Post # 1
Hi Everyone! I am new here & am deeply struggling with jealousy & insecurity over my new husband’s sexual past. We have been together 3 years, married for one. We have both been married previously. I have two children from my prior marriage & we are both 43. He has been with at least 40 women before me & I have been with about 20 men. I am insanely jealous about his other past lovers. Been on his email & fb account “researching” them. We have had many fights over this. He’s been pretty supportive though & answers any questions I have. We do have a tremendous sex life & we truly are each other’s love of lives. But, I cannot stop these insecure feelings. I made him tell me in detail the women that he had sex with right before we met. It was heartbreaking to say the least. Now, I’m considering breast implants to feel better about myself & hey, I’m 43 & nursed two children, haha! I want to ask him if he’s ever been with a women with “fake boobs” before. Whenever I bring up the topic of me getting them, he doesn’t want to discuss it & acts weird. I’m sure because he knows that question will come up. I dont know what to do. This is destroying me & will soon destroy us. Anyone else struggle with this? What do I do to stop it?
Post # 3
I think you need to go see a counselor. He hasn’t done anything wrong – in fact, it sounds like he’s been really patient with you – but you need to work through your jealousy before it ruins your marriage. He can’t change his past, but you can change your issues with it.
Post # 4
Your struggle isn’t with his sexual past, it’s with yourself. I would suggest seeing a counselor to deal with your insecurity issues. His past is his past and it shouldn’t be constantly discussed in such detail. He married YOU, not the 40 women he slept with. You married HIM, not the 20 men you’ve slept with. You need to look at yourself, love yourself for who you are and move out of the past and into the future.
Post # 5
I think you want to know way more information than is good for you. You opened up a Pandora’s box by asking him for all these details. Please don’t ask him if he’s been with someone with breast implants. Ask how he feels about you getting the surgery but don’t go that far.
Post # 6
Also, think about your own sexual past. If you’re like me, you aren’t comparing him to your past lovers or wishing you were sleeping with them instead of him. You probably can’t even remember what the previous penises looked like. Same for him.
Post # 7
Unless you want to get married for a third time, you have to get over it. It can’t be changed- so what can be done? You will push him away with this nonsense.
Post # 9
My SO has had “sexual relations” (not always necessarily intercourse, but you get the drift) with over 40 girls… And for the fact that he’s only 25, has been with me for two years, and had a 4-year relationship prior to me, that is pretty impressive! However, because he is 3 years younger than me, I am SO GLAD that he has had a lot of partners! If he had only ever been with one other girl, I would feel unsure that he knew what he wanted. I’d also be afraid that he’d feel it was necessary to “sow his wild oats” a bit more before settling down, and would either cheat or break things off. As it is, I know he’s seen and done it all, and CHOSE ME! You should be happy that with all that experience, your husband chose to marry YOU because he loves you, and wants to have sex with only you for the rest of your lives.
Confidence is beautiful!! If you are confident and happy, he will know he’s made the right choice.
Post # 10
Wow you really need to love yourself more. Or else hubby will start loving you less.
If he gets weird abt the fake boobs topic, well then stop bringing it up! Get them if YOU want them. If he wanted you to have them, chances are he would have inferred that longgggg time ago. He feels insulted that you cant accept his answer for what it is and feel the need to pester him abt it continuously. No one likes that.
Post # 11
I second the advice of seeing a counselor.
Post # 12
@Echogirl1018: Stop asking! He has a right to keep his sexual past to himself – he doesn’t have to give all the gory details. You need to see someone that can help you with your insecurities.
As for the implants, is it something you’ve always wanted, or is it something you feel you need to do to set yourself apart from the women in his past? I have a feeling from your post that it’s the latter, which won’t change you – you will still find something you want to change, and you’ll keep modifying yourself until you’re no longer the person your husband fell in love with and married. Please see a psychologist before making any major changes like that.
Post # 13
I so agree with trying counseling. It seems that you are not thinking very highly of yourself. You need to see yourself as the beautiful woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with!
Post # 14
@KhaleesiStormborn: This is my feeling too, if he’s been with alllll those women and he decided to MARRY YOU… that should make you feel amazing! He’s got allllll these options and picked only you!
Post # 15
I’ll condense past similar responses down:
Look up Obsessional OCD (“Pure O” OCD). If you can afford it, look into a professional who has experience treating this form.
“Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures.” Read it.
Most often, the people who suffer most from this already have huge self-esteem issues (as you indicate from your desire to get breast implants – which seems to have no direct correlation to any of the women he’s dated. I could see this making sense if he constantly yapped about how he wanted a woman with big boobs, but…I didn’t see it in your original post?)…and competition, whether past or present, can send sufferers into a tailspin.
I’m not going to tell you that you’re crazy or anything else like that, because I don’t think you are. I DO think something is going on and you may need help. I do think fulfilling your life more in other ways – volunteering, working, getting involved with your family – could keep you preoccupied and stave off some of these negative feelings.
Often, when we feel badly about ourselves, we end up ruminating whenever we have downtime. Give yourself less down time.
Post # 16
@MsW-to-MrsM: I have to agree 100% with this. For those of us who are with people who aren’t just fresh out of the box (no pun intended) knowing you aren’t their first is a given but knowing *every* detail about others previous to you is just something that’s NOT healthy. I know I wouldn’t like it if FI grilled me on details of previous lovers. It just gives the person finding out something to obsess over which has already happened, does not matter anymore and is not conducive or productive to the current relationship.
@CookieCreamCakes: As someone who has obsessive OCD I need to pick up that book, immediately! I have seen it mentioned a time or two here. Sorry for OT comment.