Post # 1
This is my first time posting on any kind of site like this , ever. So , please be gentle. That being said I feel like I need some outside opinions here.
The basics :My wife and I have been married for 8 years and together for 10. We have 1 son.
There has never been any cheating or anything or either side.
My wife started working for a company a couple of years ago. One of the clients she does things for is a guy who is divorced. She would always talk about this guy in a weird way. Nothing sexual, just a way that I never heard before. About a year ago I started to get that no so easy feeling in my stomach. I finally gave in and snooped in her phone. I found a meesage from her asking if everything was OK as all the texts he was sending were all “businessy.” Not the usual friendly banter. He reponded with “just busy , love ya always” Her reponse was ” (smiley face with heart eyes)ahhh thanks!” She never sasid I love you back or anything. Well, when I saw this my heart dropped. I walked around with it for months never saying anything until I had more proof of something else going on, which I never found. However, Icould no longer keep it to myself and I finally confronted her about it. She said nothing was going on and did,, in fact, admit that it was inappropriate of him to say that, but she never said that to him. She was more mad that Ikept it to myself and never said anything for so long. So I thought it was the end of it.
Well, the other day I started to get that feeling again and this time Ichecked the phone again and there was another message from him with a joke of sexual content. Again , her reponse was just LOL.
So this time immediately confronted her about it and this time she got mad at me for snooping. She said “you dont trust me?” and ” have I ever done anything to make you feel that way”? I told her that she is not responding the way I think a mrried woman should. She said “he is just a very flirtatious man. He’s is just a friend. Iam not attacted to him, he is in a very committed relationship and it is never gotten werird. That is just how he is. He is one of those charmers. That’s all. I love you and am extremely happy with our life. Iwould not change a thing.”She said he makes her laugh and such and that is it. She said it never gets weird when they meet in the office. They don’t hug, touch, shake hands or anything. She said they have never even gone to lunch or anything and that when they talk on the phone they always ask about each others family. He knows she is married. I told her if he knows that that why is he texting stuff like that to a married woman? All in all she says it is just innocent flirting and nothing more and that I am reading into things too much and making something out of nothing.
Am I overreacting , or does this situation smell like an old dirty gym sock?
(sorry for any typos I am on a tablet and short on time!)
Post # 2
It smells like an old dirty gym sock to me. If a male coworker texted me “love you always” and was sending me sexual innuendo texts, I would shut that down immediately. I would not respond with heart emojis and LOL’s.
Also I’ll go on the record and say I don’t blame you for snooping in this situation. I’ve never snooped on my husband before, but I got a spidey sense about his dealings with some lady, I would.
Post # 3
I agree that her responses to his flirting are a bit inappropriate, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and ask you to consider her possible reasoning for responding in the ways she does. This is her client, and if he is an important client, it may not be in her best interest to just tell him to f*ck off, even if he’s a dirty old man and she really wants to. I read a very interesting article yesterday (in light of all these men being accused of sexual misconduct) on how women are often asked why they didn’t defend themselves, run away, tell these creepy guys to get lost, etc. The point was that it is a woman’s natural instinct to please when they feel afraid, creeped out, threatened, etc. We smile, we laugh, we play along to keep ourselves safe.
Now, I’m not saying this is definitely what’s going on with your wife. If it was, I would certainly hope she’d be able to be open with you about it, but I wouldn’t rule it out just yet. I know many people think (myself included) that she could simply shut him down by responding “I’m married” to his messages, but that may not be how she sees it. She may feel that the importance of him as a client for her business trumps her temporary discomfort.
You know your wife better than any of us on these boards. It could be shady, or it could be nothing. I would also take the time to examine your relationship. Is it possible that this man is giving her attention that you haven’t been? I’m not saying it’s okay by any means, but a lot of times people stray because they aren’t being fulfilled in some way, and instead of addressing the issue maturely, they cheat (or just flirt inappropriately).
Either way, this is a situation that you and your wife need to get to the bottom of. You may feel like it’s too soon right now, but perhaps couple’s counseling would be a good solution in the future?
Post # 4
While I don’t think anything more may be necessarily going on at least on her end, I don’t think his messages have been appropriate and, whether intended to or not, your wife’s responses only encourage him to further carry on those behaviors. If a client did the same, I would be shutting down those behaviors quickly. I would also expect my partner to do the same if reversed.
Likewise, there is no making excuses for him. It doesn’t matter if he asks her about family and so forth. Plenty of people still will do so and have deeper intentions. Even if he doesn’t plan to honestly try something more with your wife, it’s clear that it’s a boost for him in a way and her being receptive to it with heart emojis and laughing isn’t really good.
I’ve encountered this with quite a few male employees and it’s never ended well nor not been with other motives. The last one texted me like your wife’s coworker did, I shut it down…months later he got fired because another female coworker had to report him for texting her inappropriate messages. The messages he sent her were way worse because she tried to handle it how your wife is.
While snooping is technically not a healthy thing and, yes, you were wrong to do so…your wife really needs to reevaluate how she’s handling her client especially for her own safety.
Post # 5
johnnydoe : I think your wife is explaining herself really well but the texts aren’t professional, they’re out of order. I’m surprised they haven’t gone for lunch together when he says ‘love ya always’
I can’t say it’s definitely a guilty situation on a physical level but I wouldn’t be at all happy if I saw Darling Husband writing stuff like that…joke of a sexual nature and she writes lol? No not good. Emotional affair at the very least I would think unless they have twisted banter that I don’t get!
Gut feelings followed by dodgy texts says a lot. My advice would be to sit her down and have a real heart to heart. I can’t encourage you to keep snooping but I would keep my eyes and ears ready…
Post # 6
i would trust your wife and believe her when she says nothing is going on.
this very much seems one sided and your wife is handling it while trying to keep a client instead of losing business.
Post # 7
The first test of “just busy love ya always”… not something I would get upset about and I am in a committed relationship with one of the guys people consider a flirt. I have called him a flirt to his face. He has said things like that before, and I would take that as his flirtatious personality. However, he would never cross the line to sexual content with his female friends. And being a nurse he has a lot of female friends. I guess I should ask for clarification as what some people consider sexual content others may consider PG; however, I will trust your description here and say the guy was not being a flirty dude and crossed the line. All of this coming from the girl who has the love of one of those flirty guys. They know what charm to lay on the other girls and what is definitely not ok to say to those other girls.
Post # 8
While I do believe it could be “inncoent” flirting, as in nothing physically or emotionally inappropriate is going on.. it’s still *inapprorpiate* for him to say things like that. AND inappropriate for her to have even let him believe he could say these things. She could have shut that behavior down from the get go if she had expressed it was not ok. But she didn’t and now he thinks it’s ok to “innocently” flirt, even if it appears she doesnt reciprocate. I wouldn’t jump to cheating, but I’d question why she allows this.
Post # 9
I missed the fact that this dude is her client. That does add important context. Still, I feel like she could have handled this a lot better. I think it’s very odd she asked if he was “ok” because his texts were “businessy” – and then replied with a heart eye emoji when he said he loves her. It sounds like she’s actively encouraging his flirtations, not just responding to them.
Post # 10
I have asked myself these questions. She had told me that this is a client that could get her a lot of business if she goes out on her own, so I suppose it’s possible. As far as me fulfilling my part of the Marriage I have thought of that too. It’s very hard to judge myself on that front. I believe I have done what I should. I also tried the “situation reversed” scenario on her. I asked if she saw a message like that on my phone would she be ok with it? She said “ yes , because I trust you and know you would never cheat on me .” She said “ I’ve never responded inappropriately to any of his messages (which is true from what I have seen) she said every time she sends a text to him she asks herself “ would my husband Approve this message?” I know some people are just naturally flirtatious by nature . I was one of those guys too until I got married and then I stopped.
Post # 11
Well. If someone was sending me dirty texts I would KNOW it would really upset my guy… and me. Because hello they KNOW I am committed to someone.
I don’t personally know how to deal with men that act that way towards a married woman (coming from the women’s side) because it freaks me out. So if someone sent me that I would be awkward and block them. And delete the texts. I would be civil at work if spoken too but honestly might avoid a guy like that.
Post # 12
tiffanybruiser : Yeah, I’m also curious since Op said she talks differently about him in a way she hasn’t about others…so, be interesting to have more info on that.
Post # 13
johnnydoe : The fact that she didn’t shut him down would be a red flag to me regardless of if she openly flirted with him or not. I think she should have handled this better.
Post # 14
Also not just in the sense of protecting herself in case this guy gets an unsafe fixation to her…she needs to consider the potential negative place she could put herself in with work if she doesn’t report this to her company’s management and take steps to not engage his inappropriate messages.
Post # 15
She said they’re just friends. I asked how that is? Do you hang out with him, do you go to lunch, breakfast , dinner? No to all these . So where’s the friendship? She also said if you read the other texts you would have seen they were all business. She said the “love ya” comment was not I love you , just yea everything’s fine , love ya!
My heart says everything is fine but I still have the gut thing.