Post # 1
Miss Octopus posted today about memorializing her FI’s mother at their wedding. I have a unique situation that maybe isn’t as unique as I think. I’d love some input. .
My mother died when I was 8. My father was a single parent until I was 13, when he remarried. I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. I love her with all my heart. The kicker is I even look like her! Some of the people in our lives don’t even know that she’s really my step-mom and I don’t feel the need to clarify. I call her Mom, she’s been in my life longer than my birth mother and taught me everything I know about love and relationships.
When big moments in my life come up, I still think of my birth mother and wonder if she’s proud of me. I cried with my fiance moments before we walked for our college graduation. I was thinking of her the day I got engaged wishing she could have met him. But how do I remember her on our wedding day without hurting my Mom’s feelings. I don’t want the guests at our wedding who knew her to think I’m not thinking of her, but I don’t want my dad to be a mess, but I know he’ll be thinking of her, too. Is there a graceful way to do this where everyone is happy? I know that when I’m standing there in my wedding gown ready to walk, my last though will be of her and that could be enough, and it certainly wouldn’t be public. But I’m not sure what everyones expectations will be.
What do you think?
Thanks for your thoughts and advice!
Post # 3
I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad that you have such a great step-mom that’s there for you. I don’t know if you’d be interested in something like this, but I was really close to my Papa and my Aunt so what we’re doing to memorialize them is putting their pictures in chairs at the end of the first row on my side. We’re also going to put a single rose in their chair next to their pictures. It’s more for me than it is for everyone else to see, if that makes any sense. It’s just my little reminder that though they can’t be there with me in person, they’re still there in spirit.
Post # 4
I don’t know how you can do this. But I think that if you aknowledge your whole family (mom, dad, stepmom), I doubt that your stepmom’s feelings would be hurt. She is a big part of your life, but that would never take away the fact that you had a mom before she entered your life; and aknowledging your dead mother does not take anything away from your relationship with stepmom…
I’d still try and do something that would be aknowledging all three of your parents.
Post # 5
I lost my mother in high school. I didn’t do anything publically about her because I didn’t want to upset myself or my dad. If people are thinking that you aren’t thinking of her, they are jerks and don’t understand what it is like to lose a parent. It isn’t their business anyway. So if you don’t want to do something because it might upset your dad, then I wouldn’t do anything out loud.
Post # 6
Your stepmother sounds like an amazing, caring woman. I’m sure that if you talk to her about your feelings and what you’d like to do to acknowledge and remember your biological mom on your special day, that she will understand. There are plenty of ways that you can honor both of them, and I’m sure your step mom is honored to share your day with you more than anything.
Post # 7
If you’re doing a program, maybe you can write a remembrance page of your mother and/or put a rose down on a chair in her honor?
Post # 8
I have seen lovely memorial candles put on display… with a line in the program stating the candle is in honor and memory of… If you are giving your Mom and your Mother-In-Law roses after the ceremony, you could place a rose at the candle as well to symbolically remember and honor your Mom.
Post # 9
Do you have anything of her’s to carry with you down the aisle? A piece of jewelry maybe? You don’t even have to tell anyone what it means to you. You can just take a moment before you walk down the aisle to think of her and then go.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry that you lost your mom. How wonderful that you had such an amazing step mom in your life. I attended a wedding where the bride had a bible verse read from her mother’s bible by the officient; I thought that was a really sweet way to remember her mom. You could also wear a piece of jewelry or tie something into your bouquet as a rememberance.
Post # 11
My dad died when I was 12. I felt really touched reading your post, and remembering how I’ve thought of my dad during so many significant moments of my life.
I am going to carry a single daisy for him, with my bouquet, and place the daisy on a seat in the front row on my way up the aisle where he would have sat. I don’t know if it will make anyone sad – but I know it will be special to me to see it there and know that he is seeing it too somehow.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception
MJogan, we also struggle with not wanting people to think we aren’t remembering her, but also not wanting to make Mr. O’s family sad. It’s so hard, and I’m sorry that you’re in the same situation. I don’t have a lot of answers for you, but I just wanted to offer you my sympathy and hope that you find a solution that gives you, your dad, and your mom peace.
Post # 13
I’m so glad that you have such a wonderful step-mom! If you’re worried about being offensive (though your step-mom might really be ok with it, have you guys talked about your mom at all?) or saddening the happy day, maybe you could do one of those bouquet charms with her picture in it. Then it’s kind of like she’s there with you walking down the aisle.
Post # 14
My grandmother passed away last May. I am planning on doing what June Bug suggested and attaching a bouquet charm with her picture in it to my bouquet. I thought about leaving a rose on an empty chair but since this is still a fairly recent lost I thought it might hurt people too much. I will also be wearing her perfume on my wedding day.
Post # 15
Thank you all so much for the amazing and heartfelt suggestions. I love your ideas! What a great hive!!
My sympathy to all of you have also lost loved ones.