothing physically or emotionally inappropriate is going on.. it’s still *inapprorpiate* for him to say things like that.  AND inappropriate for her to have even let him believe he could say these things.  She could have shut that behavior down from the get go if she had expressed it was not ok.  But she didn’t and now he thinks it’s ok to “innocently” flirt, even if it appears she doesnt reciprocate.  I wouldn’t jump to cheating, but I’d question why she allows this. 

Post # 9
Member
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I missed the fact that this dude is her client. That does add important context. Still, I feel like she could have handled this a lot better. I think it’s very odd she asked if he was “ok” because his texts were “businessy” – and then replied with a heart eye emoji when he said he loves her. It sounds like she’s actively encouraging his flirtations, not just responding to them.

Post # 11
Member
667 posts
Busy bee

Well. If someone was sending me dirty texts I would KNOW it would really upset my guy… and me. Because hello they KNOW I am committed to someone.

I don’t personally know how to deal with men that act that way towards a married woman (coming from the women’s side) because it freaks me out. So if someone sent me that I would be awkward and block them. And delete the texts. I would be civil at work if spoken too but honestly might avoid a guy like that.

Post # 12
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

tiffanybruiser :  Yeah, I’m also curious since Op said she talks differently about him in a way she hasn’t about others…so, be interesting to have more info on that.

Post # 13
Member
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

johnnydoe :  The fact that she didn’t shut him down would be a red flag to me regardless of if she openly flirted with him or not.  I think she should have handled this better.

Post # 14
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Also not just in the sense of protecting herself in case this guy gets an unsafe fixation to her…she needs to consider the potential negative place she could put herself in  with work if she doesn’t report this to her company’s management and take steps to not engage his inappropriate messages.

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