(Closed) Instead of my wedding, “friends” want to visit me the month after…(long vent)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@crystlrox I can definitely relate to this, and I’m sorry you’re feeling so down! When I was talking to my current roommate/friend about the wedding, she basically told me she didn’t want to “waste” the time to come to the wedding, but instead, wants to visit me later when she and I will both have more time to do stuff together. In part, I understand: she’s starting grad school that same week, and it’s expensive and time-consuming to fly in from faraway for one event. But the way she said it to me was just kind of a downer, like coming to my wedding wasn’t as important as coming for a little vacation and doing touristy stuff in my area (she’s never been before and has always wanted to visit). 

I’m not exactly sure what I would do in your situation. Is it worth it to tell these friends how you feel? Do you feel close enough to them to have this conversation? And like my roommate, it may just come down to a tactless way of communicating. In her case, she had a totally understandable and valid excuse, she just didn’t communicate it very nicely to me. If your friends have to take time off and fly in from Boston to your Texas wedding, perhaps that’s just not doable or affordable. Unfortunately, people have to make these decisions when it comes to out-of-town weddings, and they can’t always be there with us. Perhaps the visiting you in Bermuda thing was their way of trying to celebrate with you when they can actually afford to take time off for vacation. 

It might be worth it to have a conversation with them to find out where they’re coming from. But if not, I’d try not to worry about it too much. Unfortunately, people say and do hurtful things, and I’m so sorry this has been causing you pain! Know that there are tons of other people who cannot wait to celebrate with you on your special day! 

Post # 4
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

incredibly selfish of them, but maybe they’re not realizing it? Some people don’t understand the EFFORT and EMOTION that goes in to planning a wedding and how important it is to be there for people when occassions like this come up.

however, to me it just seems like they want to plan a trip for themselves to Bermuda, vs. wasting their time and money on a trip to texas for just your wedding.

you could look at it two ways:
1. get angry and ban them and not speak to them

2. just know exactly where you stand with them, save the $ on not having them at the reception, and maybe they’ll bring you a gift when they visit you in Bermuda. you can keep them as aquaintances if you really have fun with them/value their company. but again, just know where you stand.

Question: Where are these girls flying in from to be at your bachelorette party?

as a sidebar, a sort of similiar situation: I had asked a friend to be in my bridal party and she accepted (she wasn’t currently employed). My other BMaids started toying with the idea of vegas for my bachelorette party. my friend decided that she couldnt afford both (bach party and expenses of being a bmaid) so she chose instead to back out of being my Bridesmaid or Best Man and attend my vegas vacation… to me, that was SUPER selfish.. but i gracefully accepted her decision, we’re still friends. however i am not going to vegas, and since then she’s tried to hint at being in the BParty again. Not happening.

Post # 4
32 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think the stress of wedding planning makes people forget that other people have lives and other things going on too.  Heck my own sister and brother might not come to my wedding.  Its their loss if they don’t.  Alteast they want to come and see you at all!  Maybe the financial strain of trying to come to your wedding isn’t something they can swing.  I’m getting married in Mass my family is from TX and his is from Alaska.  Some people can’t afford to come but want to come up to Boston another time to visit. When they have more money and can stay longer to make it worth it.  Why do you want to ruin friendships over this.  Remember no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.  I have to remind myself of this all the time.

Post # 5
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

while i think its crappy that they would choose to not attend your wedding I can also see where their logic is. Is money an issue for them? maybe it made more sense to them to wait and get an extended visit with you after your wedding than to fly down to texas for two days only and like they mentioned barely get any time with you? I am not either one of those girls so I cannot say for sure what their exact reasoning was. I do think it is a bit over the top that your other friendsbm’s are suggesting you uninvite them to the wedding festivities and tell them they cannot visit you. Doing such things only makes the situaiton worse. I would try and calmly talk to them and find out exactly what their thought process was. I would explain that it was causing some hur tfeelings and see what they say. Keep in mind that just because they are not attending the wedding does not mean they do not support your marriage. Also, she mentioned they do not like some of the other guests who will be at your wedding, I do think thats a bit immature but at the same time they could just be avoiding unnecessary drama or awkwardness at your wedding. Could be a good thing? I dont know. Im sorry you are hurt over this and I hope it all works out for you 🙂

Post # 6
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

ehh, selfish. i just re read your post and saw that they didn’t even bother to let you knwo they weren’t coming, until you had to call them… Unless they’re very young (18-24) and don’t know about proper manners bec their parents haven’t taught them or they dont have enough experience yet…

Post # 7
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would personally be really upset.  Your wedding is a once in a liftime thing and you want everyone there who cares about you.  I would personally give them a call and let them know how you feel.  Maybe there is a good reason like they can’t afford to fly to Texas and that’s understandable but not because they want to just take a vacation a few months later when it will be more fun for them.  I mean c’mon it’s your wedding!!  LOL.  Why some people don’t understand how important this day is to the bride and groom gets to me!!

Post # 8
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I definitely understand why you’re upset. Ugh, very frustrating.

Depending on how close they are to you (and how worth it it is)- it may be a good idea to have a talk with them…

Post # 9
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m assuming these girls aren’t married and just don’t realize how important weddings are to people. I do understand where they’re coming from, I hate having to spend all that money sometimes to go to a wedding where you only get to speak to the bride and groom for about two seconds. But it’s about the bride and groom, not you, which is why you should just deal with it.

Post # 10
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

First, I’m sorry, that really is a bummer. I can’t believe they didn’t tell you this months ago before they even “officially” decided this. That was incredibly rude and thoughtless.

At the same time, I think this has the chance to be really awesome! To some extent, they’re right. They really won’t get to spend much time with you, and it sounds like they understand why. You’re going to be so stupid busy in the run-up to the wedding, and making the rounds the day of. (I know how busy I was and I didn’t even have guests at my wedding!) So they’re trying to balance their resources with friendship investment. No, they don’t get to be there on your big day but they’re planning a special vacation (which will likely use more resources) to get to spend extra time with you! I think that speaks to how much they love you.

I also agree that, if they aren’t married/haven’t planned a wedding, they really might not understand how much time/effort/money/emotional investment we put into them. 

Finally, I also want to add that this might be a great thing to look forward to after the wedding.  I know that a lot of women have a sense of . . . I don’t want to say “loss” but a weird feeling post-wedding where the big projects are over, no hooplah or projects, and kinda feel in a funk. I got married last week, and definitely already “miss” planning a bit. I’m also eternally greatful I have several HUGE things/projects to throw myself into this summer. (Visiting friends/family, and coordinating an international move.) So, having a few of your besties visit might really help you avoid any post-wedding blues.

Chin up, girl! Your wedding is going to be awesome and love-filled, no matter who is there. And your friends sound like they really love you too!

Post # 11
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

That is so selfish!I would tell them how you’re feeling right now, you have the right to be angry!!!

Post # 13
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

To be brutally honest here I dont think you are not being fair to them. I personally do not understand why its selfish for someone to decide not to attend your wedding, but offer to make up by coming a month later. Are friends obligated to travel internationally to attend your wedding? If they cant/dont want to fly out to the wedding you should be understanding, it would be different if they lived right next door to the wedding but they have to fly internationally and would like to make the most of their trip.

Post # 14
7493 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think i would be “available” when they want to visit later.

Post # 15
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have to side with your friends on this. You will be lucky to talk to anyone at your wedding for longer than 5 minutes. It’s a lot of time off and expense to not really see you when they could just visit afterward and really get to hang out.

I used to live in TX (and now live in Boston) and in the battle of TX vs Bermuda…Bermuda wins, no contest.

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