Insecure/New Relationship – HELP!!!!!

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Ok.. the people here ragging on the dog thing – just stop. People love their dogs and if a couple splits amicably it makes it nicer for everyone if they both still get to hang out with their pup! Stop trying to make this girl worry about something that she likely doesn’t need to be worrying about. 

OP – the fact that he is still on good terms with his ex while at the same time not hanging out with or talking to her regularly is a good sign. It shows that he is a mature adult who is capable of handling grown up situations. He sounds like a good dude.

It seems you are well aware of your insecurities and where they stem from, so that is good! If you think it will be helpful, go see a therapist and ask them to teach you healthy ways to adjust your thinking. But just understanding where the issue stems from is a great start, and I’m sure that the longer you two are together the more comfortable you will get. Just try to remind yourself that the social media stuff is silly and unimportant. Unless he’s liking a bunch of sexy photos of other girls, I’d brush it off. 

Post # 17
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

I had to leave a dog we’d adopted together in my divorce and it was fucking hard. I wish it had been an amicable split and I could have gotten half custody. I love my pets and they’re part of my family. It’s totally normal to want to keep them around even after a break up. 

The Instagram thing is no big deal. I like shit on people’s pages all the time. It does not mean I’m “marking my territory” of them, it means “hey, nice photo”. Get out of your head and maybe into therapy.

Post # 18
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I agree with PP about the instagram thing being NBD. Dont let your insecurity poison this relationship. Stop stalking his feed!

Post # 19
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Daisy_Mae :  petty and childish are good words for it, yeah..

What is with so many people in this community being ridiculously insecure?? Assuming the worst from the least bit of information. Literally nothing OP said gives any indication of infidelity, dishonesty or other shitbaggery on her boyfriends part. We should be encouraging each other to make positive assumptions about our partners because that’s how you have healthy relationships. Obviously I don’t mean be naive and ignore actual red flags, but don’t go planting them where they’re not already standing.

Post # 20
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Ugh. This is why I think there is a special place in hell for cheaters. It just kills the confidence of those they cheated on and turns you into this insecure worrier. It has happened to all of us.  I agree with PP to find some way to work through it. It will take time, but you gotta let the social media go. I also like crap all the time without realizing who’s it even is! Lay off of the social media for a while and concentrate on how awesome your new SO is!! 

Post # 21
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I think you’re getting too insecure over a 3 month relationship.  You don’t know this guy well at all yet so it’s hard to say where this will go. You’ve said I love you quite early and you’re probably investing way too much of yourself in such  a new relationship and then going crazy over these little things because of it. I am a dog person and my dog is my child as well as my husband’s but the sharing custody could only go on for so long. It sounds like she’s the primary owner seeing as how she takes care of him more so he should just stay with her. I don’t see it as an issue if that’s what people want to do but the actual problem is that YOU are insecure about the ex so the dog sharing does have an impact. I mean he’s going to keep moving forward with his life and still be sharing the dog? You already said he doesn’t take him when he can’t so he must not be that invested. If you were  a parent and had to have your kids you would. It just seems like the dog is more hers and it’s  a reason for them to stay connected . I personally wouldn’t want that in my relationship especially after moving on and getting married wanting to have a kid. 

Post # 22
Member
8866 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

sboom :  She’s 3 months in and already uncomfortable with who he is. What is with so many people in this community trying to force square pegs into round holes? I’m not insecure. I’ve been happily married for over 20 years and a big part of why it’s worked out so well is because when I was dating, if I was unhappy with a guy, I stopped dating him. I didn’t keep dating him hoping he’d change or that I would suddenly be ok with whatever thing I was unhappy with. I was secure enough with myself to dump guys who made me insecure about them. I ended up with my pick of wonderful men. I highly recommend that dating strategy, although at the time it wasn’t even a “strategy”. I was just having fun, and being anxious wasn’t fun. I never said the guy was an asshole, but a guy doesn’t have to be an asshole to be the wrong guy. The best way to avoid divorce is to weed out the people you’re not compatible with during the dating stage. Too many women stick it out with the wrong guy because they’re afraid to be alone or who knows why else. 

Post # 23
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think it’s good and fine to be amicable/friends with an ex and to be friendly on social media. The dog sharing is unusual to me but sounds like it comes from a genuine place/I’m not a dog lover so…

I do think saying ‘i love you’ on a 3rd date is a bit soon and maybe you’ve jumped in too fast. Sounds like you have not had healthy relationships in the past and this may be affecting you.

Post # 24
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sweetdee89 :  

Bee, there are two possibilities.  One is that you’re carrying a lot of anxiety from prior experiences that is surfacing as you feel yourself getting closer to your bf.

Or, you feel anxious because you intuition is picking up on something about this particular relationship that is not yet registering with your conscious mind.

As for the dog thing—if Dh and I ever split, I could see certain dogs going to him and dogs going to me.  The dogs all have chosen their person.  While they love both of their parents, they have intense bonds with one or the other of us.  Maybe it’s a German Shepherd thing.  I could imagine Dh taking ‘his” dogs.  But, I would not insist on visitation.

 

Post # 26
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

sweetdee89 :  Girl to be honest, I think he sounds wonderful. But seriously, my partner had a “cat custody battle” with his ex in the first two years we were dating, and it was nasty and bitter. She still wanted to visit the cats and he finally put his foot down and said no. It was horrible. She was calling his parents and they were awkwardly trying to tell him over dinner that they felt uncomfortable with her calling and nagging about the cats, and he was gathering up his records of paying for stuff in case they had to go to court over it, and I just think that’s dragging out the heartbreak much longer than necessary. Kids are a 60+ year commitment, but pets just simply aren’t. (Unless they’re tortoises or birds). But honestly other than that he sounds cool and I don’t understand these girls in here saying that he must be cheating.

Our good friend got married recently and his ex was calling him up on weekends trying to chat – he just felt awkward saying no to her. He thought things were friendly between the two of them but our friend did eventually say he needed to stop – and things were much happier when they did. Did he cheat? Not even close. But it did make her feel better.

Post # 27
Member
2380 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Are you in therapy? That would be really really helpful so that you don’t mess up what sounds like a great relationship with a nice, stable guy! It makes sense why you would have trust issues, and I’m sorry you’ve had those experiences with your crappy exes. But, we all have a responsibility to tackle our own issues and not punish other unrelated people for them. I know you’re not doing that on purpose, but it’d be great to learn how to deal with this anxiety so it doesn’t bite you in the ass.

i agree 1000% with PP who said that him being friendly with his exes is a million times better than the guy with all the horror stories about the “crazy exes”. I’m still friends with my college bf on Facebook and we like each other’s stuff sometimes. It means nothing….less than nothing! Just means that I think he’s a good guy, and its nice to see his pics of his cute little kid and pretty hikes in the mountains etc. 

Post # 29
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

KittyYogi :  Yup… I immediately mistrust people who have a history of crazy” exes.

Post # 30
Member
4205 posts
Honey bee

I think that you’ll feel better if you spend less time on social media. This is not a problem, but you’re making it into ine. My husband had/still has a good relationship with one of his exes. Nothing has ever happened, believe me, I would know because my husband is the world’s worst liar.

And I fail to see why sharing a dog is so alarming to so many people. Both he and the ex sound like caring people. And yet I see so many posts on here about how awful the ex was, blah blah blah. No thanks. I’ll take the guy who has the good relationship, especially if all it consists of is liking some meaningless photos and sharing the care of an animal.

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