Post # 1
I am struggling with how to include my step-mother in my wedding. Although she’s been married to my dad for 20 years she and I don’t have much of a realtionship. A lot of that has to do with years of her badmouthing my mom and being jealous of my mom. I never lived with my step-mom growing up so we really never bonded. Yet my dad and I are very close. Dad acknowldges that his wife is not a mother to me. He is not offended by my wedding decisions.
My step-mom is a very insecure person and I feel if I don’t treat her equal to my mom she will be offended. However I don’t see her as a mother figure and I don’t feel right pretending she is some kind of mom to me just so she doesn’t get her feelings hurt. I won’t slight her, but there are some things that she just won’t be included in. I really wasn’t planning on having her escorted down the aisle or her name listed on my invitations, but I am afraid if I don’t she’ll be offended. But then I feel that would be a slap in the face to my mom who raised me. I will give her a small corsage, invite her family, and include her in family photos. So I feel I am being somewhat accomodating to her. But unless she gets to fully be mother of the bride she’s going to be offended.
My step-mom is already offended that I won’t make my step-sister a bridesmaid. My step-sister barely even speaks to me so I feel making her a bridesmaid is just out of the question. I feel like every decision I make for my wedding I am having to tip toe around my step-mom’s feelings cause she’s insecure about everything.
Post # 3
You aren’t obligated to treat your step-mom as an equal to your mom, because she’s not an equal! You also aren’t obligated to make your step-sister your bridesmaid, in fact it would be incredibly awkward since you aren’t at all close to her. Stick to your guns on those points, and don’t let your step-mom guilt you into doing anything that you don’t want to do.
And why in the world would you list her on invitations?!?! Is she helping to host or pay for your wedding in any way? If not then there’s no reason in the world for her to be on the invitations.
As far as escorting her, that’s kind of border line in my book. She’s a distinguished guest because she’s your father’s date. That could go either way, but again you shouldn’t feel obligated to have her escorted. Are you also escorting your grandparents?
Post # 4
Do not move an inch to accomodate her more than you have to. Your dad understands and that is great but seriously to bend in to her wishes is silly. She is not your mother and not a woman who acted like one to you so why would you place her on the invitation? Is your step-sister creating a fuss? If your stepmother is insecure that is her bag and really not your problem as long as you are polite to her.
Post # 5
I’m treating my step mom equal to my mom in the wedding because in many ways she was more of a mother to me when I needed her the most. My mother is an amazing woman, but she always wanted to be more of a “friend” than a parent. When I was out of control and on the verge of ruining my life, my step mom set me straight; basically she saved my life. She has done everything for me and has always treated me as her daughter.. I love her more than I could ever express. She also payed for my college education, bought me 2 brand new cars and kept me in Abercrombie in HS (lol)… needless to say she has done more than just emotional support! Oh… and she’s paying for our wedding! By The Way my step mom and dad have also been married 20 years.
However, I can totally understand how you don’t have that relationship with your step mom. Our relationship is unusual.. I think the concessions you are making are completely acceptable. Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with for someone you aren’t even close to.
Post # 6
In reading your story, I could have been reading my own. But I have come to the conslusion that, though this may sound harsh and mean, I just don’t care. My step-mother will have no say in my wedding what so ever. Anything that she suggest, I simply tell her ” thank you and I will keep that in mind”. And then I do what I really want. She was my dad’s choice, not mine. She makes him happy, she is not there for me to make happy. I have two parents and that is all I need, and that is how I handle my wedding plans.
Post # 7
I would also consider your mom’s feelings – while I know you’re trying to avoid hurting your step-moms feelings, if you include her as an equal to your mom, will you run the risk of hurting your mom?
Post # 8
Talk to your mom about it. I know that sounds odd, but being a step daughter that grew up with her step mom and now a step mom myself, I would hope that my kids and even my step kids would come to me with any issues that may arise.
Good luck with this. It is SO hard to make everyone happy.
By The Way Both my mom and step mom were escorted down the aisle with corsages. My stepmom first followed by my mom then was our processional.
Post # 9
I think there is a difference between a stepmother having some part of a wedding such as being escorted and a stepmother expecting it and throwing her insecurity into the wedding. It really depends on the bride’s feelings about it.