Insecure/New Relationship – HELP!!!!!

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry – they share custody of a dog? What? I mean, liking pictures on Insta is fine and whatever but can I go back to this is an adult who shares custody of a dog with an ex he broke up with 2 years ago? If things go forward with you, do you have to file adoption papers for the dog? Do you get custodial rights if it’s his weekend but he’s out of down? I gotta know. Who does the dog live with? Who buys the food? Who pays the vet bills?

For real, though, the dog situation is weird, but I think you’re worrying about nothing.

Post # 3
Member
3739 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

It makes sense why you’d have some baggage around a SO maintaining contact with an ex, you have good reason to! My So and I both have similar baggage, so we are pretty careful to be understanding when one of us is having an insecure moment (some of the stupid arguments we’ve had, lordie!!) I think you should be honest with him about your baggage, but remember that your issues are not his responsibility. If he really is doing nothing wrong, don’t make him the bad guy. Neither of you can control how other people act so you need to check yourself when you get frustrated/annoyed by these instances and remind yourself that posting on social media is not a bad thing and just because someone comments/likes something, doesn’t mean they’re encroaching on your “turf”

SO used to HATE that an old fling of mine was on my FB and liked & commented on everything I posted. I didn’t want him to control who I was friends with, but ultimately, his comfort was more important than maintaining a FB-only relationship with someone, so I unfriended him. However, SO was very honest about how he realized this was his issue and he never asked me to unfriend that person. Over time we both have made a great effort to put each other first, we’re honest when we’re being insecure and dumb but it allowed us the freedom to be comfortable in this relationship. I know he would never intentionally make me feel insecure because that’s just not who he is so if I ever feel insecure, I know it was an oversight or something like that and vice versa. Communication is key!

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

sweetdee89 :  Seriously, though. That’s a bucket of trouble. If he moves somewhere and wants to take the dog with him, who gets the dog? If he moves somewhere and takes the dog, is he going to be heartbroken all over again? Really, if he’s paying for food, vet bills, toys, etc. then he needs to keep a document where he keeps track of these things in case the custody actually does ever become an issue.

Post # 6
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would just ignore the social media stuff.   Don’t create problems where there aren’t any!  I personally unfriended exes of mine when we broke up but not everyone does.  If they are amicable and it’s dog posts they are liking, I wouldn’t read anything into it.  I still was FB friends with a long term Boyfriend or Best Friend from when I was really young.  We would sometimes like each others posts or comment on them and it meant nothing at all.  We had both moved on ages ago. 

And the dog custody issue makes total sense to me given they are amicable.  That sounds like a very mature set up that works well for them and the dog.

Post # 7
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee

Stop borrowing trouble and get it out of your head that “liking” something on social media is the same as saying “hey, wanna fuck?”

Most people like things on social media without ascribing some deeper meaning to it.  Do you know how many people I would be banging right now if liking crap on social media meant anything more than “this was cool and maybe I want to keep track of it for later just to be able to find it amongst all of my other posts”?  I’d be banging my high school photo professor, my old college roommate, Chrissy Teigan, my friend’s husband, a guy I went on three dates with in high school and we like to shoot the shit about race cars and kept in touch, my cousin, like 12 of my coworkers of all genders, this guy I worked on a group project with in college, my ex who I even made the cupcakes for his wedding that took place after we broke up, this Ukrainian woman who posts insanely decorated cakes.  Shit – I should not be as sexually frustrated as I am right now with all this action happening.

Also, consider getting some help with your trust issues if you continue to let stuff like this bother you – eventually it will be destructive to you and your relationship, if not already. 

ETA: And I just remembered I saw an old friend at the mall about 8 months ago for the first time in ages and he had grown a beard, so I said I really liked the beard and it suits him.  So he definitely should have dumped his wife for me and we should have been banging all this time since that was in person, not just social media.  Cause that was totally what I intended to happen by giving him a compliment.

Post # 8
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

It’s social media. I can’t even count how many times I liked something without even looking at who posted it. I’m also friends with some of my exs so I honestly don’t see any flags with this issue. 

You may need counseling if you can’t handle your trust issues by yourself. It’s very understandable you have trust issues after your ex’s cheated on you but you can’t transfer that to your new boyfriend. It’s unfair to him.

Insecurity and jealousy and social media is a huge deal breaker these days.

Post # 9
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

sweetdee89 :  This is a dangerous path you’re going down.  Social media has little bearing on real life.  I would suggest getting into counselling ASAP to address your insecurity ASAP before it becomes unmanageable.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s a great quality of your new guy that he split amicably with 2 exes.  It’s much more of a red flag to me when the guy goes on about his “crazy ex”.   

Post # 10
Member
9675 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Maybe it’s time to take a break from social media.

Post # 11
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all to worry considering how many times people in life, on this board and I myself have been left for an ex but I do think that perhaps you should just talk to him. Let him know that being friendly with his exes makes you a tad uncomfortable. See what his response is. 

Does he get defensive? Does he try to turn it back on you? Or does he understand where you’re coming from. 

I think sharing custody of a dog is a bit much but then again to some folks dogs are like children. At the same time, why does he need to be friends with these people on Instagram? 

I get that it’s “social media” but “social media” makes infidelity a helluva lot easier than it used to be. And I’m sorry but ANY woman should know, and be woman enough to admit, that:

A. Your new girlfriend doesn’t want you being friends with your exes because that shit is weird and there are only two reasons to keep an ex around. 

1. You have kids. 

2. There’s a possible reconciliation in your future and you’re keeping your options open.

And B. Most of the time your ‘new man’ doesn’t want you being friends with your exes either and if you are keeping in touch for any reason besides children it’s almost always a secret. (Or a secret by omission.)

There’s almost always shady shit going on when an ex is involved because, let’s face it, almost NO ONE is that friendly. (Who are we kidding?) With that said, though, I wouldn’t freak all the way out until you talk to him and gauge where he’s at on the subject. He might not know it would bother you, or more probably, doesn’t know that it bothers you THAT much. 

Post # 12
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

It’s a good thing that he’s amicable with his ex.   Shows maturity.  Ignore it.

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I mean the dog thing is weird and annoying. I would hate that. Like you guys aren’t together anymore it sucks one person keeps the dog but that is life. He can get another dog. 

I feel that at some point you leave exes behind. It is normal and natural to move on. I was friendly with my last ex and when he texted me in a purely friend way a few months ago. Even though there are no feelings anymore on either side I realized it’s just unnecessary to be in contact. So I blocked his #on my phone. I am still friends on Facebook but that’s as much contact as you should have with an ex imo. 

I mean is he going to be in contact with all of his exes forever? When he has kids? Is he still gonna be sharing an old dog? He’s just putting off the inevitable. I don’t think you can insist he stop with the dog sharing, and the Instagram thing well you can tell him you are uncomfortable with how much his exes seem to be still apart of his life. See what he says. You might have him unfriend his exes or you might just have to wait it out bc eventually people move on. I’m surprised his ex gf’s new boyfriends let them be in contact either. Are his exes part of his friends circle still? That’s the only reason I can think they would remain friendly. 

Post # 15
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

sweetdee89 :  “They share custody of their rescue.” Nope. I’d be out. Call me petty, childish, whatever. I would not be down for that. The social media stuff is just icing on the cake. Why sign up for this? There are sweet, affectionate guys all over the place who don’t have exes marking their territory like the dog they share custody of. A relationship with this guy will be years of insecurity and wondering where your place is in his life. No thank you.

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