I’m writing this for a “friend.” It isn’t my personal problem, but rather that of someone very close to me. I’d really appreciate some outside advice on this situation, because my opinion has basically been “this is a deal breaker” and “screw that jerk,” and that’s not entirely helpful.
This “friend” has been engaged for several months and is tentatively planning a Spring 2014 wedding. They are financing it by themselves, so she wants/needs to have lots of time to save up. They are somewhat decided on a medium-size “destination” wedding in the city where her FI’s family lives. When I say somewhat decided, I mean that she has almost convinced him that it’s what they can afford and thus what they should do. But he would prefer to have a much larger, more elaborate wedding.
So their vision of their wedding isn’t exactly meshing at this point. My friend is trying to be practical but worries that their wedding wont be nice because of their tight budget and the distance from which she has to plan everything. She has also resigned herself to the fact that they won’t be able to afford a honeymoon with their current plan. She would satisfied with eloping or doing something small. She also at one point suggested a true destination wedding at an exotic location that could double as a honeymoon, but was shot down because “his friends wouldn’t go that far.” Point is, she’s flexible. Meanwhile, he has continued to push the envelope, adding to the guest list that she’s desperately trying to keep small (75 max) because of the budget.
But the real kicker is that my friend’s fiancé flatly refuses to not invite a high school friend of his with whom my friend does not get along. We’re talking about a girl who has gone out of her way to be catty and rude to my friend, who has embarrassed her and demeaned her in front of their entire group of mutual friends while her Fiance (bf at the time) did nothing. That alone would have been a deal breaker for me, but I digress.
His reason for inviting this person is that he feels that to not would cause a rift in his circle of high school friends (who are scattered across the country and get together rarely). He doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. He wants his friends to have a good time together. Etc. He has suggested letting his other friends weigh in on the situation and make the decision for them. (???)
What I’m wondering is where my friend’s feelings fit into all of this. Obviously he doesn’t seem overly concerned about what SHE wants on HER wedding day. I realize that they both should get the things they want on their big day, but in a situation like this, there’s no reasonable compromise. Furthermore, because their finances are so tight and their guest list must remain small, my friend really bristles at the idea of wasting significant money and two invitations on a person who has never even tried to be civil to her.
Please, can anyone offer any advice on this? I sound like a broken record and I need new material. All of us who are close to her are really distressed by the whole thing and see it as a bright red flag about the future. He seems more interested in having a big party for his friends than a wedding. 🙁 (By the way, he’s in his late 20s, so we’re not talking about a kid here.)
So, what would you do?