Post # 1
My SO and I have been together a little over 3.5 years and have a 20 month old daughter. We knew each other for 7 years prior to becoming a couple. We live the “married” life but have yet to take the plunge. I’ll be 26 in December and he recently just turned 32 this past May. We very rarely discuss marriage because he shuts down. He went through a horrible divorce as a pre-teen with his parents and claims that hinders his views on it, but still wants to marry me. Help me out here because my cynical self is screaming inside, “THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO, GET OVER IT!”. We very rarely fight, but when we do it’s mainly about household tasks not being completed as a team or when I bring up marriage. I haven’t brought up the discussion of marriage in over 3 months but does not seem to have made a difference in the matter. When have you waited long enough on something you wholeheartedly believe in and want, tearing your family apart or do you stick it out in hopes that one day it will happen and just grow resentful with one another… Confused and torn
This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by mloverstreet.
Post # 2
Perhaps could you bring it up as a way of asking him if you’re still on the same page? Sort of a “Hey you mentioned it awhile ago…and I’d hate to be strung along for another 3.5 years if you do not intend on marrying me.”
Until then, focus on making yourself the best person you can possibly be for yourself, your daughter, and your SO. Don’t become mopey because of waiting, guys really don’t like that and I think it makes them want to push it off longer.
Post # 3
If getting married is important to you, you need to sit him down and get a timeline. If he doesn’t follow the timeline you need to walk. But don’t give ultimatums unless you’re 100% going to follow through.
If hes a serious commitment phone about something that happened 2 decades ago he should get some counseling. many people come from a “broken home”. he needs to get over it.
Post # 4
I have recently went back to school and quit my job to stay home with our little one with much discussion and tears over the matter. I am trying SO hard to keep myself busy and to focus on making a better future for myself and my daughter. He is a shift worker at a major chemical plant and works long grueli ng hours leaving the sole responsibility of our child on my shoulders. Yes, he provides a roof over our heads and doesn’t fuss too much over us now sharing one income. I too came from a broken home but do not use it as an excuse as to why I do some things differently and so on. I like to think of myself as a very realistic person and try to see both sides of the spectrum. He has me completely lost and confused. I will “attempt” talking to him tonight and see what happens. I usually just get an “oh boy” “here we go again” and “hhhhmmm” BLAH
Post # 5
I must admit I don’t understand guys who aren’t ‘ready’ for the commitment of marriage- but will have a child, buy a home together etc. I don’t buy the ‘my parents divorced’ in most cases, I think it’s a too-convenient cop out. If by some chance he genuinely is afraid of marriage because of what he witnessed as a teen, he should have talked to you openly about this before you moved in together, before you had a child together, and he should seek counselling if it’s crippling his adult decision making. Saying ‘we very rarely fight’ isn’t necessarily a good thing if he’s shutting down when you try to discuss things and certain topics are taboo to bring up, this only means you superficially get along when you don’t deal with the serious stuff between you.
Since you already have a child and a home together, he owes you some honest answers about the future.
Post # 6
You guys already have a kid together. Whether you are married or not, it will be just as horrible for your child if you split up. Tell him you want to commit to staying together for your child’s sake.
Post # 7
Well I just got shot down. I mentioned what someone had said above about how marriage conversation is off limits and that with a child and a home we should be able to talk about anything and everything. He says he doesn’t know when he wants to get married but knows that it will be to me. How am I supposed to be okay with that answer?? Of course I get frustrated by this becuase it feels as if he has put little to no thought into the subject. He then gets up to go to the restroom and leaves me in tears.
Post # 8
Well, what a pain ! I really feel had for you , I hate it that you have been made to feel bad because you wanted to know about your own future . Not good enough that he “doesn’t know when he wants to get married” after several years , a home and a child and not good enough to be relegated to patiently waiting and not upsetting his delicate sensibilities . I don’t get this business of them wanting it to be an utter and complete surprise as if we were 18th century maidens awakened by their manly charms ( oh Mr Man, this is so sudden, I do not know what to say…. )
Eff that for a joke, he ‘s either on board for marriage or not . Not very helpful of me I know , and I probably shouldn’t even come and look at Waiting, I only get cross on behalf of nice- sounding women like you being messed about.
Post # 9
Well thank you for taking the time to reach out! It really is a PAIN to be completely in the dark about the entire subject. I like to think I’m nice for the most part but I’m sure I have my “witch” tendencies as well 😉
Post # 10
seems like you probably knew his view and issues with marriage from way back… could you ever accept that he will never want to get married?
i am not saying he shouldn’t try to move past his childhood and understand that you & he are NOT his parents and you can both learn from their mistakes… butttttt, you also can’t force him to do something that terrifies him, or that he isn’t ready for and may never be ready for.
maybe try counseling so he can get past the trauma of his parent’s divorce? also, perhaps maybe a third party can make him see how important marriage is to you.