(Closed) Insight on codependant relationships?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My Fiance and I have lived together for the last 3/5 years and while we spend most of our free time together, we both have our own interests and go out with our respective friends together and alone.  My Fiance now works in a different industry and he’s gone for 3 weeks at a time, so naturally when he is home , I want him all to myself and I would get jealous when he went out without me. However, having independent interests is essential. . I Don’t worry about him becoming a porn addict, or  hanging out being shady with other women , or being shady in general.
Your fears almsot suggest that you don’t trust him if he’s not with you at all times . Almost like you have to be there to make sure that he stays in line.. Unless He himself, has given you any reason to not trust him, then I think you need to jsut relax. It also suggests that you are insecure about your place with him-as if he will fall out of love with you or not want to hang out with you as much, bc at this moment, all he knows is that most of his time is with you and so now that he will have the freedom, he might actually prefer to broaden his horizons a bit. I wouldn’t worry so much about that. You just gotta be secure with yourself and your relationship to accept that he might become a tad more independant. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less.

  I know that  past experiences can affect future relationships, but you can’t let it dampen your present relationship. Believe me, if you worry about it, it’ll affect your relationship and he will feel like you don’t trust him to be on his own.
My Fiance sent me a quote today that says ” Your past doesn’t affect your future unless you let it”

I’m a chronic worrier too and get help, and it always rings true that nothing is ever as bad as what you think it’ll be .

I’m working on my own issues as well, so I might not be the best person to give you advice, but that’s just what I think.

Post # 4
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow. You sound like me minus the worry. I had some really crappy friends ( turns out as long as I was there for them we were cool but as soon as it was my turn they would disappear). Same thing… We enjoyed each other more than anyone we knew. I think being homebodies and BFF with your man is a great thing. I feel sorry for people who don’t have the same kind of bond- like they are missing something. I had the time of my life being single and doing girl trips but I’d rather be at home with my fiancé. You should still have your own thing though… I mean there HAS to be shows you like that he doesn’t etc… The only thing that is concerning is ur worry. I don’t worry but also have only been screwed over by friends not by any man. Therapy for that would probably help.just remember few people have such a bonded relationship and that you are lucky that you don’t need people- I just need my family and fiancé. It’s true- quality over quantity right? Good luck!

Post # 5
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Bunny123:  I think there is a healthy balance for everyone. I think it exists at different places for different people. I’m an “overthinker” also.  I’ve also experienced a lot of loss. While Darling Husband and I were engaged he deployed to the Middle East for 9 months. During that time, the anxiety and panic attacks I had experienced after my mother’s death resurfaced. He was home for about 5 months after his deployment before going back to work. We spent a lot of time together and I did well during that time. When he went back to work I started having anxiety again.

We, like you guys, spent a lot of time together. Every once in a while, we’d hang out with other couples but it was mostly just us. We visit family from to time but we spent the majority of time with one another.

I am seeing a therapist and taking meds, as well. I’m also trying to find a healthy place between “us” and “me”.

I think when you go back to work, you just have to trust him and make the best of the situation. Call and text during the day when you are able to and make special “date nights” one or two nights per week. It’s hard for us too but we’re doing our best to make it work.

Post # 6
31 posts


OMG. SO and I started a lot like that. I was in denial at first but we were basically living together inside of a week. We went to school and work but spent almost all of our free time together. We aren’t doing the same thing most of the time. For example I do homework while he plays video games or I’ll be watching TV while he researches stocks. It was less about doing things together as being together in close proximity. Early on it really freaked me out. I was terrified that I was losing my ability to be independent because I felt like I was coming to rely on him to much. I finally calmed down a little and started to accept that it was ok to feel dependent on him because he was always there. Then I got a job offer I couldn’t pass up and moved halfway across the country for 3 months. And three things became very clear. 1) I could still hold my own without SO by my side. 2) He was still there for me. And 3) He was still the individual I fell in love with. We are a couple that spends most of our time together but in the 3 years we’ve been together we have still maintained our individuality.

Your SO is still the man you fell for and you are still the woman he fell for. The bond you have created with the time you’ve spent together isn’t a bad thing. I know that change sucks. I’m a predictable creature who loves her routine but I have figured out that sometimes you just have to let the change happen and figure out how to adjust afterwards. I don’t think you can prepare yourself for this and trying to is just going to stress you out worse.

P.S. I also had a porn addict ex and you know what? It had nothing to do with me not being around enough. Your SO developed into the man you love all on his own just like my idiot ex made himself. He isn’t going to become a monster if you leave him alone otherwise he would already be one.

P.S.S. SO and I have good friends and we still prefer each other to the company of our friends. It really isn’t a bad thing.

Post # 7
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

@Bunny123:  Hi Bunny!  Hugs for all your anxieties!  I have been in your shoes (and..well, I still sorta am but the anxiety has waned).

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been dating 3 years, and were 27 and 30.  I have ALWAYS been a relationship co dependent person, and my Boyfriend or Best Friend is a workaholic and always has been lol.  This bothered me sooooo much when we first started dating that I sometimes wonder how I didn’t scare him off!

My Boyfriend or Best Friend would work early in the day and work all day, then if he had free time at night he would go play pool and that used to break my heart.  My ideal day was go to work, get off work, cook for my Boyfriend or Best Friend and cuddle on the couch all night!  He encouraged me to live my own life independently of him and honestly it has been the best move for my life and it has brought us closer together. 

Therapy helps, support groups helps, THIS BLOG HAS HELPED soo much in changing my thinking and my life. 

Here is my current situation:  I work, I get home, I have TONS of free time.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend gets up before me, goes to work, works until 10-11p at night, and then he is exhausted when he gets home that after us hanging out for a quick bit (maybe 30 mins), he is asleep.  It’s better on the weekends, he gets off around 8-9p but he is usually still asleep before midnight. I do not tell you this to get you take pity on me but to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE 😀

It is normal to have anxiety about starting a new job but I think you should see this as an exciting opportunity to make yourself a little less co-dependent on your relationship and more dependent on yourself.  I am NOT saying de-prioritize your Boyfriend or Best Friend, but I am saying that he’s working, you should be working too and that is just a healthy part of life.  I know that it sucks that you will be working more hours and it could take away from the relationship, but it is so important that you focus on both of you having a job and work together towards your future.

I can say this about the neediness.  I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend from the get go that I did feel that it was one of my wors traits, but I owned it proudly.  (I’m just needy! I want to hang out a lot!  I love to hear from you!), and frankly, it did push him away….it turns out his ex before me (he dated her a year before we met) was needy and CLINGY, like stalking him.  He was not allowed to have friends, search anything on the internet because she was always checking behind him and showing up where he was and even worked in his department and would just always be around.  He couldn’t stand it and dumped her.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend let me know that he liked being ‘needed’ but that he also enjoyed an independent woman who could give him mystery.

After three years of fighting (you had lunch with your co worker who was a woman?!?!  was anyone else there?  why does leslie need to set up an experiement this late at night?)…and my many surprises (meeting the co-worker who he’d lunch with’s husband, meeting leslie and realizing that she was a HE), even fighting about if he texted me ENOUGH throughout the day, or if he responded quick enough or not…we are still standing.

Now I just work as hard as I can and because he values hard work, it’s like he’s more attracted to me or something.  I actually take classes after work with my friends for fun through the local community offerings, and he enjoys hearing about them.  I used to cancel plans to be with my Boyfriend or Best Friend if he had a night off instead of going to bday dinners with friends, and now, if he has the night off, he will be my date.  My relationship is stronger because instead of focusing on HIM, and worrying about what could go wrong, I instead chose to worry about me and what could make me happy. 

I hope this helps.  Stay in there, work on being more independent.  Fake it until you make it.  Other blogs who have helped that I subscribe to:




bitch lifestyle


Post # 8
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Bunny123:  no, but I have dissolved some friendsips. One in particular was a really great friend and person to be around. But she couldn’t do anything without her Fiance by her side. I’d call to invite her out for drinks, and I’d show up there to find she brought him along. She could never be without him, and to me it seemed unhealthy. 

I no longer make plans with her.  I don’t try to contact her.  And I’m not the only person out of a circle of us girls that have cut ties.  We have free will to nurse friendships– and her relationship was too needy for me to tolerate. Besides, wouldnt it feel awkward to be the only man who’s at girl night? It didn’t even seem like it phased him…

She sent a clear sign that she didn’t ‘need’ us, she only needed him.  I have a different social pscyche– I need other people besides my husband to fulfill various elements of my life. That’s why I seek out the social comfort of friends and co-workers. Perhaps it’s just different wiring. 


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