Post # 1
It started on a night that were at his counsins wedding and everything was fine until we started having small arguments only because I was a bit overreacting and he was trying hard to calm me down and not fight. Later that night however we left the reception place yelling at each other and me saying mean things and trying to pull my ring off and stuff. He then lets out everything all the anger and lets me know that I am a b**ch and the way I act drives him insane and he hates it and hates arguing with me coz I overreact at times (yes most times my fault) and then he says (F YOU) to me.. and we walk to the car and say no word in the car and we get to his house and he tells me to get out of the car in a rude way.
That night I get ready for bed and go try to sleep coz i had a headache from the argument and crying a lot in the car coz i was shocked from what he said to me because he never said anything like this before into our 2 year together and 4 years knowing each other. While I was laying there he comes and sits on the bed and tries to talk to me in a very calm way and tries to make it up and apologizes, but I dont give in and I ignored him and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and I notice a heart balloon says “I love you” and yellow roses and a card on the comp chair. The card had music and he wrote how mcuh he is sorry and how he feels scared of losing me coz of this and he knows what he did was very wrong. I had a hard time forgiving him but two weeks after I am back home ( we are in long distance relationship) I am still having hard time being okay with it. I wonder if my sisters boyfriend ever said something hurtful like that or any couple I see… it hurt me so much.
what should I do? should I by now forget about it?
Post # 3
It sounds like has some anger problems and you are mentally/emotionally about five years old. Part of me says “Forgive and forget,” but the other part says, “You guys should try couples counseling, now.”
Post # 4
I agree. It seems easy to just forget about but I think there are some underlying anger problems there that need to be dealt with.
Post # 5
Do you love him?
You should be over this by now. From what you have stated in your comments, you were acting very childish and had been for quite some time. I am not making excuses for him using the “F” word to you and calling you a “b”, but from what you stated, you pushed him over the edge. He has tried to make it up to you and you are punishing him for him trying to make things right. I would never treat my Fiance the way you are treating yours. I think it is childish and uncalled for. Sorry if my comments are harsh, but I really do think you should get over it or move on.
Post # 6
Um, i’d have issues being with someone who acted like that. My husband’s never said F YOU to me. Then again, I’ve never acted the way you are describing. I don’t understand it.
How often does he get mad like this? How often do you?
It’s one thing if this is a ONE TIME THING. I get that. You get mad, you say things, realize you were an ass, and you apologize. You both do. A one time blow up is not an anger problem. But if this has happened before, then yes, i’m tempted to say it’s a problem. I don’t know your SO, but I will tell you my SO has never spoken to me like that.
But on the flip side, i’ve never yelled at him in a public place or tried to take my ring off to prove a point. I think you both have some issues to address. Why would you even try to take your ring off? It all sounds unhealthy, really.
Noritake, i completely agree with you.
Post # 7
I actually misread it and thought it said he tried to pull your ring off. That changes it completely. I’ve never acted that way to him or threatened to take my ring off and he’s never acted that way to me and said F you to me so I guess maybe like Statutory Grape said, you should try counseling for both of you.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park
It seems you do need to work on the relationship a little. Blowups this serious are not good news for an engagement. It seems that both parties are to blame, and I know what you mean about feeling hurt even after he tried to make up. The damage is bigger than a balloon and a card, you know? Maybe you should take a step back from things and really think about what kind of marriage you want to have. Talk to him about it, then go from there.
Post # 9
Having been in an abusive relationship, your story raises all kinds of red flags. Now, I’m not saying he is abusive or that he has any kind of abusive tendencies; however, abusive people do tend to apologize after doing something hurtful saying they were wrong only to do it again. But that is my issue and my protective instinct kicking in, and not an accurate assessment of your situation.
That said, you did say this is the first time he’s ever done or said anything like this. Abuse is a repetive thing, so I don’t believe this was a case of abuse. He may be as stressed out about your LDR and the wedding as I would imagine you are. It’s really hard trying to plan a wedding when you live in the same town as your fiancee, it has to be twice as hard to do it when you live long distrance from each other. Add to that the fact that you can’t see each other as often as you’d like, and you have a recipe for stress.
You are understandably hurt by the things he said, as it sounds like they were very hurtful. It sounds like he regrets it and like he really does love you. I would say talk to him, work though it together, maybe get counseling, but give him notice that you’re walking if he ever treats you like that again.
It’s okay to get angry with each other and to have fights, but you need to set boundaries as to what is acceptable to say to each other during a fight and what isn’t. You can fight and disagree without calling each other names.
Post # 10
You were having small arguments because you were overreacting.
This was at his cousins wedding.
You started pulling off ring.
Situation went from bad to worse.
You are both to blame. He tried to talk to you calmly right after this blow up. You ignored him. The next morning he tried to apologize. Now you are doubting his sincerity?
What about your part in this?
I agree that couple’s counseling would be helpful before you set up responses that will be hard to break down the line. When life does get hairy (which is guaranteed to happen) you need the skills to work through difficulty.
Post # 11
@sudslover: Excellent advice. I missed the part about her pulling off the ring… I would have given different advice if I had read her post better.
Post # 12
By no means does he have the right to call you B or say F you, but at the same time I dont think a small argument leading you to trying to take off your ring is called for either. If small arguments are making you take off your ring, that tells me that you might not be committed in the long run. I dont mean to be harsh, but both of you were being childish and it happens. But if he is trying to make things rights, dont continue to punish him. You two were both in the wrong
Post # 13
Sorry, but you sound very juvenile. And he doesn’t sound abusive to me. He was probably frustrated and emabarrassed by your behaviour because you caused a scene at his cousins wedding. It really sounds like you need to work on YOUR communication skills.
According to you…You were overreacting. You were saying mean things. You were trying to take your ring off. And now you are mad at him, holding a grudge and “punishing” him like he’s a child? Did you apologize to him for all of the mean things you said and did? I don’t mean to offend you but this is just my opinion.
Post # 14
As others have said:
This is not an abusive relationship.
You were overreacting and carrying on, of course he’s going to get angry and frustrated.
This is like high-school relationship level reactions. I would have maybe reacted like that when I was 16 and wanted drama and attention; but not in an adult relationship now that I’m in my 20s.
You need to chill out, breathe, and realize what’s important and what’s not. When you find yourself getting upset, stop, count to 10, and ask yourself “does this really matter in the grand scheme of things”?
Post # 15
I agree with the other bees that the two of you need to consider therapy or counseling so you can learn how to ‘fight fair’. You both completely overreacted to your fight.
Post # 16
To be perfectly honest, the whole thing is very high school. It’s really immature…and rude!…to start something at someone else’s wedding. I think you pick arguements or “overreact” because maybe you like drama. At any rate, the behavior on both sides is certainly not adult and most definitely not taken on by people ready to be married.